Heading into 40

So, this is it....the eve of my 40th birthday.  I keep thinking about the Friends episode where everyone turns 30, and Joey keeps saying "Why G-d, why us?"  It's been a rough few weeks.  I have had a lot of anxiety and thoughts about being a single mom of two kids and "what ifs".  But if I repeat the mantra "I'm okay" then I actually am, "O-K."  In the end, I have everything I need and want right now.  I have these two fabulous kids who are my whole world.  And watching how they just adore each other and how much fun we all have together makes it all worth it.  I hate that I spend too much time "cleaning up" from dinner and missing that valuable time with them, but I'm not wealthy and can't have a helper.

As with everything, there are always "firsts" and with that come many "lasts."  J-Bear is now night weaned.  I am no longer an "All-You-Can-Eat-Midnight-Buffet."  He has milk before bed and first thing in the morning.  And he sleeps - I just wish that I could sleep (stupid netflix!).  So there was a last time of his night nursing.  Now SR is in a big bed and the toddler bed is in my room.  J-Bear wants to sleep in that bed, but my arm (his lovey) can't be in the toddler bed, so he ends up in my bed before he actually falls asleep.  But sometime soon, he won't co-sleep anymore.

They both fight to sit in my lap when we read - we always make room for both at the same time.  They want to be with me.  I am still their everything.  But I won't be for long.  There will come a time in the near future where the kisses won't come as freely and friends and reputations will take precedence over our relationship.  All a part of growing up.  So in the meantime, I just want to relish in our time together.

I went out on Saturday night for the first time in 2.5 years.  My parents gifted me with the ability to go out for an evening with friends.  We just went for dessert.  And miraculously I got both kids to bed extra early - SR by 7, and J-Bear by 8.  And yet, as I left the house, I felt like Bea Smith escaping from Wentworth (so hooked on Netflix and Wentworth right now).

But really, times have changed and the best place for me to be is home with my kids, and with my parents here with us.  I have to wrap up - my J-Bear was just screaming hysterically and I went to comfort him hoping I wouldn't fall asleep, and I just escaped.

Tomorrow I will go off to work as a 40 year old.  I told my students that the only gift I want is a great day from them.  I will take my Son to my place of work as he now attends school where I am.  We will join friends for dinner at SR's favourite restaurant so she can have eggs for dinner.  And at age 40, that's the perfect birthday celebration.

Now I just need a little more sleep!

Here's me at 40!!!!  A few more wrinkles than I'd like....working harder than I could have ever imagined....and happier than I could have ever dreamed.