Beta #10

I really wanted to write a post yesterday when Scarlett turned 18 months.  But I didn't get home until late from my staff party (late being 7:30) and then I was just exhausted!  School is now out for the summer so hopefully in the next couple of days I will be able to talk about my baby at 18 months.

In the meantime, she is still so sick.  This latest cold that started last weekend is still going strong.  Now she has a cough too, and she has never screamed like she's been screaming today.  I'm not sure if it's ear pain or if her teeth are bothering her.  Her doctor is working Sunday morning, no appointment needed, so if things haven't improved tomorrow we will be going back to the pediatrician again...she was there on Wednesday this week already!

Moving on to me:  I had my final beta today.  My results were 1335.  I was hoping for at least 1400 but my RE was thrilled - looking online it says that after 1200 the doubling times lengthen to up to 96 hours and I still have a doubling time of 59 hours (I think that's what the calculator said).

My 7 week ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday afternoon.  That's one week from today!  So much waiting with no betas in between to reassure me.  Scarlett also has her 18 month check up on Friday so it will be another week with several visits to the pediatrician!  He is her third best friend behind me and my mom...isn't that sad?

So, school's out for summer!  I'm going to throw my laundry in the dryer and prepare some breakfast for tomorrow and climb into bed....I'm exhausted!

So sleep deprived!!!

Last night was a very long night with Scarlett....she just can't seem to fight off these colds/viruses.  Two more days of daycare (although today she was with my parents) and then I'm pulling her out for the whole summer.    She didn't even go down until around 10pm last night.  I was practically a walking zombie.  And then she was up again from 2:30 to 3:30.  Honestly, I don't mind and I love spending time with her any time of night.  But I'm just so exhausted - finishing school and coming off of being so sleep deprived from mourning my embryo that is going strong and now being exhausted from being in the first trimester....I'm blogging and crashing.  My place is a mess but I have two days of work and then I can clean up!

I went to the W. clinic today.  I was so disappointed to find out that my favourite nurse has moved onto other things.  I wish I could track her down since she was so wonderful during the conception of Scarlett and  I have missed dealing with her through this transfer.  I arrived at the clinic and asked if she was available b/c I wanted to get caught up with her.  I was just so sad to hear she's gone.

I had my pelvic exam and the doctor said it seems like a perfectly viable pregnancy and not ectopic!!!  Woohoo!

He had me do another beta even though it's only been 24 hours.  The results came back at 762 and according to the HCG calculator that's doubling time of 44 hours.  My final HCG test is on Friday and then I will book my u/s.

Officially I am 6 weeks tomorrow, but my results are acting a week behind so I guess technically I'm only 5 weeks.  That's okay with me.  Slow and steady wins the race.

I'm going to crash.  Staff party tomorrow night

I'm just stunned still at the turn of events....hoping this stays positive!

My next beta results...

I will continue to say it...the blogging community is amazing.  It's so nice to know that you are out there following my journey and thinking warm thoughts for me even though you don't know me in real life.

I'll get right to it today and not write a drawn out post.

My betas went up from 267 to 525.5 in 46 hours.  When I put these stats into the beta calculator it gave me a doubling time of 47 hours so it looks like this little embryo is holding on.  I can't believe it.

Tomorrow is my pelvic exam and I'm thinking he will tell me to book an ultrasound for two weeks from now.  I'll keep you posted.

I have a sick and whining baby calling from her crib!

And the numbers are in...

Today the clinic was crazy - the RE had been away for a week so it seemed everyone was lined up to see him.  I got in immediately for my b/w but then had to wait for 30 minutes to see him.  Scarlett was great at the b/w but by the time I got in to see him she was all over the place.  Needless to say, we had a standing up conversation with me having one eye out the door.

I don't think the RE really knew my results off the top of his head and he didn't pull them up on his computer.  I mentioned what a whirlwind week it was and asked him if this could become a real pregnancy with a healthy baby.  He said it could, but that it could also be ectopic due to the rise and fall of my numbers.

I don't think he realized, I didn't have a rise and fall and my numbers weren't gradually increasing at any point like an ectopic...but I'm not a doctor, so what do I really know?

In any case, I guess you're all waiting to hear what the numbers were...

They were 113 on Friday.

Today they were 267.  That's right, they more than doubled!  When the nurse called me I was ecstatic!  I told her she probably didn't have my chart in front of her but that my numbers went from:

54 to 89 to 88 to 76 to 68 and then back up to 113 and now 267.

She didn't want me to get too optimistic just yet as there is still a ways to go.  I do understand that.  But I also fully believe I am pregnant.

The nurse said to go and see the RE on Wednesday.  I told her I also booked a Beta test for Tuesday.  She told me that I didn't need to and could wait until Wednesday.  I said that it would give me peace of mind and then when I arrived on Wednesday the RE and I could discuss the results.  What does she think?  I'm going through all of this but I'm not going to test again in 48 hours?  WTF???

Yes, I know this is unbelievable...I guess stranger things have happened....imagine if I stopped the meds?  This could still go horribly wrong.  It could be an ectopic pregnancy, but I think my levels would have been consistently going higher very gradually, not dropping steadily.

In any case, I have a long way to go.  I am still only at 267 and by Tuesday I should be around 540...and inside this little Embryo is saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Thank you all again for your amazing support.  It has really kept me strong throughout what I thought was to be a loss and then now with the potential chance for a baby.

