I'll be honest, these past few days have been filled with a lot of tears. I am having a very hard time with the fact that Scarlett is going to daycare. I just don't want her whole life being disrupted. We went on Thursday for our together visit. B/c it's the holidays there were only 2 infants there and they were napping at the time. Scarlett played while we talked. It was okay. But, on Tuesday Scarlett is supposed to be dropped off for lunch and to stay on her own for an hour. But I know my baby. I know that she still makes strange. I know that if I just drop her off and walk away she will scream and scream and scream. AND I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT TO MY BABY. Just like I never let her cry it out at home - and that worked for us. Scarlett is well adjusted and confident and sleeps through the night...b/c I never for a moment let her think I wasn't going to be there. My hope is that I will call the daycare Tuesday morning and tell them that I would like to come in 30 minutes before the scheduled drop off time and spend those thirty minutes playing with her. At least she will know that I am there and I approve of the place. She will still get VERY upset when I leave, and really I'll just be outside the door, but at least it may give her some hope that I am coming back. I can't even type this without getting all upset. My fear is that my wonderful eater...and she is a wonderful eater...and sleeper is going to go on some sort of hunger strike or that this experience could change the person she is to become. I know that many babies go to daycare and adjust fine...and I'm sure she will too, but my baby needs more adjustment. She doesn't let people hold her...now she will if we've been visiting for a while, but she is not happy about it. She is fine to be apart from me - I leave her with my parents on a daily basis and she's fine. Ugh, why am I getting paid to look after other people's children?
I listen to Dr. Laura on Sirius Radio. When I first started listening I couldn't stand her. I didn't know why people call her and praise her when they know she is just going to be mean to them - I guess she tells it like it is, but she is very opinionated. Dr. Laura believes that moms should raise their own babies and should not work. She also doesn't believe in Choice Moms so I wouldn't stand a chance with her. But the fact is, I'm starting to agree with her (not about the Choice Moms, about the raising my own baby). I just don't want someone else with my baby. And witnessing all of her firsts. And not recognizing how far we've come in only 12 short months with her sign language - this daycare does not do baby sign and my baby is a signing baby with more and more signs all the time.
I wish my parents could watch her. My mom would love to but she can't do it without my dad's help and my dad doesn't want to commit - which is his right...it's a lot of responsibility. My mom suggested extending my leave until March and that she would pay my mortgage...but I really need to earn money and paying my mortgage wouldn't cut it or help me with the other bills. Plus I could lose my school. In any case, I love my job and am looking forward to going back to work. I just wish I could set up my baby at the front of the class in a pack 'n' play or something. She could be the class mascot.
I'm sorry that it's time to go back to work :( I do hear all the time that the transition is tougher for Mom than it is for the baby. I hope that she does fine and that the days fly by for you both. (and then slow down on weekends and holidays!)
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year! I know you are starting off the new year with a lot of trepidation, but I just wanted to mention a couple of things: 1) the anxiety you are experiencing is perfectly normal and to be expected and 2) it will work out just fine.
ReplyDeleteI ended up getting a nanny for the first 10 months of maternity leave because my daughter was very high-needs as a baby, and I just couldn't imagine that anyone could take care of her the way she needed to be taken care of if they were also taking care of other children. She was almost more than I could handle on my own, so I wasn't just being paranoid/overprotective. When I could no longer afford the nanny, I put my daughter in daycare at age 13 months - which was during the height of her separation anxiety (which started about 7 months and ended around 14-15 months). She really hated being more than a few feet away from me. I was nervous about how it would go, knowing that she was going to need a lot of TLC and patience. I had sleepless nights and shed a lot of tears over it all.
I will say honestly that the first few weeks of daycare were hard on both of us - very hard; as I predicted, she did need a longer time to adjust than most kids, but I also didn't have a choice, as a single mom working full-time and no longer able to afford a nanny (my parents are not in good enough health to take care of her full-time). From what I've read, a lot of kids will adjust to daycare in about 2 weeks. For my daughter it was more like a month before she stopped crying at every dropoff and even during the day.
But as hard as it was, I'm glad I stuck with it, because once she adjusted, she did very, very well. She needs a lot of stimulation to be happy, and her daycare offers her a lot more stimulation in the way of toys and playmates than home. She went from being the kid who cried all the time at home and at daycare to being a happy, well-adjusted, confident kid and who loves her daycare so much so that it's often very hard to get her to leave at the end of the day! Her daycare teacher is like a second mom to her, and she even sometimes accidentally calls out her teacher's name when she means me. And it goes both ways - she's very popular with both the teachers and the other kids there, even though she can still be quite a challenge sometimes!
I have no worries at all that those few traumatic weeks did any long-lasting or permanent damage to her psyche or to our mother-daughter relationship. I know it's hard to believe at first, but they really do adjust in time, and it will all be not just OK, but great!
Incidentally, I was pretty convinced that I would miss out on a lot of milestones, and was pretty sad about that, but actually I was the first one to see her take her first steps, and I've seen a lot of other firsts as well. But even if I hadn't been, that would have been a minor disappointment in the grand scheme of things.
This is a very, very hard transition. Trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself. It's okay to be sad. When I was going back to work, I had a little mantra. I kept telling myself, "I'm still his mommy, I'm still his mommy..." It helped. No matter how many miles away or who else was with him during the day, I was still the mommy. Don't get me wrong, I cried a lot too.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you could look into a different daycare situation? Where you are, do people watch children from their homes? I like private, in-home daycare because it's such a natural setting. Of course there are drawbacks too since you are relying on one person, not a staff.
You have done a great job with Scarlett and will continue to do so. It will take a while to adjust but you will always have each other to come home to.
Oh, I feel for you. I cried every day for the first two weeks I was back at work. Scarlett will adjust. It will be hard, but she will. And eventually you'll adjust.
ReplyDeleteIt still sucks, though.
Thinking of you.
It sucks leaving them but she will adjust, probably better than you will. It will gets somewhat easier.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your kind words. I know we will get through this. I will post again tomorrow after the trauma of our first day is over :(
ReplyDeleteOh I hope tomorrow goes better than you expect. Scarlett might surprise you & adjust better than you think. I agree with you about going in 1/2 hour early to allow Scarlett to get somewhat comfortable before you leave...I know a lot of "experts" wouldn't agree but with children like Scarlett (Elena's the same way) it's better for them I believe. You mentioned being right outside the door once you leave her. That may not be the best place to be...I only say this because if she catches a glimpse of you, it could make it harder on her than it already might be.
ReplyDeleteIt totally sucks you both have to go thru this ...I hope it goes ok.
It is so hard. Hope it went ok both for you and for Scarlett.
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