Happy 2nd Birthday My Darling SR!!!

My Dear SR,

You are the light of my life.  My best friend.  My greatest companion.  My teacher and student.  I can't believe 2 years have already gone by.  You are growing up so quickly.  I still can't get enough of you.  I could listen to you talk, and watch you play, and hug and kiss you, and just sit and look at you forever.

Right now, my favourite thing to do is watch you "Role Play" with your figurines.  You play with them and make up scenarios and have them hug and talk to each other - I have seen this behaviour in much older children, but never in a child under 2.  What an imagination!

When you watch TV, you tell me who is "singing".  You recognize theme songs and say "Mike the Knight is singing" even though it's just the theme song from the Mike the Knight tv show.  When 4 Square comes on (Canadian little filler) you ask me "which square do you like, mommy?"  To which I always reply, "The blue one.  Which one do you like?" and you tell me "Green."

You have become quite the little boss.  You have wonderful manners and USUALLY use them.  The cutest is while walking through a busy place you'll call out, "Excuse me!  Excuse me, people!"  But you know when to say please, thank you, excuse me, and sorry in context...oh, and bless you!  Lately you have "forgotten" when to say please.  Mommy, sit down.  Mommy, give me the cup.  Mommy, hurry up!  Lots of reminders to use "please."

We have had to start a Good Listening sticker paper for you.  You decide when you want to listen and when you don't - I have to say, that you usually listen so well except when it's time to leave where you are and that's where we have problems.  You hate putting on your coat.  But you love getting stickers.

We are trying to use the potty - well, "we" means "me".  You will willingly sit on the potty and read your books.  Yesterday, you even pretended that you made a pee - I made a pee, mommy!  You hadn't.  You just wanted to pretend.  You will tell me that you made a poo in your diaper, but you won't tell me before it happens.  The potty takes away from your play time.  You know that when you use the potty and don't need diapers anymore you will get to wear DORA underwear.  You tell me all the time.  Obviously that's not a motivator at this point.  Today when you played with your figurines, they were all going "inside to the washroom."  It's funny how your figurines can do it, but you won't.  Suvta (your grandmother) told me you come by this honestly.  Apparently I had no interest in the potty until I was FOUR!!!  But you are starting kindergarten at 3 1/2, so you need to be trained long before I was.

Music and singing is top on your list of wonderful things.  You learn every word to songs you like, request them in the car, or just sing them.  You can change songs at any point and be in the right tune.  You also love to change the words of songs to make them silly and wait for my reaction.  "Old McDonald had a....washing machine....Noooooooo!"  You also pretend to put your neck warmer and hat on body parts they don't belong on, and wait for my reaction.

On evenings when we are trying to burn off extra steam without going outside, we go for a walk down to the lobby of the building.  You love to climb the 4 stairs, get to the top and sing your favourite songs as loud as you can.  Lately it's "If You're Happy and You Know It."  Then you go down to the concierge desk and ask if you can sit in the chair there.  Of course they always let you.  Who can resist you?

Here are two pictures from singing happy birthday to you:

I love the first one because you were trying to blow out the candle.  I can't wait to hang this one on the wall under (or over or beside) the picture of us from your first birthday.  Today, I will give you a birthday present that I've waited since October to give to you:  A Doctor's Set.  I think you will be very excited about this.  Especially b/c you are always giving Dora ear drops.  I guess when you spend so many days at the doctor's office for repeat colds, coughs, ear infections one gets to like the doctor...and you really like your doctor.  

I have now given you the doctor's set.  Tonight you said (which amazed me as we were not having a conversation):  "Open it, open it! (The doctor's bag).  I'm going to listen to my heart.  I'm going to sit on my bottom.  I'm a real doctor.  Put on my stethescope!"  YOU ARE TWO!!!  

Your birthday today was a lot of fun.  You got lots of presents and it was fun to watch you get excited about your new toys and hearing my friends wish you a happy birthday on the phone.  

And so, my darling SR, I wish you the happiest 2nd Birthday.  I can't believe you are already 2.  Wishing you a wonderful year filled with new and exciting adventures.  I can't wait to watch you learn and grow more.  I love you so much.  You're my best friend!