Pre-blood test post

Honestly, I believe my numbers have doubled.  I can't believe it was this day last week that I felt myself completely dissolve.  The sorrow and the loss that I felt that has completely turned around into hope.

My breasts seem to be coming back to life (from the flat saggy mess that they became)....they are a little sore.  I have nausea.  I have pain in my abdomen when I wake from sleeping.

I'm not sure what will become of me today if my numbers don't double...but for now I'm feeling this is The Little Embryo That Could.

I'm going to work on my video yearbook for my students until Scarlett wakes up and then we'll have breakfast and head up to the clinic.  Then back home for the waiting game for several hours.

Today could really make it or break it.  If this is a viable pregnancy, kudos to my doctor who didn't let me stop my meds with falling HCGs that never reached 100 before falling.  What kind of gift do you give someone for saving you from a miscarriage?  I know, premature!!!

Oh My Gosh...ROLLERCOASTER!!!

I have to tell you about my day - the range of emotions I have gone through in one day is pretty unbelievable!!!

When I woke up this morning there was a tiny tinge of pink (blood?).  I thought it was the beginning of a m/c.   Although it looked exactly like my implantation bleeding I had over a week ago!

I dropped Scarlett at daycare and went for my 8am blood test.  Most of the locations for my clinic you just walk in for a beta and walk out.  At this location in R. you have to have a scheduled appointment.  Mine was for 8am.  I sat and waited my turn but was getting very frustrated because 4 people who arrived after me got taken in.  I had an 8:45am duty to watch the students outside before school.  I texted a friend in case she needed to cover for me.  I asked the receptionist why people were going in ahead of me and she said they get called by appointment time.  WTF???  Any other location I would get called in immediately.  It was one stupid prick....I didn't need to have a discussion or have an u/s.

When the nurse finally called me in, I asked her a few questions.  I told her I had the tinge of pink and she said it was probably the m/c starting due to the falling betas.  I was to stay on my meds until she called me.  I asked if they would give me a prescription for something like naproxen if the pain was bad and she said that I would have to go to my GP for that....WTF?  

I made it to school at 8:42 and was outside for the 8:45 duty.  I was feeling crummy and angry and nervous all at once.  

I also still hadn't heard from my principal about meeting with me.

The day went on and I was increasingly more emotional.  Aside from the pending m/c my mom was bugging me about checking out another daycare for Scarlett - a whole other story.

By 2:30 I still hadn't heard from my nurse...have you noticed a trend with her yet.  She never calls when she should.  Last pregnancy I was at the W. location and they were so great there...I usually had all of my results by 1:30 each day.  I think this one forgets to call me...or she's just not sympathetic to women going through all of this.

I called the nurse and left a message saying that I really wanted to know my results....she did this the first beta too!  I called my home and there was no message.  I was FUMING...Now I had to wait until tomorrow to call the M. location to speak to someone there.  And still carry on with my meds and hold off from progressing from what could be a very emotional and painful few days.

I left school without speaking with my principal.  I figured I wasn't high on her priority list even though my email said that it was important that I speak with her confidentially.  I picked up Scarlett and went to my parents' house.  We went for a walk and then got Scarlett settled for dinner.  I decided to check my house phone one more time.

THE NURSE HAD CALLED....about fifteen minutes after I checked my phone and 30 minutes after the clinic had already closed.  

MY NUMBERS WENT UP!!!!!  They went from 68 to 113....Oh My Gosh!!!!

I'm not sure what to make of this.  I read so many stories about misdiagnosed miscarriages.  One of them resonated so closely with me but I thought it was impossible.  The girl said she had HCG of 30 and it basically stayed that low for a week and then started rising.  Well, it's been a week since my 10dp5dt beta....so, is this my body playing tricks on me, or could this become a viable pregnancy after all?  

I go in again on Sunday for a repeat beta.  Could the pink tinge have been new implantation bleeding?  Could the embryo have separated into two and one is a vanishing twin?  Could it have tried to implant and not been successful and then tried again?  I can't even believe it....the range of emotions....I'm shocked...stunned....OMGosh!  My nausea is real after all!

trying to follow people

Is anyone else having a really hard time "following" people on blogspot?  It used to be that we just hit the "follow" button.  Now I can't follow so many people who I want to....what am I doing wrong?  I just want them on my dashboard.  Please help!!!!

I'm really okay!

 I thought I'd start out with a cute picture of Scarlett....she always makes me smile, so I thought she would make you smile also :)

Thank you all for such encouraging words.  I have said it before, and I'll say it again - it's so nice to know that there are people out there in cyberspace who care what I am going through.

I had another beta this morning.  I felt symptoms all day.  The numbers came back even lower - 68 - dropping from 76.

I am still on meds.  My RE is out of town and the nurse has to wait for confirmation from him.  I told her that I want to gradually stop the estrogen - I don't see how I can stop it cold turkey as it is almost like a mood enhancer for me.  Darn, now I have to go back to washing my hair every day ;)  She didn't think that would be a problem.

I was reading online about how long a m/c can take to start after stopping the meds.  Most women say after stopping progesterone it was only 2-3 days.

I'm happy that I got pregnant on my first try with Scarlett and again with my first try now with only one embryo this time.  This embryo was originally frozen, thawed when I was transferring for Scarlett, refrozen, rethawed for this transfer.  Honestly, that's one of the things I wonder about.  How much can these little embryos go through.  I have five embryos left - 4 of them look good according to the embryologist.  But who knows if they will survive the thaw?  I have 3 vials of sperm if I want to go through the ER all over again.  But I'm hoping one of these embryos will work.  My point above though, which I got sidetracked, was that I can get pregnant.  I did it twice in a row.  I'm hoping that my numbers get down to zero quickly.  The nurse told me that as soon as my numbers are zero the RE will start the prevara....but could he do that immediately following a m/c?  Isn't that a lot of blood to lose in a short amount of time?  And I'm worried about the vertigo that could happen during the m/c.

