A Great Day at Daycare

I dropped Scarlett off at 7:45 this morning.  She cried for two seconds when I waved and said bye.  Then she smiled at me and went back to playing.

I phoned my mom at recess and she asked if I had called the daycare.  I told her I hadn't.  She had!  Apparently Scarlett wouldn't take her morning nap.

I called the daycare at lunch and they told me that it's true that she wouldn't nap, but she was so happy.  She just sat in her crib and smiled and laughed.  She ate a good lunch and she did take the pm nap.

When I went to pick her up, she was happy.  They told me that the way I described how she makes strange is not the baby that she is.  She is active and happy and playful and affectionate.  She loves circle time (which I know very well) and loves to eat (which I also know).  They think she didn't want to nap b/c she didn't want to miss out on anything.

I'm thrilled.  She's adjusting so much faster than I could have ever imagined.  My mom feels lost.  She spent the last year with both of us.  Now I'm at work and very busy so my days fly by and Scarlett is at daycare, and my mom is missing us.  She wants to pick Scarlett up early tomorrow.  I think that Scarlett should adjust to full days before my parents start picking her up early.

Okay, it's almost bedtime.

If I can survive this...

As I was gearing up for back to work, I knew it would be an adjustment.  I mean, sure, it's easy to handle being a choice mom when I wasn't working full time.  But, how would it be when I was working?

So when Scarlett got sick I knew it would be a challenge.  But for me to get sick too.  Well, if I got myself through the first week of being back to work while sick and dealing with a sick baby...I can handle anything!

I feel like crap.  I'm now on antibiotics - bronchial and sinus infections - and Scarlett is still on antibiotics...plus she now has a new cold.

When I came home from work on Thursday, Scarlett looked older to me.  More grown up.  Wiser.  Her face had changed.  I think I just missed being with her.  The work day is busy and I'm enjoying myself - even though I had no voice and felt like garbage - my students are nice and a lot of fun.  It goes by very quickly.  But when Scarlett looks different at the end of the day, I know I've missed her a lot.  She also seems indifferent to me when I come home.  Is that a good thing?  But today she's been a lot of fun...it's Saturday and we're home sick together....but she's playing with me and obviously knows she's with the one who loves her the most.

I just have to make the most of our time together now.  How will I juggle everything with two?  Some choice moms really make it seem so natural - I am in awe of them.  And my parents have started on me again about how everything would be so much easier with a husband.  I am so happy that I don't have a husband.  I like my little family of two.  My mom doesn't realize that she wouldn't get to be as involved as she is if there was a husband.  Not to mention a set of in-laws.  And they both keep telling me NOT to have another baby without some "help"....meaning husband/boyfriend/partner/friend....but I'm not going to wait.  My dad was worried about me having Scarlett and I know he just loves her so much.

Anyway, I have Scarlett's broccoli boiling away so I better go and get it out of the pot.

Bitter Sweet

It has been a very rough week.  It started last Tuesday when Scarlett went to her first daycare for one hour.  Then, I had second thoughts about leaving her and extended my leave.  I got everyone really upset with me from my principal to the superintendent and took back my leave extension at the same time that I got into my dream daycare.  I had several nights of no sleep.  Following that, Scarlett got sick.  A high fever for 4 days and 3 doctor visits before finally getting a diagnosis of pink eye for both of us and an ear infection and possible sinus infection for Scarlett.  Torturing my baby trying to pour medicine into her and don't even get me started on the eye drops!

Many more sleepless nights.  Scarlett having a fever turned my 7-7 sleeper into a terrible sleeper.  And don't I have to go back to work right as all of this chaos is happening.  So I got a sore throat which has now turned into a sore throat and laryngitis.  And my job is to talk.

On Monday morning I cried when I left her with my mom.  It is very hard to be away from my baby all day.  But I'm actually okay knowing she's with my parents all day.  I know that she is in wonderful hands.  It's when she starts daycare that I'm going to fret.  With my parents I call every few hours to check in and hear her babbling in the background.

Today my parents took Scarlett to her new daycare for one hour.  They stayed with her the whole time.  She was fine until one of the teachers picked her up...and Scarlett hates to be picked up.  My mom had issues with a few things she saw.  What can I do?  It's not us looking after her.  We have to trust these people to care for my baby.  But it's hard to have trust when we see things we don't like.

I like to think that a parent could enter my classroom at any time and be happy with what they see.  Their children are cared for, spoken to nicely, there is a respectful environment, and there is learning.  That is what I want for my baby.

I have really enjoyed my first two days back at work.  I already have my routines in place.  These are a wonderful group of students...is it too premature to say that I think this will be my best group yet?  But at the same time, I don't want to leave my baby all day.  I don't want her with these strangers and a group of other children.  I want her with me.  I want to teach her and play with her.  I rushed right home today and spent time with her.  But Scarlett is still sick and had had a long day.  She didn't really want to play so much.  But we had from 4 to 7:30 together tonight.  Is that enough time together?