Love, 

Mommy

12 week u/s

Today was my 12 week u/s.  I was there FOREVER...although not as long as I was there for SR.  But the u/s alone took almost an hour and a half.  This clinic has changed a lot since I had SR.  When I was pregnant with SR, I had to go elsewhere for the b/w at 12 weeks and 16 weeks.  Now the clinic does it for me.  Also, I was released from the clinic at 12 weeks last time (except to review my IPS results at 18 weeks).  Now I'm kept on with them until my anatomy scan which I will have done at 20 weeks.

Tomorrow is my OB appointment.  It was originally scheduled for mid February, but I thought that was too long to go between being released from my clinic to my OB.  But now I'll be seen by my clinic until mid-February anyway.  Oh well.

The u/s went well.  All parts are accounted for.  I thought the NT (fluid behind the neck) seemed a little high. At first the tech said 2.5mm, but then she measured again and it was 2.3mm.  I just went back to look for SR at 12 weeks and of course I didn't write it anywhere.  My RE said that the 2.3mm is normal and just fine.  And I know that it goes along with the blood tests now and in 4 weeks from now to determine if everything is fine.

Baby 2AB has a heartbeat of 167bpm.  That is faster than SR was at this point.

What do you think of this?  The tech said to me early into the u/s, "Do you want a boy?"  I said, "I just want healthy."  Then later on, when my mom was called into the room, she pointed out the "nub" and said that she thinks it's a boy.  She didn't ask if I want to know gender (which I do, but not everyone does) and then she said that she's been wrong before - told a family at 12 weeks it was a boy and then at 16 weeks told them it was a girl.  I looked online and research shows that all babies have a "nub" at 12 weeks but it's the direction of the nub that can determine.  She did not point out the direction at all.  And so I have another 4 weeks until my next u/s when maybe they will know.  But with SR, at 20 weeks they weren't certain but they did say it was a girl.  Keeps me guessing.

I came home and told my mom I was going to trick my dad (who thinks I'm crazy for having another baby).  He asked how it went and I said, "they found two babies."  My dad reacted in the worst way.  "How will you take care of three babies?  What will you do now?"  C'mon, Dad!  I only put in one embryo.  Chances are super slim that the one embryo would have split.  Plus, I've already had several u/s.  So gullible.

A former close friend, who still has me on Facebook - I don't remember if I blogged about our falling out and why I decided to just cease communication - posted today that her and her husband are expecting #2 in July (that's when I'm due!).  It's interesting how we are so different that way.  I will tell my friends directly when I'm ready for them to know.  The public who have me on facebook don't need to be privy to everything in my life.  And especially when I am just nearing the end of my first trimester and am not showing at all (except to me).  I guess people show their excitement in different ways and I tend to be more private.  Hope I didn't offend anyone following me.  To each their own.  Just this particular "friend" won't be finding out about my pregnancy because we don't live near each other or have similar friends, and I won't be posting on facebook - at least for some time when I have told my friends directly.  

Still have migraines from not being on meds...it's pretty terrible but manageable.  Hoping I'll get to bed early tonight, but I want to try to write a post to publish tomorrow wishing my SR a happy 2nd birthday.

12 weeks today!

Today, Wednesday, December 26th, I am 12 weeks.  I also stopped all fertility medications today, of which I have been gradually decreasing for the past two weeks.  I have had several headaches over the past two weeks, and today was no exception.  I thought that by decreasing slowly I would avoid these migraines, but they came anyway.  When I had SR I got terrible migraines for about 4 days - I just continued to take the advil and tylenol I took for my c-section but that didn't help with the pain.  After my m/c, I stopped the meds cold turkey and the migraines were awful.  But, other than not having the headaches last as long, I still get them when the hormones leave my system.  Unfortunately, I would not even try to take a pain killer so I just dealt with it today.

Tomorrow is my IPS screening.  It is an u/s that measures the thickness of the neck to check for Downs Syndrome.  I will also have two blood tests, one tomorrow or Friday and one in 4 more weeks.  This will determine a ratio to tell me the risks for Downs and other disorders.  Even though I'm excited to be almost at the end of my first trimester and excited for my u/s, I'm also nervous.  I'm nervous b/c I stopped the meds.  I'm nervous b/c I tried to put SR into a swing yesterday knowing she wouldn't fit with her snowpants and boots on and I felt something pull in my abdomen.  I'm nervous b/c all of a sudden I don't feel the nausea and my appetite has returned.  And I'm nervous that something may be wrong with my little 2AB.  All normal worries, I'm sure.  But I am excited...I just want to be on the table and hear the initial, "there's the baby, and there's the heartbeat."  Then I'll relax.