I'm okay today - I've shed so many tears.  I think I will shed more when it actually happens.  But today I'm okay.  I came home to my beautiful girl who makes everyone smile.  We ate dinner together and played and read books.

I just emailed my principal to set up a meeting with her.  I know it's premature but I'm worried b/c this is the last week of school.  School ends a week tomorrow.  There is a very strong possibility I will be absent or just not feeling well at school.  I have already told staff members I may not be at the end of year parties due to babysitting - not sure if I will have my parents available.  This is my cover in case I'm not feeling well.  I just think it's important for my principal to know why I could potentially not be at school the last week or just not feeling well and that I need it covered up w/out other staff knowing.  And knowing me, I'll cry!

making myself crazy

Went online tonight to read about misdiagnosed miscarriages....just to make myself crazy.  It turns out my RE is not in the wrong for having me stay on my meds.  It is very possible to have such low betas, even dropping betas, and still go on to have healthy pregnancies.  Realistically, I know that the odds are slim.  I'm feeling less pregnant than before....but who knows?

One woman wrote that her betas were super low and unchanging for a week - well, tomorrow is my week.  Tomorrow will be my test about if it really is over or if the levels are actually going to go back up.  If it's over, it's over.  But imagine if this little embryo fights to nestle into my uterus?

I know some of you are thinking that I'm just putting myself onto a new roller coaster, but if I'm going down anyway, might as well feel okay the night before I go down.

So, thinking positively as I get ready for bed already way past my bedtime.  I usually get the results by about 3 pm.

So sad!!!

I woke up this morning with an incredible feeling of sadness.  I'm sad for the loss of this little embryo that never got the chance to develop into my little boy or girl and join our wonderful family.  I'm sad b/c I let myself get hopeful and excited and I'm crashing really hard.  And I know women go through this all of the time, and it's a very common thing.  And I guess I'm grateful that I'm going through this now, and not after I had seen the baby on an u/s, or after I had felt the first kick.  I know it could be so much worse.  But that doesn't make my pain any less real.  And it's so hard b/c so very few people know that I was T42 and I don't want people to find out this way.

I'm angry b/c I'm living a facade - taking the medications and keeping the m/c from actually starting.  My temperature dropped significantly this morning.  I know it's over.  Why in the world do I have to keep taking the medications?  I have to wait until tomorrow - and I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor at the W. location.

And I wonder (as I will always) what went wrong with this embryo that was giving me such strong feelings as it implanted in my womb.  Am I too skinny?  Does that have a factor???  Believe me, I'm trying to eat more to sustain life.  Is it my newly found out tilted uterus (that didn't have a problem carrying Scarlett)?  Did I strain too much by carrying Scarlett around and lifting her stroller in and out of the car?  Was it the fact that this embryo was already thawed and refrozen once before and had to be thawed again?

I guess my exciting position at school next year will be a full year exciting position.  If I do get pregnant on my next try (which is possible, since technically I did get pregnant on this try) I would be due at the end of the school year - so I have a full year of school to get ready for.

In the meantime, I just want to be given a little bit of dignity here and let me move forward.  I'm sad now, but I know that I'll feel more grief when I am actually allowed to m/c.  And then the waiting game - for the numbers to go down to zero, and bringing on another period, and doing a fake cycle.  Does the m/c count as day one?  I doubt it.  I'm not sure how my case will work if I don't get a period.

I just called the W. clinic - the doctor isn't in tomorrow.  He's away.  I may as well go to R.H. and just wait for instructions from them.  Today is going to be a much harder day than yesterday.  I think getting the false hope from the nurse in the morning kept me going.  But today I'm very very very very sad!

And starting the day with tears is not going to help get me through today at work.

And I don't want this to be taken as though I'm not grateful for my lovely Scarlett...She is my entire world.  I am so in awe of my little baby.  I just wanted her to have a bigger family.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today - but like Scarlett O'Hara, I should think of this tomorrow :)  Live up to the words of my baby's namesake.

Update...

I'm so thankful that I not only have this blog as an outlet, but that I have so many supporters who can help me through this awful time.

To say that yesterday was awful would be an understatement.  Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, more tears would come.  I was exhausted but couldn't sleep.  I think I got 2 hours total.  To top it off, I had to get up this morning, take my sick baby to my parents' house, and then go to have a beta before going to work all day and try to disguise my puffy red eyes.

The nurse at the clinic today didn't want to get my hopes up but....

She starts telling me about a patient from about a month ago.  Her numbers were not climbing for several days...they plateaued very low.  Now she's happily in her 9th week of pregnancy.  Now, 9 weeks isn't far along, but it did help get me through my day.

Also, I think I had my grieving day yesterday.  Other than being exhausted, I feel much more equipped to handle this loss and move forward with my T42 journey.

The problem is, they won't let me stop the meds.

My betas dropped today to 72.  They want me to stay on all of the estrogen and progesterone and keep waiting to see what will happen.  Why are they dragging out the inevitable?  If a baby were to develop now it would definitely be a miracle and I would probably change my entire belief system (to being someone who actually believes).

