I can't believe how paranoid and emotional I am today. Everything I do I'm worried will hinder my chances for this working - I didn't think that was going to happen...I actually thought I was too calm for that...WRONG! It's a nice day, so I sat in the sun....but was that a mistake? I ate some chocolate covered raisins....b/c the estrogen is making me crave chocolate like crazy....was that a mistake? I reached up for a bowl? I know, every day women go about their every day lives not even knowing they are conceiving. They are exercising and carrying on...and they conceive....but they also didn't go through all of this stuff to know EXACTLY what is happening to their body at every waking minute.
I've been a little sore and crampy today - I guess from the catheter being inserted twice (the first time was the trial run) - and I'm moody. Hopefully being at work tomorrow will help. I'm not working out this weekend, so I'll have to find some way to pass the time. When is it safe to go on a walk? How fast can I walk? I'll probably keep it leisurely. Ugh! This time will never pass fast enough.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Transfer is Complete!
I SURVIVED THE TRANSFER!...lol, but barely! Actually, the transfer itself wasn't bad...it was the lead up to it.
I decided to start drinking my one bottle of water at 8:40 am. I finished drinking around 8:50 and went in to register. By 9:20, they still hadn't taken me in, and I was bursting. So, I went to pee....and pee again....and pee again....! I only let out a little at a time, but there was really no relief.
Finally the nurse called in me and another girl who was supposed to have her transfer before me....that meant more waiting! I was bursting...and I was already naked from the waist down and in my hospital gown. The nurse came out and told me I still had 20 minutes to wait....but that I could continue to let out little bits of urine.
Finally it was my turn. The nurse got me settled and told me that the u/s tech might tell me that I could let out more urine to make me more comfortable. And guess what, I was completely overfull - after only one bottle of water and peeing a lot out already. The tech not only told me I could pee, but she said I could count to ten while I did so and I would be fine. What a relief. Ten feels like a lifetime when you're supposed to be letting only small drops of urine out.
The rest of the procedure was a breeze. The embryologist came in to have me say my name. The doctor did a preliminary round with an empty catheter. And then the embryologist came back in with my two little embryos. Apparently they lost one in the thaw...I'm disappointed about that...and they had to refreeze one....hopefully it is okay. But my RE said the embryos are of very good quality and transfered two into me.
Now I'm home and taking it easy...well, trying to. My dad is now freaking out that I'm going to leave more junk here when I move out than I had originally left here 5 years ago and he thinks NOW is the time that I should let him throw things out...he thinks it's not stressful if I sit on my bed and watch him go through everything....lol....that's the most stressful thing!!!
Anyway, I get to test officially on Mother's Day....so that would be an amazing gift to get a positive on Mother's Day. And, I don't need to wait 2 full weeks....only 10 days....and ten days is a lot fewer days than 14 in the 2ww grand scheme of things! Now I need to just try to keep busy and not think about "symptoms" that probably aren't happening anyway.
FINALLY, OFFICIALLY IN THE 2WW!!! Here's to hoping this is my last 2ww!
I decided to start drinking my one bottle of water at 8:40 am. I finished drinking around 8:50 and went in to register. By 9:20, they still hadn't taken me in, and I was bursting. So, I went to pee....and pee again....and pee again....! I only let out a little at a time, but there was really no relief.
Finally the nurse called in me and another girl who was supposed to have her transfer before me....that meant more waiting! I was bursting...and I was already naked from the waist down and in my hospital gown. The nurse came out and told me I still had 20 minutes to wait....but that I could continue to let out little bits of urine.
Finally it was my turn. The nurse got me settled and told me that the u/s tech might tell me that I could let out more urine to make me more comfortable. And guess what, I was completely overfull - after only one bottle of water and peeing a lot out already. The tech not only told me I could pee, but she said I could count to ten while I did so and I would be fine. What a relief. Ten feels like a lifetime when you're supposed to be letting only small drops of urine out.
The rest of the procedure was a breeze. The embryologist came in to have me say my name. The doctor did a preliminary round with an empty catheter. And then the embryologist came back in with my two little embryos. Apparently they lost one in the thaw...I'm disappointed about that...and they had to refreeze one....hopefully it is okay. But my RE said the embryos are of very good quality and transfered two into me.
Now I'm home and taking it easy...well, trying to. My dad is now freaking out that I'm going to leave more junk here when I move out than I had originally left here 5 years ago and he thinks NOW is the time that I should let him throw things out...he thinks it's not stressful if I sit on my bed and watch him go through everything....lol....that's the most stressful thing!!!
Anyway, I get to test officially on Mother's Day....so that would be an amazing gift to get a positive on Mother's Day. And, I don't need to wait 2 full weeks....only 10 days....and ten days is a lot fewer days than 14 in the 2ww grand scheme of things! Now I need to just try to keep busy and not think about "symptoms" that probably aren't happening anyway.
FINALLY, OFFICIALLY IN THE 2WW!!! Here's to hoping this is my last 2ww!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
So stressed...