SR and I are having a wonderful time together.  We are having many birthday celebrations.  We went to a playdate today where we were surprised with birthday cake following lunch and a present.  SR is going to think the entire month of December is her birthday, considering there was Chanukah, and we had an early school party, and then many people wishing her happy birthday for weeks :)  Not to mention the Holiday Party at her daycare, which she thought was a big birthday party for her.

We went to play outside yesterday and SR explored the snow a little.  She didn't want to come inside - so an hour later, when I finally got her in, I was making lunch and she asked to listen to her music.  One minute she's just sitting and listening.  The next minute, she's lying on the carpet unable to hold herself up any more.   We had a nice lunch and then she had a great nap.

Friday is my first OB appointment and SR's second birthday.  Kind of fitting that my OB brought my baby into this world two years to the day of my appointment for baby 2AB.

On Holidays!!!

I woke up yesterday morning feeling FREE!  That's the only way to describe it.  There was nothing looming over me.  No need to fear that the weekend will go by too quickly and I'll be back in the toxic environment I call my school.  I got stuff accomplished.  I spent time with SR.

The other day a former parent stopped by my classroom to chat.  As I left school I realized, I don't hate my job.  I love my job.  I just hate it this year.  The thought of 6 more months to go is looming over me.  But if all goes well, I will get a much deserved break starting in July and not have to return to work for a full year - where hopefully I will once again love my job as I always have.  I just typed several more paragraphs, but deleted them as I fear I am revealing too much.

Last week was SR's school birthday party.  The first part of it was miserable.  For some reason she napped for 2 1/2 hours and they ended up waking her because all of the kids were ready for snack and it was her birthday party.  I walked in, followed by my mom a couple of minutes later and SR was a crying fool.  She was so cranky.  She wouldn't touch the first part of her snack, two of her favourite foods:  cheese and banana.  But when they brought out the cake, and everyone sang, followed by, "Are you one?  No!  Are you two?  Yes!" my SR returned to me:

Very quickly, as she's just about to wake up from her nap, today SR realized she can sing along with her music.  She has always been the type to just sit in front of the CD player, or in school or programs just to listen to the instructor/teacher, and then repeat, verbatim, the exact words and tune to songs when it was just her to sing.  Today, while listening to her Sesame Street CD, she started to join in with the singing.  It was adorable.  I need to get it on video.  And then in the car, one of her favourite songs (from when I was a child), "Matthew Stepped Into a Mud Puddle" which I knew she knew every word to, she started singing along.  Hooray!

Last note, as I have to run to make her milk, and by make I don't mean I have to milk the cow and purify it.  I just need to warm it in the microwave.  Anyway, today I caved and bought Kraft Dinner and made a pot for lunch - after SR was already napping...there is no way I'm giving her KD.  I shouldn't be eating it.  The last time I ate it was when I was pregnant with SR.  But sometimes KD is the only thing that hits the spot!

Merry Christmas to my blogger friends who celebrate.  Looking forward to hearing your holiday stories.

So much time has gone by...

I haven't posted in a long time.  I find I barely ever turn on the computer at night anymore.  And I have so much to share and yet it doesn't seem suitable timing as my life goes on and so many families are faced with such grief that I don't know how they are functioning without their little ones.  I have read all of your blogs.  I have read about each of the children and think about how they are all like the little ones I teach.  I hold my daughter tight and tell her again and again and again how much I love her.  This is all I can post on this topic.

Briefly:  My nausea has been TERRIBLE.  Nights are the worst.  I can eat breakfast, and lunch on most days.  Dinner has become a disaster.  I have found solace in sour patch kids and sour skittles, Clementines, blueberries, apples,  and oatmeal.  I am also losing a little bit of the weight I gained, which worries me b/c I was and still am quite under weight.  I don't want my weight to interfere with this pregnancy.

Tomorrow I am 11 weeks.  My last u/s was at 9 weeks and everything was measuring on schedule.  My next u/s is next Thursday, so one week to go.

I walked the picket lines last week.  I am out of shape.  I can't even remember what it was like to work out 5-7 days a week....but my body was certainly reminding me that although I am small framed, I am not in any sort of shape at all.

