Been wanting to post all week...

...But I just can't seem to get myself to turn on the computer and sit down to type.  This has been a busy week, ending with parent-teacher interviews Thursday night and Friday until noon.  Now I'm just so much closer to the Christmas Holidays and having a real break with SR.  We had such a wonderful weekend last weekend, and I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to sit down to write about it.  In any case, I'm exhausted once again and really just want to sit down and relax for a bit but I wanted to share about my pregnancy.

First of all, Wednesday I had another beta test - if you recall I'm testing every Wednesday until ten weeks.  However, my clinic does not record beta results higher than 10000 which I obviously am.  It was very foggy out and I decided not to drive out to the W. location just to check in with my doctor as I knew I was going to see him today anyways.  It was a good decision b/c the nurse at the R. location told me he was actually out of town.  I would have been upset had I driven all the way to W. in the fog only to find out he wasn't there and I could have gone closer to work.

When the nurse called me, I was letting the students in from recess duty.  I told her that I know that the beta won't be higher than 10000, and she said, "well, you're just over 5000."  I said, "I think that needs to be rechecked.  I was almost at 9000 last week and I am definitely pregnant this time around."  Believe me, I am bursting out of my pants already and hope I can disguise this in the four weeks to come before holidays b/c I'm not revealing it at work or to my friends until after the holidays.  She then looked again and said, "Oh I'm sorry, that was your estrogen level.  You're right, the Beta shows 10000."  COME ON!!!  I MISCARRIED LAST TIME AROUND.  This is just ridiculous!!!  She was very apologetic, and today continued to apologize and explained her error.  She is always training nurses (as I've vented about before when she has been away and there is just a training nurse in her position), and the training nurse recorded my results in the opposite order that the nurse does it.  It's an honest mistake, but one that could cause someone to be very stressed or upset very quickly.

So, today was my 7 week u/s.  There was a baby and a heartbeat of 159.  I'm thrilled.  My mom came with and they let her in for the entire u/s, which is not usually the case.  I will go again two weeks today to have a 9 week u/s.  I have also made a doctor's appointment for next Sunday to see my GP so he can put in the referral to my OB for week 12.  I haven't seen my GP since March so he doesn't know that I've m/c or anything...in fact, he may not even know me :)

Otherwise, SR is turning 23 months next week!  She continues to astound me with her knowledge of the English language.  People are always surprised when I say she isn't even 2 yet.  We were at the pediatrician today (as we visit him every week or two) and I had SR tell him that she'll see him for her birthday check-up.  He asked, "how old is SR turning?"  When I reminded him she'll be 2, he made a comment about how wonderful her vocabulary and sentence structure is.  I'm surprised he didn't recognize how old she is...he doesn't need to check her charts to see that she is MUCH smaller than a 3 year old, and bigger than a one year old.  In any case, it's always nice to hear compliments.

But, this week, I was on the receiving end of feedback of my child - I'm always the one giving parents the feedback.  SR IS PUSHING OTHER KIDS!  I'm not sure why.  We did role playing and talking about "no pushing."  She knows to say "sorry" when she pushes and to make nice, but there seems to be one girl she WANTS to push around.  I'm not sure why.  So she'll say, "no pushing....push N."  Hopefully it's just a toddler stage.  But I've never seen her push at programs or on playdates.  I just want to make sure, as she grows up, that she does not become a "mean girl."  LOL, she's not even two!  What am I in for with her???

6 week update

This week has been crazy busy.  I have been dealing with a sinus issue that I obviously do not want to treat - I have been using saline nasal spray which has been helping enough.  I had used the Neti-Pot during my previous pregnancy and that was awful so this is bearable.

On Wednesday, 5 weeks 6 days, I had my weekly beta test.  It came back at 8788.  Now I use the beta calculators to see my doubling time from last week.  It says that normal doubling times between 1700 to 6000 is 72-96 hours and after 6000 normal doubling time is 96+ hours.  Mine is registering at a 70.5 hours.  So again, this embryo is really doing well.  Still I don't want to get my hopes up, just in case.  I mentioned to my RE about the brown spotting last Friday and he did a check and said my cervix is closed and everything looks good.  By this time next week I will have had my 7 week u/s and hopefully seen a heartbeat!

I just want to write that after weeks and weeks of crying and feeling despair, things turned in my favour today.  I have been spending hours speaking with my representation and today in one of my meetings, I found my strength and my voice and my power.  I could not believe the words coming out of my mouth as I no longer felt fear.  Today I was successful!  Today I felt that I was the one in control and that I had taken my power back.  I was no longer a subordinate to my situation.  That's all I can say.  But I did relay my entire meeting to my representation via email and I am waiting for his congratulatory, I'm so proud of you, follow up email or phone call this weekend.

Last night...