...and it's not even stressed about tomorrow (although maybe subconsciously it is). I think I just have way too much on my plate now between moving in 2 weeks (and dealing with my lawyer, and insurance, and movers, and banks, etc.), and work stresses (teaching used to be so much easier without all the new politics...and the fact that I'm TTC....and really, I need to just stay relaxed.
I will post to you all tomorrow after the big transfer - mostly to let you know about the full bladder situation!
I will post to you all tomorrow after the big transfer - mostly to let you know about the full bladder situation!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Change of Time of Transfer
I looked at my phone this morning, only to see that I missed a call from my clinic. My heart literally skipped a beat. I immediately thought the worst - that my transfer was going to be cancelled. I used to think of myself as quite the optimist, and I still do for the most part, but in this TTC journey I've hit several roadblocks.
The clinic was calling to tell me that they moved my appointment for my FET up one hour. My transfer will now be on Thursday, April 29th at 9:30. I need to be there at 9:00 with a full bladder.
Now my worry is getting stuck in rush hour traffic with a full bladder. On the weekend, it takes me 30 minutes to get to the clinic with little traffic. So, I'm trying to figure out how much earlier to leave. I'm thinking an hour and a quarter before my appointment. And I'll start drinking at 8:45...I'm worried I won't be full enough if they take me early, or too full if they take me too late...it's all about the full bladder that freaks me out.
In the meantime, I have one more day to get through and then it's transfer day...after that, it's my 2ww with hopefully positive results.
Any suggestions for the full bladder? I have a tiny bladder. I never drink anything in an average day and I pee all day long (every hour on the hour). For my full bladder u/s I drink one water bottle 30-45 minutes before my scheduled time and I'm bursting and peeing for the next several hours. Needless to say, I won't be leaving the clinic after my appointment until I'm all peed out.
One would think the stress would come from the transfer, not the bladder :)
The clinic was calling to tell me that they moved my appointment for my FET up one hour. My transfer will now be on Thursday, April 29th at 9:30. I need to be there at 9:00 with a full bladder.
Now my worry is getting stuck in rush hour traffic with a full bladder. On the weekend, it takes me 30 minutes to get to the clinic with little traffic. So, I'm trying to figure out how much earlier to leave. I'm thinking an hour and a quarter before my appointment. And I'll start drinking at 8:45...I'm worried I won't be full enough if they take me early, or too full if they take me too late...it's all about the full bladder that freaks me out.
In the meantime, I have one more day to get through and then it's transfer day...after that, it's my 2ww with hopefully positive results.
Any suggestions for the full bladder? I have a tiny bladder. I never drink anything in an average day and I pee all day long (every hour on the hour). For my full bladder u/s I drink one water bottle 30-45 minutes before my scheduled time and I'm bursting and peeing for the next several hours. Needless to say, I won't be leaving the clinic after my appointment until I'm all peed out.
One would think the stress would come from the transfer, not the bladder :)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
What a Day
Today I have had several good cries. One of them for a good reason, and one out of complete and total frustration and exhaustion.
An average weekend for me has me sleeping in until 8am, and then I get up and go to the gym. This weekend I didn't get to the gym, nor did I get to sleep in until 8am. So, I'm definitely sleep deprived (I really like 8 hours a night to function properly - and yes I know that will have to change). Well, yesterday I woke up at 5:45 (an hour before my alarm) but I used the opportunity to use the treadmill b/c I wasn't going to the gym.
Last night I got to bed relatively early, b/c I knew I had to get up at 7:15 this morning to get to a breakfast (and start my suppositories and prometrium). Wouldn't you know that I was startled awake at 2:45am by teenagers screaming in the street. Now I was a teenager once, and I'm sure I was disruptive. But, now I'm an adult...an adult on the verge of a FET, who is highly medicated, and very sleep deprived. I figured they'd settle down and carry on their way. I'm also staying at my parents' house, so I'm not used to being on a regular street - and I look forward to moving into my new place in 2 1/2 weeks :) I waited and watched the kids from the window for about 15 minutes....they were hooting and hollering and carrying on. My parents' room is in the back of the house...as are all of the master bedrooms on this street...so I figured that all adults on the street were not hearing the ruckus I was....so I called the police. Yes, that's right...I am officially an adult who called the police to complain about noisy kids....I'm ready to be a parent :) The police hadn't arrived by 4 am...I watched the kids until then. When the kids walked away, I climbed back into bed and I guess I fell asleep. This morning when I told my mom what happened, she told me that my dad had gotten up at 4:30 like he always does, and he saw the police outside our house. He didn't know why. Well, I guess when it takes an hour and a half to come to a disruption there isn't anything to see.
Okay, I'm sleep deprived and back on the 3 hour fasts between meals - which never seems that long when I'm on the prometrium...I think b/c of the bloating and the fact that I'm eating slightly larger meals, I'm staying fuller longer. I went to hear a young lady, who I worked with when I was in university, speak about living with autism. Her mother wrote a book about her daughter, and her daughter spoke. I guess it's the hormones, and the sleep deprivation, and the fact that I worked with her when she was just a little girl, and now she's in her twenties and thriving, and the fact that I worry most about having a wonderful little child who changes before my eyes into being a child on the autism spectrum...but while she was speaking, I burst into tears...I was sobbing uncontrollably. My mother was rubbing my back and trying to get me to calm down. And I did calm down. I was just so moved by this wonderful young lady and her family (who I have known my entire life).