The nurse told me that once I stop the meds, I would miscarry within a week - that would be my last week of work.  The week I would need to be cleaning my classroom and getting prepared for next year.  I don't know if I could be at work and miscarry.  Plus, remember how bad my vertigo was on this past period?  I can't even begin to imagine the dizziness I may feel from the m/c.

Once my numbers drop I need to go through two cycles...but does the m/c count as a cycle?  The waiting is on and on and on.

But I came home to the best gift ever.  I walked into my parents house and Scarlett saw me and called out "MOMMY!!!" with a huge grin on her face.  That's all that matters right now....hopefully my second baby will come, but for now, I'm sorry I missed a day with Scarlett yesterday being so distraught.  At the same time, I know I needed to cry it out all day to be able to pick up and carry on.

Hitting me VERY hard :(

This is not a happy post, I won't try to sugar coat this at all.

I started my day feeling so positive.  My BBT is still super high and I've been feeling nauseas and tingling boobs.

I took Scarlett with me to the clinic this morning...she looked adorable...she was wearing this outfit, but this picture is from last week:

She was adorable as always, she kept wanting to "walk walk" and every time she would fall she would say "stand up" and help herself up and say "I did it" while throwing her hands above her head (hooray).  I felt badly b/c of the women waiting to go through their own fertility roller coaster, but everyone seemed very entertained by her.

My RE told me that he felt very optimistic b/c my numbers from Friday weren't actually 89, but 92....apparently they went to a different lab and the results were higher.

I went home feeling very nauseas and got Scarlett down for a nap and I took a nap as well - she keeps me up every night with her ear pain and now she has another fever and a new cold.  This will never end!

The clinic called during my nap...I immediately asked if my numbers doubled and the nurse said "no, I'm sorry"....I was stunned....they not only didn't double, they pretty much stayed the same as the original numbers on Friday - 88.

Obviously this isn't a good sign....48 hours and nothing at all?  So these symptoms are fabrications in my mind I guess - which we know happens all the time.

Since the call I haven't stopped crying.  Poor Scarlett, I ruined her afternoon.  When she woke up from her nap, shortly after I got the call, I just hugged her and was sobbing....I think she thought the shaking or vibrations from my crying was funny...she kept saying "again, again."

I couldn't get myself together all day - I would get myself ready to do something and the tears would start.  I think I'm taking this harder than if it was never positive to begin with.  I had my hopes up...I'm on high doses of meds...I'm severely sleep deprived from Scarlett waking up constantly.

I have to go back tomorrow for another blood test - I hope they tell me when and how to stop the meds - I don't want to stop the estrogen cold turkey - worried about how that could go.  I won't miss the fasting.  But now, I'll have to wait to get down to zero again, and then wait for another full fake cycle and then start again...all the waiting all over again...

And don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for my lovely Scarlett....I would be so happy if it was just the two of us....but I could already picture the three of us....and what a family we would be....so I'm grieving the thought of the loss before the loss has even happened.

My place is a mess, I have so much work to do, and I'm so glad report cards are done.

I don't know if I'll have to miss work when the m/c starts so I think I have to spend tomorrow preparing to be away.

Also, no one knows that I've even been TTC.  I think I will tell my principal if I end up having to be away.  A girl at work was away for an early m/c at school and everyone knew...I don't want anyone knowing.  But some people say they can be at work though it...but are they teachers, constantly walking around and cleaning up to end the school year?

I'll post again when I have tomorrow's information.

Grocery shopping

Okay, if my betas didn't double by tomorrow I will be VERY surprised.  Although I was feeling a little a lot nervous and worried this morning, a quick trip with Scarlett to the grocery store showed me that things are right on track.  I started feeling nauseas as I walked through the produce aisles....the same thing that happened with my first pregnancy.  My body is saying I'm pregnant...I don't think my body would lie to me....:)

Obsessing Much???

I keep wondering if I'm still feeling symptoms...like, where did my side cramps go?  And why was I not really nauseas this morning?  I know it's still super early and I shouldn't even have so many symptoms.  And my breasts are actually starting to fill out.  And on Thursday (although that was before my second beta) my sense of smell was really heightened.

I know that what is going to be will be.  But I'm just hoping that this little emby settles into my uterus for a nice long time....I hope I'm making a nice home for it (with all of the meds that I'm on).

Getting to tomorrow's beta and then waiting for the results is TORTURE!

New beta results

First of all, thank you to everyone for such warm wishes...it's really so nice to have such a supportive blogging community...I wish we could all get together...but in the meantime, it's nice to know that you have my cyber-back :)

I had to go back to the clinic after work today to see the doctor to get my results.  He said to me that today should have been my official first beta and that the first one was just preliminary, as I was only 8dp5dt and he usually tests at 10dp5dt.

My levels didn't double....they went from approx 55 to approx 89.  They should have gone to 110 ish.  He told me not to worry.  I took the test less than 48 hours apart (I think it was 47, so really wasn't much different).  I also read online that it should double every 48-72 hours....when I calculated my doubling time it was 67 hours...so I'm getting close to the 72 hour mark.

The RE asked if I'm having pregnancy symptoms and I told him I was and they were very similar to my first pregnancy.  He told me that was good and that things were fine.

I am to go on Sunday morning for my next beta and to pop in to see him before I leave.