I continue to count down the days until holidays - I just can't seem to enjoy my job at all this year - going through the motions to get through.  I feel bad wishing for each weekend b/c I'm almost wishing SR's time away too, but I need to get through each week in a hurry to get out of there.  I normally don't even check my work email unless I am at work anymore due to the anxiety it causes me.  But tonight I went into the system to book a supply teacher and I checked my email.  I had to log out immediately.  It was just too much for me.  So weird b/c I've never felt anxious about work in my 12 years of teaching before this year.  It all stems from one thing, but I can't get into that here.

Tomorrow is SR's school birthday party.  I am so excited.  I had to buy cake mix, icing, and sprinkles.  They make the cake as part of the activities.  I get to show up at snack time (3:00 p.m.) and enjoy the party with her, and then we leave a little something in every child's cubby.  The only downfall is that there have already been 2 celebrations this week, one on Monday and one Tuesday.  These kids are all partied and caked out! December is a busy birthday month at the school - and really SR's isn't for another week and a bit, but she won't be there.

I didn't get to post at all about SR's Chanukah.  When I moved out of my parents house many years ago, my dad gave me a menorah.  So funny how this year I took it out of the box for the first time.  It's amazing how children help us enjoy the holidays.

The other morning, SR saw her new Sesame Street table and chairs set up in the living room.  I explained to her that it was a present from mommy for her birthday.  She said, "It's so special, Mommy!"  I'm not sure where she comes up with these things.

Lots more to write about but I have to start writing cards to SRs teachers to give them their holiday gifts tomorrow and I'm EXHAUSTED!!!

Feeling like a failure...

I know I can't be super woman all the time....but this first trimester is draining me terribly.  And I'm not complaining about being pregnant...in fact, I think I had it much worse when I was pregnant with SR with all of the food aversions and nausea.  But I am EXHAUSTED!

Okay, SR kept me up last night b/c she has been sick and had a high fever.  And then this morning, I not only got myself to the GP, but met my dad with SR at the pediatrician's office.  But by the time I got SR back home for her nap, I jumped into bed immediately and slept soundly for 2 hours.  The rest of the afternoon I was in a haze.  I couldn't get us out the door so I could go grocery shopping.  I'm so lucky that all I need is some produce and my parents gave me some to tide me over and my mom is going to Walmart tomorrow anyway and will pick up what I need.

But with the exhaustion comes the fact that I can't get my place cleaned.  I am basically doing what we need to get by:  baths and showers, laundry, dishwasher (loading and emptying), making food, and playing as much as possible with SR.  I did clean my bathroom on Friday night....

Okay, so it's not as bad as it seems...but I feel like I can't do it all.  I'm just so darn tired.  And going to work every day to a job I don't love - when I always loved going to work before - is making it harder.  I am counting down the days until the break.  It just so happens that the countdown to the end of the year will also be my countdown to when 2AB will be born.

Credit to my GPs office:  I booked a 10:15 appointment last week for today with my GP - he hasn't seen me since March so I wasn't sure if he even knew who I was.  I called this morning and explained my situation with my daughter needing to go to the pediatrician this morning too (and for those of you wondering, yes both my GP and SRs ped office open on Sunday), and they said they would fit me in any time.

My GP calls in patients in groups of 7 or 8 and then goes from room to room.  I was NOT one of the names called.  The receptionist said, "will you make your ped appointment?" and I said, "not a chance."  So when the GP came out of his first patient's room, she went to speak to him, and the GP called me in IMMEDIATELY into the room that was just vacated.  I thought that was sooooo nice!  I told him about my pregnancy, and found it interesting that he didn't have the paperwork my RE said he was going to send after the 7 week u/s.  Interesting b/c it's another time the clinic has fallen down on the job.  Luckily I have another u/s this week and he can send the paperwork.  I also gave him all of my recent blood work from my clinic.  I remembered last time he sent me to have blood tests and I just don't have the time to sit in a lab with the responsibility of taking care of a toddler.  He accepted it and did not ask me to go for more blood.

Yesterday there was a choice moms party in the area - it was great.  SR kept saying "going to a party with only mommies."  But what was interesting was I got into a brief discussion with some women about the fact that they are SMC - all of these women are from an SMC group (single mothers by choice), and yet I also belong to a choice moms group.  I find I relate more to the term "choice moms" than SMC....and yet they seemed so attached to SMC.  In any case, we are all on the same journey and it was nice to get together with these families.  Weird coincidence was an old friend from University was there just starting this journey. So nice to reconnect and in such an interesting way.

Okay, I'm going to hop into the shower and try to get organized for bed.  SR is spending the day with my parents tomorrow.