So, if one cry isn't enough, then I went grocery shopping. Today was the day that Loblaws was offering 20X the points...and I really wanted the points b/c I'm trying to get a free (or close to free) 32" flat screen TV for my new place before I move in two weeks. I spent over an hour walking through aisles, hand picking my produce, and calling my parents to see what else I could buy for them (b/c I had to spend over $75 to get the points). I got up to the cash and happened to ask the cashier, and she told me that the promotion was only at the superstore. I was so frustrated....I had already fasted for over 2 hours, and it was past time to take the prometrium, so that all I would have to do is wait one more hour to eat, but I didn't have water with me...and it was 1:45, so I wouldn't have been able to eat lunch until at least 2:45, if I had taken the pill then....and I called my mom and burst into tears, right in the middle of loblaws. I had to get a grip b/c I sometimes bump into my students at loblaws...and I know this is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I was just frustrated b/c I knew I would have to go grocery shopping again at night if I was to get my points.
I ended up having a good day (although I'm wiped out)....went to Ikea with my mom and had an official lunch around 4:30. Then I went grocery shopping at 6:45 and finally came home to eat dinner late late late. The good news - I spent more than $75 on groceries, so I got my points. The other good news, the suppositories aren't bad at all...it's just scheduling all of my meds (luckily the patches stay on). Coordinating when to take the oral estrogen and vaginal estrogen and the suppositories and scheduling my meals around the 3 hour fasts for the prometrium. AND I NEED TO DO THIS FOR 10 WEEKS OF PREGNANCY? I know, it will all be worth it :)
Off to bed. 4 more days until transfer!
An average weekend for me has me sleeping in until 8am, and then I get up and go to the gym. This weekend I didn't get to the gym, nor did I get to sleep in until 8am. So, I'm definitely sleep deprived (I really like 8 hours a night to function properly - and yes I know that will have to change). Well, yesterday I woke up at 5:45 (an hour before my alarm) but I used the opportunity to use the treadmill b/c I wasn't going to the gym.
Last night I got to bed relatively early, b/c I knew I had to get up at 7:15 this morning to get to a breakfast (and start my suppositories and prometrium). Wouldn't you know that I was startled awake at 2:45am by teenagers screaming in the street. Now I was a teenager once, and I'm sure I was disruptive. But, now I'm an adult...an adult on the verge of a FET, who is highly medicated, and very sleep deprived. I figured they'd settle down and carry on their way. I'm also staying at my parents' house, so I'm not used to being on a regular street - and I look forward to moving into my new place in 2 1/2 weeks :) I waited and watched the kids from the window for about 15 minutes....they were hooting and hollering and carrying on. My parents' room is in the back of the house...as are all of the master bedrooms on this street...so I figured that all adults on the street were not hearing the ruckus I was....so I called the police. Yes, that's right...I am officially an adult who called the police to complain about noisy kids....I'm ready to be a parent :) The police hadn't arrived by 4 am...I watched the kids until then. When the kids walked away, I climbed back into bed and I guess I fell asleep. This morning when I told my mom what happened, she told me that my dad had gotten up at 4:30 like he always does, and he saw the police outside our house. He didn't know why. Well, I guess when it takes an hour and a half to come to a disruption there isn't anything to see.
Okay, I'm sleep deprived and back on the 3 hour fasts between meals - which never seems that long when I'm on the prometrium...I think b/c of the bloating and the fact that I'm eating slightly larger meals, I'm staying fuller longer. I went to hear a young lady, who I worked with when I was in university, speak about living with autism. Her mother wrote a book about her daughter, and her daughter spoke. I guess it's the hormones, and the sleep deprivation, and the fact that I worked with her when she was just a little girl, and now she's in her twenties and thriving, and the fact that I worry most about having a wonderful little child who changes before my eyes into being a child on the autism spectrum...but while she was speaking, I burst into tears...I was sobbing uncontrollably. My mother was rubbing my back and trying to get me to calm down. And I did calm down. I was just so moved by this wonderful young lady and her family (who I have known my entire life).
So, if one cry isn't enough, then I went grocery shopping. Today was the day that Loblaws was offering 20X the points...and I really wanted the points b/c I'm trying to get a free (or close to free) 32" flat screen TV for my new place before I move in two weeks. I spent over an hour walking through aisles, hand picking my produce, and calling my parents to see what else I could buy for them (b/c I had to spend over $75 to get the points). I got up to the cash and happened to ask the cashier, and she told me that the promotion was only at the superstore. I was so frustrated....I had already fasted for over 2 hours, and it was past time to take the prometrium, so that all I would have to do is wait one more hour to eat, but I didn't have water with me...and it was 1:45, so I wouldn't have been able to eat lunch until at least 2:45, if I had taken the pill then....and I called my mom and burst into tears, right in the middle of loblaws. I had to get a grip b/c I sometimes bump into my students at loblaws...and I know this is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I was just frustrated b/c I knew I would have to go grocery shopping again at night if I was to get my points.