Last night I sat on my couch with my heart racing and tightness in my chest.  I was definitely having some sort of anxiety/panic attack.  I tell you now that I have woken up, it is still there.  It stemmed from the fact that I had my work email linked to my phone....that has now been disabled.  I was "waiting" for my principal to send me feedback to my report cards.  Why would this make me nervous?  I think in my twelve years of teaching I have had only a handful of small corrections to make.  This year is different in that it is a "political protest" to do minimal comments.  Also I'm dealing with an ongoing issue that has not/will not be resolved and I think I'm worried about how those particular comments will be taken.

But how safe is it to feel this much anxiety in the first trimester?  How have I changed from a job I loved - one where I didn't know how I would go on maternity leave b/c "I am a teacher and what will I do?"  How is it that I think the only reprieve I will have is to leave my position temporarily?

And who has time to go to the family doctor to get a stress note?  My family doctor has only met me a half-dozen times.  The first time I met him was when I asked for a referral so I could have SR.  I met him again when I was pregnant with her.  Then when I went back to him for a referral to try for two.  There may have been a couple of more times.  I'm supposed to say, "Hi, remember me?  I'm pregnant and want to go on stress leave at work until the first trimester is over after Christmas break."  My mom suggested I ask my RE for a letter on Wednesday when I pop in to see him...or at least ask if that is something he would do if it came down to that.  He's not my family doctor, but he may as well be at this point, I see him so often and he knows I'm pregnant and that I m/c this past summer.

Getting through every day is like torture.  The kids are okay....they are kids...it's a different dynamic, but they are kids.  But it's some sort of anxiety I have built up about my administration not supporting me that is causing this.  I need to find some way to cope.  But will running away solve these problems?  I'll just go back to stress having to write report cards for subjects I wasn't present for.  But I'll be farther along in this pregnancy.  I don't see how my womb is hospitable right now...and I want it to be a warm and welcoming environment.  I'm not much for decorations and being pretty, but I'd sure like to think my womb is warm and cozy and safe.

Sinus infection maybe?

The hardest part of being a choice mom is while sick. Actually in normal times I would take a Tylenol cold and sinus and ward off infection and function normally. I can't do that nowm and my head is in agony. I can't even get us out the door to do grocery shopping. Feel like the worst mom ever with the tv running all day. And I don't want to complain at all about being pregnant. I just feel like I can't give SR everything and I hope so much this doesn't turn into a sinus infection bc I don't want to have to take antibiotics now. Sorry this is run on. On phone and hate typing this way.

SR's cold

Today I feel LOUSY!  SR gave me her cold, and obviously I can't take anything for it.  I did manage to finish my report cards just now while she was napping - even though I desperately wanted a nap too - and am still able to blog for a few minutes before she wakes up.

Yesterday I had some brown discharge and cramping.  I remember having the same when I was pregnant with SR and the RE gave me a 6wk u/s and a 7 wk u/s.  I am hoping he will grant me a 6 wk u/s this coming Friday too, although the bleeding/discharge went away by today.

This pregnancy definitely feels more real than the one where I m/c.  I am nauseas quite often, although I have never in my life thrown up, so hopefully this pregnancy will be the same.  Plus I'm absolutely exhausted.

As for work....I just need to get through one day/week/month at a time and know that if this pregnancy goes through I don't need to be there for an entire school year.  It hurts to think that I would have been starting mat leave this school year if I hadn't have m/c and gotten away from these issues, but it wasn't meant to be.

Also, I was the ONLY  teacher to do a performance with my challenging class for Remembrance Day - I somehow got them to put on a wonderful performance....and I was under appreciated, of course.  The parents who attended were pleased and thanked me personally.

I'm also now in the conflict of whether or not to have a 2nd Birthday Party for SR.  On one hand, she's only turning 2.  She will have a mini-party at school with her peers.  But on the other hand, it's really just me and my parents to celebrate with her.  It will also be a lot of money to have a party - to rent any space, or my party room like last year costs...plus food and entertainment.  The party room is $200.  Plus I was thinking SRs gymnastics teacher which is about $200 also.  Plus food - although I could do a 10 - 12 party and serve bagels and cream cheese and chips.  Really, how much food do I need for toddlers and their parents.  Plus, if it's a true toddler party, then I really want to limit it to just toddlers - and I think there is an extra cost per child after a certain amount of children.  But do I need to spend all of this money on a 2 year old?  I could put all of this money into some nice gifts for her and just spend the time together.  Really, we only need a picture of her and me blowing out a candle and sing happy birthday, right?

Posting from cell phone

Typing on my cell so this will be brief. I hate my job this year. I hate that after twelve flawless years everything I do or don't do is being questioned. I can't get into detail obviously. But I was absent yesterday and still started getting questions through email starting at 6am and I had to justify myself. I wasn't even at school yesterday. Crying in the car and crying when I get to school is not me. I am the teacher who loves what I do. Who comes up with new ideas all the time to keep kids energized. Not this year. This year I'm defeated. I just want to stay home w SR. And it's only November.