I don't want to get nervous about this...I'm feeling pretty stressed and exhausted right now and that's intensifying things I think.  My report cards are due today (and today is almost over) and I still have so much to do.  My place is in shambles from working on reports all week and being up late with Scarlett every night.   I committed to making an iMovie of students in the school saying goodbye to a retiring teacher for an assembly on Thursday...And now I have worries that my little emby might not want to hang out with me and Scarlett any more.

I know it's out of my hands and there is nothing I can do....I'm going to try to finish my report cards tonight...that's my only goal...I'll tackle everything else later.

Longest Wait EVER!!!!

I had my blood test this morning before taking Scarlett to the pediatrician.  We arrived about thirty minutes early for the doctor, so I took Scarlett into the nearby Early Years Centre for her to play for a bit in the toddler program.  I was so glad we at least got to do an activity together while we were both off today.

My nurse told me she would call me around 1:30 with my results.  I got through my morning fairly easy.  It was super busy between Scarlett's play group session, the doctor, making her lunch and working on report cards.  But while I was working on reports I started noticing the clock.  It was 1:30, then 1:40, 1:45, 2:00, by 2:35 there was still no call and I knew the office was closing soon.  I phoned my nurse and left a message.  There was no reply.

I was ANGRY....I was mad that I didn't just POAS this morning and had to sit around waiting all day for a phone call to tell me what I thought I already knew.  At 3:00 I started calling the clinics, but they all had the same machine message saying they were closed until tomorrow at 7am.  There was no option to leave a message for a nurse.  I tried random extensions trying to reach my other nurse at the W. location.  Finally, around 3:30 I remembered her extension and left a message just saying my name and that I had a Beta test today and I wasn't called with the results.  I was hoping she would call me in the morning to give me the results.  The clinic I went to today isn't open on Thursdays so that was making me even angrier.

At 3:45 my phone rang and it was the W. location - I thought it was my other nurse calling, but it was the nurse from the R. location calling.  I asked her why she was calling me from W.  She explained she was there for a meeting and she was so sorry for getting back to me so late.  Her meeting went on very long.  I think my W. nurse got the message and told the R. nurse to phone me.  It was more than 2 hours after she had said she would phone.

Ladies out there, how would you feel waiting for a Beta that long?  Don't I pay good money for all of these services?  LOL.

She confirmed my suspicions were CORRECT!  I'm pregnant.

BFP!!!!  Can you imagine if I changed my mind at the last minute and transferred two again?

My 8dpt beta number is 54.5.  It seems low, but it's really early.  I test again on Friday and hope that my numbers double.

I just looked at a calendar and tried to pin point a due date - approximately, of course as I don't really know when to start counting from.  But it looks like 40 weeks is a Valentine's Day Baby!  Although, Scarlett was a scheduled C early, which means baby and I could actually end up sharing a birthday in January.  Three winter birthdays!

Now to keep it a secret until almost the end of summer.  I'm not sure what I'll do about going on swimming playdates - it's a little hard to go swimming with oily progesterone suppositories leaking from your crotch :)  Sorry, was that TMI?

Time to get my report cards finished and into bed.  I'm exhausted!

Implantation Bleeding

Today I had my blood test - still waiting on the results...It will another hour and a half at least.

Woke up to implantation bleeding - later than when I transferred for Scarlett, but there!!!  That's another symptom!

Scarlett is doing much better today.  I took her to the pediatrician and he said that she could have gone to daycare today even though she had the fever last night - there is no infection.  So, since I'm off and Scarlett just went down for her nap, and I have an hour until I can eat lunch from my three hour fast, I'm going to try to get through a couple of learning skills comments.

I will blog again when the results come in!

S is sick...again!

It's 10:19...Scarlett just went down for the third time tonight.  This poor baby - another fever.  We go to the pediatrician sometimes 2 or 3 times a week.  He just saw her on Sunday and we were at the ENT on Thurs. I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow so I can get her to the doctor yet again.  I'm not sure how it will work with getting to my blood test and it's been another night of no report cards and I'm exhausted!  I'm not sure how they will be finished, especially with me taking another day off work...and it's not like I can work while I am home with her.

Not to mention, I just feel terrible for Scarlett - how is she supposed to cope with her ears this way for another month and a half?  It seems so cruel that she's got so much fluid and hearing blockage and that she has to wait so long.

I still have 6 more learning skills comments and 4 learning skills comments to work on with colleagues - so that's ten altogether, but 6 on my own.  Plus, I have to do the rest of the report card which would be easy if I could get my marking finished, and a good chunk of that marking is at school where I won't be tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day...

I'm exhausted and I have report cards to do....they are due in three days and I'm still not even close to finished.  Scarlett is down early and I hope she doesn't wake up.  I have showered, but I still have to make my lunch, dry and iron my hair.

Symptom update:
Last night before I went to bed I wasn't sure again if it was going to be positive.  This morning I woke up feeling completely sure...these head games are awful.  My temperature is high again after the dip on Sunday morning...I'm taking that as a good sign.

• I wake up each morning unable to move as there are SHARP pains in my right side.  I had that through my entire first trimester, and onwards, during my pregnancy with Scarlett.  They didn't start as early as this, but they are exactly the same.  I didn't have them before my pregnancy or after she was born so they are strictly pregnancy pains.  It is so bad that I have to breathe and relax and try to move slowly to work out the kink...so I'm taking this as a pretty positive pregnancy sign. 
• I almost burst into tears praising a student today...emotional much?
• off and on nausea 
• faint blue veins on my chest

I was thinking about POAS - I did last time, but I also had to wait 10 days for my test...so I POAS on day 8 and then went in early for my beta, day 9.  This time I'm going in on day 8 and day 10 so I decided not to spend the money on a test.  This means I have to suffer all day waiting for the doctor's office to call me.  It's possible it could be a false negative too, as it's very early, which is why my doctor told me to come in both days regardless.  I called this morning to tell them I'd be coming in.