I ended up having a good day (although I'm wiped out)....went to Ikea with my mom and had an official lunch around 4:30. Then I went grocery shopping at 6:45 and finally came home to eat dinner late late late. The good news - I spent more than $75 on groceries, so I got my points. The other good news, the suppositories aren't bad at all...it's just scheduling all of my meds (luckily the patches stay on). Coordinating when to take the oral estrogen and vaginal estrogen and the suppositories and scheduling my meals around the 3 hour fasts for the prometrium. AND I NEED TO DO THIS FOR 10 WEEKS OF PREGNANCY? I know, it will all be worth it :)
Off to bed. 4 more days until transfer!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The Lining Thickens...
Last night I thought really thick thoughts. Guess I was thinking so hard that I woke up super early (5:45am) and couldn't fall back to sleep. I knew I wouldn't be getting to the gym today or tomorrow (and hopefully not for two weeks after my transfer), so I got dressed and went downstairs to the treadmill. I needed that workout. It just left me feeling totally relaxed as I prepared for either the best or worst case scenerios. The best being my lining thickened enough to proceed. The worst being that my lining and estrogen levels refuse to climb.
I left the house exactly 30 minutes before my appointment, b/c that's how long it takes to get to the main office that I have to go to on the weekends. Wouldn't you know it, my car was completely out of gas and I had forgotten to stop yesterday after work as I had originally planned. As relaxed as I was before leaving the house, I got a little huffy zipping to the gas station and trying to get back to the highway.
I'm just dragging out the inevitable here...wanting to share but waiting until the last possible moment. Okay, okay, I'll share. I was lying on the table, and the tech had the screen angled toward me...this is not an every day occurance. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the screen read 8.4mm....I JUMPED AN ENTIRE MM IN THE LAST FEW DAYS!!! I felt like the old scientist in The Neverending Story who jumped up and screamed "He made it, he made it!" when Atryu made it through the first gate on his way to the Southern Oracle (is this anyone else's favourite movie, too?). My lining made it!!!
My next step was to talk to the RE. He was thrilled and told me that I would probably be transferring on Thursday, but they had to wait for my blood test results. He then sent me to speak with MY NURSE. I was so glad b/c the nurses on Saturday at the main clinic are always different. And my nurse from my main clinic was working today. She was thrilled. She told me that her and the doctor were actually quite worried that my lining wasn't going to make it. I got the new scripts from her and was told to wait for her phone call with instructions.
So, starting tomorrow, I'm back on the Prometrium, which means fasting for 3 hours each time I take a pill. Last time I took this I was losing weight but getting bloated and I was starving all the time. It was so hard taking this med and working full time when I'm used to eating all the time. And, if the pregnancy takes, I'll have to take this for the next ten weeks!!! TEN WEEKS? But I'll take it happily if this works! Just don't remind me that I said I'll take it happily when I start groaning. I'll know that I said this...I'll just need my time to vent!!! So today, I'm really living it up. I'm just eating for the sake of eating....knowing that starting tomorrow I'll be starving! Although, the prometrium is really good for my snacking habits...helps to know that I can't just snack for the sake of snacking!
I'll also be starting the suppositories. Hmmmm, if I'm taking the suppositories 3 times a day, when will I take my vaginal estrogen? I don't need to worry about that just now.
I might write again this week to let you know how the suppositories and prometrium is going. Otherwise, I'll definitely write on Thursday after my transfer. I'm worried about the discomfort of the full bladder during the procedure...I'll make like Scarlett O'Hara and think of it another time :)
I left the house exactly 30 minutes before my appointment, b/c that's how long it takes to get to the main office that I have to go to on the weekends. Wouldn't you know it, my car was completely out of gas and I had forgotten to stop yesterday after work as I had originally planned. As relaxed as I was before leaving the house, I got a little huffy zipping to the gas station and trying to get back to the highway.
I'm just dragging out the inevitable here...wanting to share but waiting until the last possible moment. Okay, okay, I'll share. I was lying on the table, and the tech had the screen angled toward me...this is not an every day occurance. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the screen read 8.4mm....I JUMPED AN ENTIRE MM IN THE LAST FEW DAYS!!! I felt like the old scientist in The Neverending Story who jumped up and screamed "He made it, he made it!" when Atryu made it through the first gate on his way to the Southern Oracle (is this anyone else's favourite movie, too?). My lining made it!!!
My next step was to talk to the RE. He was thrilled and told me that I would probably be transferring on Thursday, but they had to wait for my blood test results. He then sent me to speak with MY NURSE. I was so glad b/c the nurses on Saturday at the main clinic are always different. And my nurse from my main clinic was working today. She was thrilled. She told me that her and the doctor were actually quite worried that my lining wasn't going to make it. I got the new scripts from her and was told to wait for her phone call with instructions.