Waiting for the phone to ring

I hate waiting for beta results!!!  Home from work today (what a relief!!!) with SR who is still not feeling well.  We had a packed morning - clinic at 7:20, home for breakfast, over to a different clinic for my suppositories, which I forgot to pick up this morning, and then over to the pediatrician, walked over to the Early Years Centre from the pediatrician for circle/play time, and then home for lunch.

It's 2:45 and my phone just rang with my beta.  Up from 631 to 1700 in 48 hours.  My RE suggested I repeat the beta every week until I'm ten weeks just to monitor based on my previous m/c.  I also booked my 7 week u/s for the 23rd.  This is perfect timing as I have parent/teacher interviews in the morning, and then I don't need to book the time off work as it is my own time in the afternoon.  At least I have two betas to get me through until the u/s.  This feels so much better than last cycle....phew.

And I think for my mental health and to try to keep this pregnancy safe, I need to really start thinking about taking a day or half day off every other week.  Bad timing since they deleted our banked sick days and reduced our days from 20 to 10 (I had over 100 in my bank), but I need to take care of myself now, and my work isn't concerned about me!

Beta #4 and more incompetence

This will be a quick post - I'm exhausted and I want to sit down in 30 minutes to watch the finale of Over The Rainbow to pick the Dorothy for the Toronto version of Wizard of Oz.

I went for my Beta #4 today.  By 3:00 I still hadn't heard my results and I knew it was another nurse-in-training working today.  Luckily I have the direct extension to the nurse.  She told me she hadn't spoken to the doctor yet and was running behind schedule.  But since she had me on the phone she would tell me my results but call me again later with further instructions.

On Saturday at 11:30 am, my results were 260.  Less than 48 hours later, 8:00 am today, my results were 631.  Here's to a really sticky little 2AB.  Hold on tight little 2AB.  I know the numbers look good.  But I also know that anything could happen in this first trimester - I'm not even at 5 weeks yet and won't be until Thursday - so there is still a long way to go.

Well, the nurse NEVER called me back.  I told her that I knew the Dr. wanted to see me Wednesday for another beta and a pelvic exam....she didn't want to talk about that b/c she reminded me that she had never shared this information.

So, now I have no idea what to do on Wednesday, and chances are by the time I phone them I won't get a time I can do for Wednesday in the W. location and I'll have to give up my weekend time with SR.

In SR news, she was sick all weekend.  Took her to the pediatrician Sunday morning and he said if she didn't have a fever today I could take her to school.  So even though my parents offered to watch her, I sent her to school for the day.  It's just a cold now.

Okay I have 30 minutes to work on report cards (if I can keep my eyes open that long) and then the show starts.  Chances are I'll just read blogs until the show.

Beta #3

Before I share my latest Beta, I wanted to write about SR.  She woke up with a fever this morning.  Does it make me a bad mother that I gave her tylenol and took her to her monkeynastix class?  She loves it.  She woke up this morning saying "Today is monkeynastix!" So I thought, it's only a 30 minute class.  I'm glad I took her.  She was a little lethargic but enjoyed herself.

After the class, I brought her to my parents' for my mom to babysit so I could drive out to M. for my Beta #3.  My mom was a little concerned b/c she can't lift SR anymore and wouldn't be able to put her into the crib if she was tired, or into the high chair if she needed lunch.  I quickly thought of bringing a lawn chair mat upstairs from the basement and putting blankets on it.

When I returned from my appointment, this is what greeted me on the Family Room floor:

I guess she didn't want the blanket under her too, as the blue one was to be like a sheet.  She napped there for an hour and a half, and then again in the afternoon.

Sorry for keeping you all in suspense.  My previous Beta was 90.38.  My new beta, 48 hours later is 260!!! It almost tripled!  So even though I am not out of the woods, I feel that this pregnancy has a good chance of sticking it out :)  In the meantime, I can't remember feeling this exhausted when I was pregnant with SR right at the beginning.  I am exhausted from about an hour after waking up, and then off and on throughout each day.

That's my update!  Hoping SR feels better tomorrow!

Halloween and 10DPT

Yesterday was Halloween and I didn't get my chance to post photos of my little witch.  SR had a full day of Halloween being in costume at school all day.  In the evening I took her down to the lobby of the condo and she got treats from the concierge   There is no door to door trick or treating in the building.  It all worked out okay.  It was raining out and SR has a constant cold, so I think she had enough of the experience.

In other news - today was my OFFICIAL beta.  It tripled in 48 hours - up from 30.60 to 90.38.  At this point I can breathe a sigh of relief, but it's so early in the game at this point.  Nothing is for sure.  At work I struggle with exhaustion most of the day.  I really wanted an early night, but my SR wouldn't go down - Let's play, Mommy.  Let's watch music on TV, Mommy.  Finally SR and her Kaiya and her blankie are tucked in.  Hopefully for the night.  Another night that I didn't get anything done...and reports are due in a week.  Oh well!