So, fingers crossed that this is it....hoping it's positive and hoping it sticks around for the next 36 weeks - as I'm about 4 weeks already if it's positive.  

I'll blog tomorrow.  

Very sleep deprived

Scarlett had a very rough night last night - she was up very distraught most of the night.  I'm thinking it was teething....but she kept saying "mommy, mommy" like she couldn't stand to be apart from me.  We watched Dora from 1:15 to 1:45am and then she went back to sleep.  Then at 3:15 she was awake and screaming again.  It took until 4am to get her settled.  She finally fell asleep in my bed - that is an absolute first.  Scarlett will hang out in my bed, but won't even snuggle against me.  It was really nice having her finally able to calm down next to me...but I transferred her to her crib.  I took a chance that she may have woken up and I would have started all over again.  But the alternative was her being woken up at 6am when I started to get ready, and then me having to be quiet and also worry that she would try to get out of my bed.

Quick symptom update - last night I saw the first start of the blue veins lining to my breasts.

Imagine if this is all psychological?

Temperature Dip

Good morning - it's 6:21 am and here I am blogging - I need to try to get some work done on report cards before Scarlett wakes up - great, I hear her singing....not that it's not cute, but she still has an hour to sleep.

Just as I do every morning, I took my BBT.  I actually took it twice this morning convinced it was wrong or that because I hadn't gotten up to pee in the night it must be reading wrong.  There was a .3+ dip in temperature.  Now, my BBTs are usually right b/c I don't actually ovulate...or if I do, it's always completely off a regular schedule.  I was very disappointed and thought the embryo didn't stick after all and I guess I was just imagining these symptoms.

But then I went onto the wonderful internet - what did we do before its existence?  Apparently a BBT drop 7-11 days post ovulation could mean pregnancy.  If I count last Friday - the day they started me on the progesterone - as ovulation day, then today would be 9 days post ovulation.....which is right around the mark that the temperature could dip way below.

I'm looking out for the implantation bleeding today - I had at this time with my pregnancy with Scarlett.  But I know that this doesn't always happen.

As for POAS, b/c I only needed to do an 8dw and I POAS at the 8 day mark last time, I figured I'd save the money and just endure  the wait of the phone call from the doctor's office.  At the same time, it did make a really good photo for  my album.  Maybe I'll look today to see if any are on sale.

Scarlett is quiet, so I'm going to assume she has gone back to sleep and I am going to try to get some of my learning skills done....my reports are due FRIDAY.  I have way too much to do!

Tingling nipples information

Not that I'm thinking about my waiting game going on, or procrastinating my report cards due in 6 days, at all but here is what I found about tingling nipples:

1. Prickling, tingling nipples 
This can be one of the very earliest signs of pregnancy, kicking in within a week or so of conception. 
You may feel a tingling sensation as pregnancy hormones increase the blood supply to your breasts, particularly around the nipples. Once your body gets used to the hormone surge, the sensation will subside. 


---------------
I had been worried b/c today the nipple tingling wasn't very noticeable and I thought I had dislodged the embryo (that may or may not have stuck) but reading that the sensation subsides is okay with me.  


Now to try to do some report cards.

4dpt - symptoms!!!

I did not get a chance to blog yesterday, and I probably shouldn't be blogging today b/c my time is so limited to get report cards done.  Scarlett stayed up until ten thirty - and my bedtime is 10, so basically playing sesame street won out over blogging - and forget about report cards.

Yesterday was 3 days post transfer - I had tingling nipples on and off throughout the day.  I have to say, my nipples have been pretty much dead after nursing for a year, not to mention how completely invisible my breasts are...but suddenly, my nipples are screaming "look at me!!!"  Could this be a symptom....or just psychological b/c I know last transfer I had tender breasts.  I do not have tender breasts this time...although could that be because I no longer have breasts?  LOL...this is becoming a very boobie post.

I'm really hoping I'm not over-doing things by carrying Scarlett and lifting her stroller in and out of the car several times a day.  I decided to pay a short visit to my grandmother this morning with Scarlett and shortly after we arrived, her aide came to get her dressed.  I felt like I lugged the stroller in and out of the car 4 times for nothing - we both live in condos and Scarlett isn't walking yet.  I have felt some cramping and tightness in my abdomen.  I guess if it doesn't take, there's nothing I can do.  I did a nice thing visiting my grandmother with Scarlett and I don't want to be upset about that.

Tomorrow is 5 days post - last time I had the start of implantation bleeding on 5 days post.  Will I have it again?  I know not everyone even gets implantation bleeding.

I had a vivid nightmare last night, too.  I went to a club ---- hello?  When would I have time to go to a club?  And then someone offered me some sort of drug, that was a cream that I put on my lips.  I took the drug, but after it started working, I freaked out wondering how I could have forgotten that I might be pregnant and that I'm being careful about too many sugar substitutes, but I'm okay with a drug on my lips?  LOL....I'm sure part of it stemmed from writing my report card comment for the health unit on substance abuse we've been doing.  The subconscious works in mysterious ways.

Scarlett is having an early before lunch nap - she's been sick again with fever and a bad cold.  I could either take a nap or do some marking and report cards.  I can't eat lunch until 12:40 b/c that's when my 3 hour fast ends for the meds that I'm on.