So, starting tomorrow, I'm back on the Prometrium, which means fasting for 3 hours each time I take a pill. Last time I took this I was losing weight but getting bloated and I was starving all the time. It was so hard taking this med and working full time when I'm used to eating all the time. And, if the pregnancy takes, I'll have to take this for the next ten weeks!!! TEN WEEKS? But I'll take it happily if this works! Just don't remind me that I said I'll take it happily when I start groaning. I'll know that I said this...I'll just need my time to vent!!! So today, I'm really living it up. I'm just eating for the sake of eating....knowing that starting tomorrow I'll be starving! Although, the prometrium is really good for my snacking habits...helps to know that I can't just snack for the sake of snacking!
I'll also be starting the suppositories. Hmmmm, if I'm taking the suppositories 3 times a day, when will I take my vaginal estrogen? I don't need to worry about that just now.
I might write again this week to let you know how the suppositories and prometrium is going. Otherwise, I'll definitely write on Thursday after my transfer. I'm worried about the discomfort of the full bladder during the procedure...I'll make like Scarlett O'Hara and think of it another time :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tomorrow is...CD25!!!
I realize that I didn't post after my appointment on Wednesday. And now it's Friday night and I have my next appointment tomorrow. I'm going back to an email I wrote on Wednesday morning to help me remember exactly what happened. There might be a little TMI about vaginas :) Hey, I have to use the proper word with my students during health. I may as well use the proper word here in my TTC blog.
My lining was still only at 7.4mm. This after being on 6mg of estrace and 3 patches. Ugh! But my RE put me more at ease. We were laughing and joking around, which was really nice. He started off by saying "And here I was all excited to be starting the transfer." To which I replied, "You were excited? What about me?" I mentioned to him about a girl from my message board using injections for her estrogen and that she lives in the states. He said that they do things differently here and they don't give estrogen injections.
We looked at my lining from last "cycle" (I say that in quotes b/c I don't ever have a natural cycle - they are all pretend). My lining only got to 7.6mm. And my original cycle without any meds (that wasn't even a cycle) I got to 5.6mm.
He told me that I would start taking estrogen vaginally, on top of the patch and the three pills I already take. I asked him if the pill will fall out, and he told me that the vagina is like a sandwich with meat and cheese (vegetarian - hello???). I told him I will never think of the vagina the same way again. We were laughing. He told me that I could turn cartwheels and the estrogen wouldn't fall out. I told him that I'm going to try that, but he said not to in case he was wrong :)
I'm hopeful that by my next appointment, tomorrow, he will see a change in my lining. He also mentioned that I'm small, and maybe my lining is as thick as it's going to get. I questioned if I would be able to carry a baby with a thin lining and he said yes, but he would still like to try to get it thicker.
I'm thinking that this means my cycle will not be cancelled. Eventually he will transfer me!
So that's where I'm at now. I'm hopeful that tomorrow my RE gives me the green light to start the progesterone. I can transfer any day next week except Friday (b/c it's the one day I have to be at work - although I want to be at work on Tuesday as well if possible). My students are performing for the school. It's such a nothing song, but my colleague is going to be away for a medical appointment, and I have to lead both of our classes on the stage. I don't think it would be fair to leave notes for a supply teacher (or two) that they have to lead two classes on the stage singing a song they have never heard...lol. I'll deal with it tomorrow if it's an issue.
I will write tomorrow - hopefully with a smile on my face. To think that if my 2ww had started on Monday as it was originally supposed to, I would be almost finished week one. Alas, I still don't know when I will get the green light.
My lining was still only at 7.4mm. This after being on 6mg of estrace and 3 patches. Ugh! But my RE put me more at ease. We were laughing and joking around, which was really nice. He started off by saying "And here I was all excited to be starting the transfer." To which I replied, "You were excited? What about me?" I mentioned to him about a girl from my message board using injections for her estrogen and that she lives in the states. He said that they do things differently here and they don't give estrogen injections.
We looked at my lining from last "cycle" (I say that in quotes b/c I don't ever have a natural cycle - they are all pretend). My lining only got to 7.6mm. And my original cycle without any meds (that wasn't even a cycle) I got to 5.6mm.
He told me that I would start taking estrogen vaginally, on top of the patch and the three pills I already take. I asked him if the pill will fall out, and he told me that the vagina is like a sandwich with meat and cheese (vegetarian - hello???). I told him I will never think of the vagina the same way again. We were laughing. He told me that I could turn cartwheels and the estrogen wouldn't fall out. I told him that I'm going to try that, but he said not to in case he was wrong :)
I'm hopeful that by my next appointment, tomorrow, he will see a change in my lining. He also mentioned that I'm small, and maybe my lining is as thick as it's going to get. I questioned if I would be able to carry a baby with a thin lining and he said yes, but he would still like to try to get it thicker.
I'm thinking that this means my cycle will not be cancelled. Eventually he will transfer me!
So that's where I'm at now. I'm hopeful that tomorrow my RE gives me the green light to start the progesterone. I can transfer any day next week except Friday (b/c it's the one day I have to be at work - although I want to be at work on Tuesday as well if possible). My students are performing for the school. It's such a nothing song, but my colleague is going to be away for a medical appointment, and I have to lead both of our classes on the stage. I don't think it would be fair to leave notes for a supply teacher (or two) that they have to lead two classes on the stage singing a song they have never heard...lol. I'll deal with it tomorrow if it's an issue.