And I almost forgot....BREASTFEEDING HAS STOPPED.  The other night she wouldn't take milk from me...turns out there is no milk to be had.  And just like that there are no more feeds.  My breasts haven't hurt or gotten engorged....there is just suddenly no milk.  Is that weird?  I have breastfed my baby for over 12 months and suddenly there is just nothing left?

On that note, I am really exhausted.  I have laundry to fold, clothes to label for daycare, and I want to be in bed sleeping in 15 minutes....ambitious maybe?  I think I'll save the laundry folding for tomorrow morning.  The clothes for daycare might need to wait until tomorrow night.  At least I have her blanket and cups ready to go.  She's only going for two hours tomorrow.

Quick update

Back to the pediatrician this morning.  We both have pink eye.  Scarlett still has her fever after 4 days.  She is now on antibiotics b/c an ear infection has developed and possibly a sinus infection.  And I have to go back to work tomorrow.  At least she'll be with my parents.  I have another few days before I will start worrying about her being at daycare.  My poor baby.  I was so scared.  Her face was all swollen and her eyes were just so watery, and her nose runny.  Her face looked like she had been dipped in a pool of clear snot....just to give you an idea...just so thick and slimy.  It's 7:11 now...hopefully she is down for the night.  I still have to write up my plans for the week and get into bed early.  I feel like I'm coming down with something - it's most likely from all of the sleep deprivation this week, but she breathes on me and touches my face with her goober hands.  I guess this is the welcome to her second year...her thirteenth month.  I liked the first year better so far!

S is really sick!!!

Thursday, Friday, and now Saturday have been really awful days.  Scarlett woke up Thursday morning with a fever of 100.4.  I thought it was the reaction - one week later - to the MMR vaccine.  But by the afternoon her fever had climbed and she had a cold.  On Friday the cold got worse and so did the fever.  It was at 102.2 and hard to bring down.  Today, Saturday, the fever remained, the cold got worse and now, Saturday night, Scarlett's eyes are gucky and teary.  We've already been to the doctor on Friday and Saturday...now I have to take her Sunday too b/c of her eyes?

I AM SUPPOSED TO START WORK IN ONE MORE DAY!!!  Putting off daycare is fine, but I can't just not show up on the first day of school....there are no routines in place for me to leave instructions for a supply teacher.  But my parents definitely don't want to look after Scarlett when she is this sick...and I don't want to leave her when she is this bad.

I'm exhausted....I haven't had a good night sleep in a week...not since everything went down earlier in the week   with thoughts of me extending my leave.  And the last few nights Scarlett has woken every hour.  I really want to climb into bed but I know I have to start planning something!!!

EMOTIONS RUNNING HIGH!!!

First of all, I can't remember the last time I cried this much!  My principal was angry that I went above her head to the superintendent.  All I know is that I only thought that it was 3 days before the xmas holidays were over.  I didn't know who was going to respond to my request for extended leave b/c who works over the holidays.  And I had 3 work days until I returned to work.  I was just trying to contact anyone.  And my principal is new so her first impression of me is one that goes above her head...even though I emailed her first.

In the past few hours I went from being approved for my leave to returning to work after all.  My parents were going to try to help me out more with the transition to daycare, but I couldn't get over that gut feeling that I shouldn't be leaving Scarlett at this particular daycare.

And then, I got a call from my first choice daycare.  I call them all the time and they never have an opening.  They were going through people who applied way before I did.  And they called me today to tell me I have a spot on the day I had just caused all hell to break loose...the day I say I'm not returning to work...the day they started processing the paperwork and looking to hire another teacher in my place for another two months....and this is the day I get the call to get into my first choice daycare.

I bundled up Scarlett, picked up my mom, and we rushed over to remind ourselves of what we liked so much about this centre.  It's like going from the slums to the palace.  I immediately felt at ease and that this was where my Scarlett should be.  She seemed happy.

AND THEY SAID THAT I ALWAYS SAY GOODBYE - which is exactly what I believe in!  I can't believe they had me sneak out yesterday.  That was the worst feeling ever.

I told the daycare I had to check with my principal to make sure I still had a job and that she was going to think I was making this situation up (like Buyer's Remorse)....and my principal welcomed me back...but now I have to make a really good first impression with teaching - don't worry, I have that in the bag...I am very devoted.  I called the daycare and accepted the spot.  Scarlett will have to do orientation with my parents next week but that works out fine with me.

My eyes are killing me and I need a nap and I should be doing school preparation...or at least some house work...and I haven't even eaten lunch yet.  Oh boy.  I need to start making lists!

Thanks for all of your support.