Here's hoping that I see some bleeding tomorrow.

ENT visit

I am not a doctor, and so some of the information I write here may be inaccurate as I am just trying to remember and explain what the ENT told me today at Scarlett's appointment.

The hearing test started out awful.  Scarlett did not like having something put in her ears.  To say she was distraught would not be accurate enough.  She didn't mind the hearing booth test where she would hear sounds and look towards them and be rewarded by seeing a dancing toy.  I felt so helpless in that hearing booth with her as I could hear sounds that she wasn't even aware were being made.  According to the doctor there were even softer sounds that babies should be able to hear that I wouldn't have noticed.

Her ENT explained that she has a 30-40% hearing loss or disturbance (not permanent).  The good news is her inner ear is not disturbed at all so there is nothing bothering the nerve.  To her sounds are all muffled and sounds like she is under water.  It's absolutely amazing how at 17 months she has such a grasp of the oral language- but makes sense why several words are mispronounced....it's not just that she's a baby, she just can't hear me saying them.  The test also explained why Scarlett is a late walker - she is still minimally walking on her own and is not steady.  Her balance is affected by this fluid blockage.  The doctor showed us photos of a normal ear and of Scarlett's ear - her ear drum is protruding - it's being pushed out by the fluid.

And now I feel even more helpless b/c her appointment for tubes is not until August 3rd.  Knowing what I know about her hearing and balance it makes me upset that she needs to wait two more months to fix this.

My symptoms today - well, my breasts aren't sore like they were two years ago, but I really have no breasts to speak of anymore...to say I resemble a ten year old boy would be close to accurate - thank goodness for padded push up bras for illusion :)

I woke up this morning with sharp pain in my sides - similar to how I felt when pregnant with the stretching pains....I know there is nothing stretching.  I also felt nauseas this morning, but I ate quite late so that could be from that too.  It's funny how my beliefs and moods change during the wait.  Last night I was absolutely CONVINCED that it worked, which is ridiculous b/c it is way too soon to tell.  Today I feel very unsure.  Plus, I did a lot of holding and carrying Scarlett at the doctor and this morning b/c she woke up with a fever.  If there are any new signs I will report them later.  Today I am 3 weeks PUPO.

I really could use a nap, but report cards really need to be worked on.  I am trying to build my comment library.  So far I have created one comment - well, 4, one for each potential level, but only for one subject area...I have MANY to go.

White Poo and one day post transfer

Okay, first the update on Scarlett...b/c really, she's way more important than my psychological symptoms during the 2ww (or as I now call it, the 8dw).  My parents took Scarlett to the pediatrician today.  He said it is not liver problems (thanks Google - yes I did look it up) but just a virus.  He said to keep her off dairy for a few days - easier said than done as "milky" is the first and last thing she says each day.  It makes sense...not eating properly, sleeping a lot, pooing funny.  She napped for three hours today at daycare and didn't eat lunch, but she had a nice dinner and also had soy milk before bed and seemed to like that.  Here's hoping for a speedy recovery.

Also, tomorrow we go to the ENT surgeon.  I'm wondering if the hearing test will show any hearing difficulties with the fluid in her ears.  I know that babies don't generally pronounce words right, but Scarlett has such a knowledge of English already, that I'm wondering if she mispronounces certain words b/c she can't hear me say it instead of it just being a "she's just a baby" excuse.

I just read back in my blogs for previous symptoms....that might be a bad thing b/c now I may imagine that I'm experiencing what I thought I was experiencing when I conceived Scarlett...does that make sense?

Last night I was in excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen.  I'm pretty sure it was b/c I am not in the same shape I was in for my transfer for Scarlett and being in those very high stirrups with a speculum in for 20 minutes and a catheter in my uterus could have caused that discomfort.  Or it could be the embryo was so determined to implant that it got started immediately :)

I finally fell asleep well after 1am and woke up this morning without any pain.  I did have some twinges in my abdomen today....imaginary?  I also had vertigo...now that is very real b/c I have vertigo.  Is it from the embryo (I did have vertigo in the past with the transfer) or just b/c I have been having dizzy spells lately?

Reading my past symptoms, on 2 days post transfer, which would be tomorrow, I had sore boobs and I was nauseas.  I blamed the progesterone.  But looking back, there's no way.  I started the progesterone 4 days before the transfer and I didn't have those symptoms then.  But now am I going to psychologically make my boobs sore and feel nauseas?  LOL.  This is ridiculous!

I'm trying not to carry Scarlett around too much, but she's so delicious and when she says "mommy, huggy" I just have to hold her.  I have been trying to just sit with her on the floor or let her walk while I hold her hand but she stops every two steps to look at things so I just end up late.

Here's hoping for sore boobs and nausea tomorrow :)  Oh, can boobs be sore if they have shrunken down to nothingness?

White Poo - not mine!!!

Hi, I'm posting this as a blog to try to get some advice from those of you out there who read my blog.  Scarlett has been having light coloured poos lately.  I didn't think anything of it.  The past few days she hasn't eaten properly - I thought it was either her new found independence "myself, myself" or her molars starting to push through.  But today at daycare she had diarrhea and it was white.  I looked online and it said it could be viral or it could be a liver problem.

I'm going to try to get her in to see the pediatrician tomorrow - my parents will try to take her during the day.  Should I take a stool sample?  She has the ENT on Thursday.  Just something to worry about during my supposed "worry free 2ww".