I will write tomorrow - hopefully with a smile on my face. To think that if my 2ww had started on Monday as it was originally supposed to, I would be almost finished week one. Alas, I still don't know when I will get the green light.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
My Lining SHRUNK???
This morning was my CD19 u/s and b/w. I've been thinking thick thoughts (alliteration) and wearing my two patches and taking my estrace. And this morning, the tech told me that my lining was 7.2 mm. I said, "How can that be? It was at 7.3 on Friday." She told me that she already checked it a second time when she realized that, but she would check it a third time. And, once again, it was 7.2mm.
The RE said that he will see me again on Wednesday for yet another u/s and b/w. That's CD22. I asked him what will happen if it doesn't thicken, and he told me that we would try another strategy. I'm thinking that means that they would have to cancel this cycle - yet another one missed out on - and start over again!!! But, if they do that, then the fact that I had my biopsy to make my lining sticky last cycle would be for nothing...meaning that I would have to have another biopsy??? I'm just guessing here!
But it gets worse...at my appointment, my RE said he was happy to see my estrogen numbers were climbing and so he thought my lining would thicken as well. I got a call this afternoon from the nurse. Apparently my b/w today showed that my numbers went down. So, they increased me to a third patch!!! I've gone up from one patch to three this week.
I must say, I've been feeling really down today. I originally thought that I was going to be transferring tomorrow...now it looks like if my lining miraculously grows between now and Wednesday, I won't be transferring until next Monday...which isn't terrible. I can deal with next Monday. And I'm sure I'll be able to deal with taking a cycle off too. It just doesn't take away from the disappointment. I've been waiting for so long to get this started. I know this is nothing compared with the disappointment I will feel if it doesn't take. But I'll get through that too. For now, I'm going to allow myself to feel disappointed.
The RE said that he will see me again on Wednesday for yet another u/s and b/w. That's CD22. I asked him what will happen if it doesn't thicken, and he told me that we would try another strategy. I'm thinking that means that they would have to cancel this cycle - yet another one missed out on - and start over again!!! But, if they do that, then the fact that I had my biopsy to make my lining sticky last cycle would be for nothing...meaning that I would have to have another biopsy??? I'm just guessing here!
But it gets worse...at my appointment, my RE said he was happy to see my estrogen numbers were climbing and so he thought my lining would thicken as well. I got a call this afternoon from the nurse. Apparently my b/w today showed that my numbers went down. So, they increased me to a third patch!!! I've gone up from one patch to three this week.
I must say, I've been feeling really down today. I originally thought that I was going to be transferring tomorrow...now it looks like if my lining miraculously grows between now and Wednesday, I won't be transferring until next Monday...which isn't terrible. I can deal with next Monday. And I'm sure I'll be able to deal with taking a cycle off too. It just doesn't take away from the disappointment. I've been waiting for so long to get this started. I know this is nothing compared with the disappointment I will feel if it doesn't take. But I'll get through that too. For now, I'm going to allow myself to feel disappointed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Slowest Growing Lining EVER!!!
This morning was my CD17 u/s and b/w. I have been thinking thick thoughts. I am wearing two estrogen patches and taking 3 pills of estrogen a day. I am craving chocolate morning, noon, and night (and all the times in between). My hair is full and radiant.
MY LINING ONLY GREW .1 OF A MM. I went from 7.2 mm (I may have written 7.5mm in an earlier blog) to 7.3mm in 48 hours! How is that possible? This week has gone sooooo slowly, and I'm not even on my 2ww yet...how torturous will that be? And, I'm so busy at work, so it's not like it should be going so slowly.
I'll just continue waiting. Like my little embryos that are perfect in character but slow to develop, so is my lining...soooooo excrutiatingly slow!!!!
I don't want to rush it though...I'm not desperate for the transfer. I will wait as long as I have to in order to make sure the conditions are ideal for my little embryo. It's just that I'm really excited to get this show on the road already!
Back at the clinic again Sunday morning - it will be CD19 - if they give me the go ahead to start the progesterone I will transfer on CD24 - this is the longest cycle!!! I will write an update on Sunday - unless something else comes up before then.
MY LINING ONLY GREW .1 OF A MM. I went from 7.2 mm (I may have written 7.5mm in an earlier blog) to 7.3mm in 48 hours! How is that possible? This week has gone sooooo slowly, and I'm not even on my 2ww yet...how torturous will that be? And, I'm so busy at work, so it's not like it should be going so slowly.
I'll just continue waiting. Like my little embryos that are perfect in character but slow to develop, so is my lining...soooooo excrutiatingly slow!!!!
I don't want to rush it though...I'm not desperate for the transfer. I will wait as long as I have to in order to make sure the conditions are ideal for my little embryo. It's just that I'm really excited to get this show on the road already!
Back at the clinic again Sunday morning - it will be CD19 - if they give me the go ahead to start the progesterone I will transfer on CD24 - this is the longest cycle!!! I will write an update on Sunday - unless something else comes up before then.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Another slight delay
This morning I went for my CD15 lining check...7.5mm...only! I mean, I'm getting close and all, but still not quite there. So, I'm delayed. I could take this as a good thing - anything to get me not to have a December baby (although it'll be fine if I do). Plus, I know they don't want to transfer if my lining is too thin or the embryo won't latch on properly.