A Hard Decision

I just emailed my principal and superintendent....I am EXTENDING MY LEAVE...if they let me.  I won't get paid any money, but I only want to extend for two months.

I do not feel that this daycare is the right fit...you're probably saying that it's just b/c it's hard to leave.  And it was hard to leave her, but I did it!  I took her to the daycare and stayed with her for about 15 minutes.  Then they had me "sneak out."....that was not something I would ever do.  I leave her with my parents every day and I ALWAYS say goodbye.  After I snuck out someone picked her up and put her in a high chair - Scarlett hates being picked up by anyone.  I heard her screaming.  The supervisor went to check on her and said she was eating and crying.

I did leave the building and came back an hour later.  She was upset.  The afternoon was off for her as well.

I had issues with the lunch.  They gave her pasta with cheese and mixed vegetables.  Sounds fine.  But that was it.  My Scarlett is used to a full meal...sandwich, vegetables, and yogurt with fruit.  Apparently if I want her to eat more than the main course I need to provide it.  WTF?  I'm paying good money for daycare.  When I brought her home today I had to give her lunch all over again.  Yes, I know she was upset and didn't want to eat, but even if she had, that wasn't enough for her.  Am I being too critical?

Anyway, I just do not get the feeling that this is the place for her.  Something in my gut.  But I've paid them a big deposit.

I haven't stopped crying all night.  My mom has encouraged me to extend my leave.  In the meantime I will look for alternate childcare, but hope that they keep my spot just in case at the current daycare.  But this also means 2 months of ZERO income.  My parents will loan me money for the mortgage if I need the help...but there goes my savings....and I'll never make back what I've lost....and how will I be able to save to stay off for another full year but with TWO kids?

But that last statement..."I'll never make back what I've lost"...but think about all that I'll gain by having two more months with my baby.  And my mom just said at that point she'll watch her for two days a week until I'm off in the summer.  So I'll only have to worry about daycare for three days a week.

I'VE ALREADY STARTED TEARING DOWN THE CLASSROOM AND SETTING IT BACK UP FOR ME....now I have to go back in and fix it...and I still haven't heard if I'm going to be granted the extended leave.  My eyes hurt from crying.

Having a hard time

I'll be honest, these past few days have been filled with a lot of tears.  I am having a very hard time with the fact that Scarlett is going to daycare.  I just don't want her whole life being disrupted.  We went on Thursday for our together visit.  B/c it's the holidays there were only 2 infants there and they were napping at the time.  Scarlett played while we talked.  It was okay.  But, on Tuesday Scarlett is supposed to be dropped off for lunch and to stay on her own for an hour.  But I know my baby.  I know that she still makes strange.  I know that if I just drop her off and walk away she will scream and scream and scream.  AND I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT TO MY BABY.  Just like I never let her cry it out at home - and that worked for us.  Scarlett is well adjusted and confident and sleeps through the night...b/c I never for a moment let her think I wasn't going to be there.  My hope is that I will call the daycare Tuesday morning and tell them that I would like to come in 30 minutes before the scheduled drop off time and spend those thirty minutes playing with her.  At least she will know that I am there and I approve of the place.  She will still get VERY upset when I leave, and really I'll just be outside the door, but at least it may give her some hope that I am coming back.  I can't even type this without getting all upset.  My fear is that my wonderful eater...and she is a wonderful eater...and sleeper is going to go on some sort of hunger strike or that this experience could change the person she is to become.  I know that many babies go to daycare and adjust fine...and I'm sure she will too, but my baby needs more adjustment.  She doesn't let people hold her...now she will if we've been visiting for a while, but she is not happy about it.  She is fine to be apart from me - I leave her with my parents on a daily basis and she's fine.  Ugh, why am I getting paid to look after other people's children?

I listen to Dr. Laura on Sirius Radio.  When I first started listening I couldn't stand her.  I didn't know why people call her and praise her when they know she is just going to be mean to them - I guess she tells it like it is, but she is very opinionated.  Dr. Laura believes that moms should raise their own babies and should not work.  She also doesn't believe in Choice Moms so I wouldn't stand a chance with her.  But the fact is, I'm starting to agree with her (not about the Choice Moms, about the raising my own baby).  I just don't want someone else with my baby.  And witnessing all of her firsts.  And not recognizing how far we've come in only 12 short months with her sign language - this daycare does not do baby sign and my baby is a signing baby with more and more signs all the time.

I wish my parents could watch her.  My mom would love to but she can't do it without my dad's help and my dad doesn't want to commit - which is his right...it's a lot of responsibility.  My mom suggested extending my leave until March and that she would pay my mortgage...but I really need to earn money and paying my mortgage wouldn't cut it or help me with the other bills.  Plus I could lose my school.  In any case, I love my job and am looking forward to going back to work.  I just wish I could set up my baby at the front of the class in a pack 'n' play or something.  She could be the class mascot.