June 5, 2012 - Transfer complete!!!

Before I begin, I just want to thank everyone for their warm wishes!  It's nice to belong to such a supportive community.

I'm home and "resting" now from my transfer.  It's amazing how aware I become of how much I use my core muscles.  I just changed into sweats, and reaching up for my hoodie I could feel the pulling...LOL....gotta love how the 2ww agony starts immediately.

The transfer went very smoothly.  The entire building is renovated, so now the transfer room is in the basement.  It's really nice, but I can't help but think about how the entire facility is not wheelchair/stroller friendly at all.  The nurse and the nurse in training were really friendly.  I got changed from the waist down and played on my phone while reclining in a laz-y-boy chair.  It would have been nice except my full bladder made me feel uncomfortable.  I did go and pee a little before they took me in.

We confirmed that it was me on the table and the embryologist came in.  We had spoken on the phone last week to discuss my remaining 6 embryos.  We ended up using the one that was refrozen last transfer.  It was the best of the group and the embryologist said it thawed very nicely and is a great embryo...that's enough for me.  

The u/s tech came in and I asked about my lining thickness - it wasn't an accurate read as it was over my belly, but it was measuring at 8.5mm....so at least it's grown thicker in the past five days and hopefully it's even more than that now.  They didn't want me to go pee again, but in the end I asked if I could go and I'm so glad that I did.  I was comfortable during the transfer.

The RE came in and we talked and did the practise run with the empty catheter.  Then the embryologist brought in the little embryo for the real deal.  The RE explained the whole process to me using the u/s screen and printed me a picture of the little air bubbles surrounding my embryo.  

And now the wait begins.  It's okay b/c he told me to come back for my first beta next WEDNESDAY - 8 days post transfer.  He told me to come back again on Friday at 10 days post transfer regardless of the results on Wednesday.  Now I just need to try not to obsess over every little symptom - which we know that I will :)

The RE ended by sprinkling his invisible baby dust on my belly - I'm sure he did that last time too.  

Now I have to try and have a productive report card day.

19 Days PUPO (Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise).

Tomorrow is the day!

Would you believe that tonight my mom said to me, "what if you were to transfer two embryos?"  OMGosh...is she kidding me?  I thought we wanted to minimize the chance of multiples.  But her argument is that it would have a better chance of working - to have Scarlett I transferred two, but I ended up with one baby.  In any case, she took it back almost immediately after suggesting it.  I will only transfer one embryo.  It only takes one good embryo!  :)

I'll be home all day tomorrow working on report cards.  My parents are picking Scarlett up at daycare and bringing her home to me at bedtime.  They want to minimize my picking her up tomorrow.

Sticky sticky baby dust!

Not sure how I'm feeling about all of this...

This morning was CD25 - should be a lucky day as that was the day I was given the go ahead to prepare to conceive Scarlett.  I had to get Scarlett up at 6:10.  Even on days that I have to drop her at daycare at 7am I don't wake her before 6:40.  I took her to the clinic and they didn't even take me in until 7:10am...so why couldn't they have let me take her to daycare first?  I still would have been there for 7:10 and I could have let her sleep a little longer.  Grrrr.

I had to entertain Scarlett for 30 minutes and I wouldn't let her out at all b/c then I knew she wouldn't sit still during my u/s and b/w.  Poor thing kept saying "walk, walk" but I occupied her with a Dora book she hasn't read in a while so it was definitely a novely..."again, again" after reading all the pages.  She was AMAZING in the u/s room.  A combination of being really tired, looking around the dark room with the computer screen, mommy half naked on the table, the snack trap of cheerios that she couldn't figure out how to get them out...she was quiet :)

My lining is now at 8.0mm....we made it to 8.  Ideally it should be between 8 and 10mm.  Last time it was 8.4 on this day so I'm close but not so close.  The nurse told me to book for an u/s and b/w for Sunday just in case, and otherwise she would call me this afternoon.

It was 3:00 when my phone finally rang.  I had basically figured my RE said we should keep waiting b/c it was so late.

Here's the thing:  They want me to transfer on TUESDAY at 10am.  If you recall, Tuesday was supposed to be my big meeting with my principal and an outside person regarding ordering my equipment for next year.  They actually wanted to transfer me on Thursday, but I had reminded my nurse in a voice message that Scarlett has her ENT appointment Thursday.  My RE is in another clinic Wed. morning but then does procedures at the main clinic after that.  I asked why not Wednesday and apparently he has too many procedures already and he doesn't get there until late.

The problem is not me missing this meeting.  The problem is I won't have had enough time on the progesterone.  Why have me go through so much and wait so long but not have me on the progesterone for very long?  They know I don't produce my own hormones...I mean look, I'm on 2 estrace twice a day (4 pills), 3 patches, and one vaginal pill just to build up to a measly 8.0mm lining.  So to only give me 3 full days and one partial day (today) of the progesterone pills and suppositories, is that going to hinder my chances at conceiving?  Especially b/c I'm only transferring one embryo.  I think I'm going to set my alarm to wake up to take a 1am suppository just to give me that extra bit of progesterone - at least I will have had two doses of the pills and two of the suppositories for today instead of the three doses.

Do I call the RE tomorrow to ask him his logic for not waiting until Friday?  My lining needed to thicken anyway.  I just know that if it doesn't work, I'm going to blame the fact that we rushed the transfer.  And why rush if we've done all of these tests and the biopsy and we waited for my lining and I took all these meds?

I'm so tired....going to get ready for bed.