So, back I go again on Friday morning, CD17. In the meantime, I'm now using 6mg of estrace and 2 Climara patches....up from 1. Hopefully my lining will continue to thicken nicely....I can wait patiently.
Funny story from work today: I read the kids a set of books called "Wayside" by Louis Sachar. I read the books every year, and I knew that this particular chapter in book 3 was coming up. I knew b/c in some of the previous chapters the students have implied that their teacher "seemed different". Basically the books are about a teacher and her group of students. And now, the teacher is pregnant. As I was reading this chapter, I was BEAMING from ear to ear...couldn't stop. And it wasn't even a funny part of the story. I even had to stop reading at one point to relax myself. I was just visualizing how I would tell my students next year (not this group b/c no one will know before the year is up. Hopefully if all goes well I will be telling my group next year). I don't usually lose control that way in front of my students.
Okay, off to bed...I'm exhausted.
So, back I go again on Friday morning, CD17. In the meantime, I'm now using 6mg of estrace and 2 Climara patches....up from 1. Hopefully my lining will continue to thicken nicely....I can wait patiently.
Funny story from work today: I read the kids a set of books called "Wayside" by Louis Sachar. I read the books every year, and I knew that this particular chapter in book 3 was coming up. I knew b/c in some of the previous chapters the students have implied that their teacher "seemed different". Basically the books are about a teacher and her group of students. And now, the teacher is pregnant. As I was reading this chapter, I was BEAMING from ear to ear...couldn't stop. And it wasn't even a funny part of the story. I even had to stop reading at one point to relax myself. I was just visualizing how I would tell my students next year (not this group b/c no one will know before the year is up. Hopefully if all goes well I will be telling my group next year). I don't usually lose control that way in front of my students.
Okay, off to bed...I'm exhausted.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Stress mounting
Okay, as if I haven't been going through enough with all of the fertility stuff, and anxiously awaiting my transfer...I'm also temporarily living at my parents' place (for less than one more month now). Tonight my mother and I got into a huge fight about nothing. Then, when I tried to resolve everything, she walked away or just tried to pacify me...and I hate being soothed! I thought it was very big of me to approach her to work things out. But no, she was fine with not talking to me, and even left the house tonight without saying goodbye, knowing I would be asleep when she got home. She doesn't understand why I'm upset!
Well, hello? For the past several months I've been on drugs galore, poked and prodded and now...finally now...the day is almost here! Tomorrow morning I will probably be told the date of my transfer. IT IS OVERWHELMING, YOU KNOW!!!
On top of this, I had two terrible dreams last night that had me waking up gasping for breath. One I forgot by the time I woke up for real. The other one was that my RE refused to do the transfer this cycle for absolutely no reason at all. So, as you can see, even my subconscious is overwhelmed.
Really, I thought I was doing okay, but I guess I'm not...add on top of all this, that I haven't been working out my frustrations through exercise for over a month now due to my foot injury (and other demands placed on me)...and now I won't be able to do anything during my 2ww either.
I just feel that I made a step to talk to my mother to try to work things out, and what we were arguing about was the most miniscule thing that ever was, and she walked away. I think it takes a big person to want to try to talk things out...and I don't deserve the silent treatment over nothing. Life is too short for this!
And...I really need my own space back...my own home...where I can do what I want without having to deal with other people!!! Today I booked my moving date and my movers...but one month is a long time...and by then I'll know if I'm pregnant or not.
Well, hello? For the past several months I've been on drugs galore, poked and prodded and now...finally now...the day is almost here! Tomorrow morning I will probably be told the date of my transfer. IT IS OVERWHELMING, YOU KNOW!!!
On top of this, I had two terrible dreams last night that had me waking up gasping for breath. One I forgot by the time I woke up for real. The other one was that my RE refused to do the transfer this cycle for absolutely no reason at all. So, as you can see, even my subconscious is overwhelmed.
Really, I thought I was doing okay, but I guess I'm not...add on top of all this, that I haven't been working out my frustrations through exercise for over a month now due to my foot injury (and other demands placed on me)...and now I won't be able to do anything during my 2ww either.
I just feel that I made a step to talk to my mother to try to work things out, and what we were arguing about was the most miniscule thing that ever was, and she walked away. I think it takes a big person to want to try to talk things out...and I don't deserve the silent treatment over nothing. Life is too short for this!
And...I really need my own space back...my own home...where I can do what I want without having to deal with other people!!! Today I booked my moving date and my movers...but one month is a long time...and by then I'll know if I'm pregnant or not.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Told the accountant...the family friend!!!
So, today I sat down with the accountant to tell him what I'm doing...the accountant is a family friend who is friends with a large group of my parents' friends. I told him that I needed to talk to him about something VERY confidential and then I told him that I was undergoing fertility treatments and I used a sperm bank. He was great (until we see if he tells anyone). He didn't bat an eyelash! Now, his wife volunteers in my classroom, so a big indicator will be if she brings anything up to me. I'm hopeful that within the next few months everyone will know anyway, but for now, hopefully it's just between us :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Only Days Away!!!
Today is CD11. And everything is still looking great! My lining is at 6.5. I continue to take the 6mg of estrace (2mg 3xday) and the climara patch! I am running an estrogen high...I love estrogen! I am going back on Wednesday morning for CD15 b/w and u/s. If everything is still looking good on Wednesday, then I transfer 5 days later. So, I have 4 more days of living Prometrium-free...then back to the 3 hour fasting! I'm hoping they let me take it only at bedtime...that makes life so much easier.
I need to stay realistic, though. Things generally don't go my way. And I've heard too many times about it not working for people. I mean, after all, I've been TTC for months now, and yet this is my very first attempt. And even if it does work, I need to hang on to the little guy with all my might.
In the meantime, I'm excited...really excited...I'm just over one week away from FET#1 (and 2???).
I need to stay realistic, though. Things generally don't go my way. And I've heard too many times about it not working for people. I mean, after all, I've been TTC for months now, and yet this is my very first attempt. And even if it does work, I need to hang on to the little guy with all my might.
In the meantime, I'm excited...really excited...I'm just over one week away from FET#1 (and 2???).
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Cycle Day 4 - getting closer
This morning I had my CD4 u/s and b/w. I'm trying to drink less and closer to the start time each time so I'm prepared for my full bladder transfer. In any case, my bladder wasn't full when I was called in. I did not have to drink more, just sit in the waiting area for ten more minutes. By that time, I was feeling pretty full.
My RE said that everything looks "perfect" today and he'll see me in a week...I'm just to continue the estrogen. So, next Saturday is CD11 and that means I'm one step even closer to transfer.
Stay calm, cool, and collected :)
My RE said that everything looks "perfect" today and he'll see me in a week...I'm just to continue the estrogen. So, next Saturday is CD11 and that means I'm one step even closer to transfer.
Stay calm, cool, and collected :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Cycle Day 3 of Transfer Cycle
I am writing this post from W. My grandmother passed away and I came in with my parents for the funeral. I can only hope that this is a sign of "when one life ends, another begins" as I enter into my transfer cycle.
I spoke with the embryologist this week. I wanted to know the exact gradings of my embryos. So, here's what I found out. I have 9 embryos that were frozen on day 5. 4 of them are still pre-blastocysts...5 of them are AA (top quality) but only numbers 1 and 2 (as opposed to 3 and 4 which are more developed from what I understand). I am thinking that my little embryos are just slow to develop (kind of like me?) and that they are all pretty good. At least the 5 formed ones are AA...that's the best!!! So, the embryoligist suggested I transfer 2 embryos. I reminded him that at 2 days post ER he said I should only transfer one embryo. He told me that b/c the numbers are lower than 3 or 4, he said that 2 would be strongly recommended. So, 2 it is.
I guess now, if I have twins, it was meant to be for me and I'll handle whatever I get. Part of me is really hopeful for twins. Yes it will be harder during pregnancy, and yes it will be harder at the beginning, and yes there could be complications during pregnancy where I can't work or complications with the babies b/c I'd be having two, and the costs would be more for
I spoke with the embryologist this week. I wanted to know the exact gradings of my embryos. So, here's what I found out. I have 9 embryos that were frozen on day 5. 4 of them are still pre-blastocysts...5 of them are AA (top quality) but only numbers 1 and 2 (as opposed to 3 and 4 which are more developed from what I understand). I am thinking that my little embryos are just slow to develop (kind of like me?) and that they are all pretty good. At least the 5 formed ones are AA...that's the best!!! So, the embryoligist suggested I transfer 2 embryos. I reminded him that at 2 days post ER he said I should only transfer one embryo. He told me that b/c the numbers are lower than 3 or 4, he said that 2 would be strongly recommended. So, 2 it is.
I guess now, if I have twins, it was meant to be for me and I'll handle whatever I get. Part of me is really hopeful for twins. Yes it will be harder during pregnancy, and yes it will be harder at the beginning, and yes there could be complications during pregnancy where I can't work or complications with the babies b/c I'd be having two, and the costs would be more for
- clothing
- feeding
- diapers
- car seats
- cribs
- on and on and on
But, wouldn't I eventually have those costs anyway by having 2 spread apart? But, I know I'll need to find that money now...well, I'd have 9 months to continue to save...and I'd probably need to invest in a bigger car than anticipated (mini-van?) to prepare for the double stroller...
BUT...I would have my ready made family. I wouldn't have to go through this again. No more morning clinic visits. No more drugs and procedures.
So, am I willing to take the chance that I might have twins? I mean, there is also the chance that neither embryo will stick and I'm back at square one.
I need to stay as relaxed as possible and just go with the flow. Pretty hard for me who loves to have everything in control and ordered (except my clutter).
Tomorrow is my CD4 appointment...full bladder (hopefully the last until I have full bladder u/s for checking the fetus). I'll find out my new estrogen protocol then.
THIS COULD BE IT!!! ...but no pressure :)
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