Choice Mom of two...toughest job ever!!!

Another post in brief...all the time I have...I should be waking JM up and forcing him to "play" for a bit, but I'll let him sleep.  I should just climb into bed and sleep too...but I'm taking this opportunity to blog.

I always have so much to type during the day, and by the time I get to sit down and actually type, nothing comes out the way I wanted it to, or I miss all the ideas I had to write about.  And really, I have so many thank you cards to write...today I wrote one!

Being a choice mom of two is the toughest job ever.  Especially when the older one is potty training and under strict instructions not to get out of bed at night without me.  I have to say, JM is the most patient baby ever!  He cries for milk, and I get him latched on, and all of a sudden, "mommy, I need you..."  So I unlatch him and help SR to the potty for the eleventh time b/c she has the feeling of poo coming but still wasn't grasping that she had to sit and wait for it...get her back to bed and JM latched back on again, only for it to happen again...and again...and again!  My patience was tested Friday night, that's for sure!  And JM, doesn't utter a peep about having to start and stop and start and stop.

Finally...FINALLY...she understands pooing!  SR is potty trained!

I feel that I don't hold JM enough.  I try to give SR so much attention.  But then I also feel like I'm letting SR down.  I get frustrated with her where I never did before due to sleep deprivation or feeling pulled in two directions.  The other night I was trying to sing songs with her and JM was screaming...so I told her I had to go feed him.  But then he stopped crying, so I went back in and we did our bedtime routine.  I didn't want to let her down or make her feel second best.

But I've now spent this weekend mastering breastfeeding in places other than with the Brestfriend pillow to feed - I've done it on the bathtub ledge while SR is "pooing".  I have BF on the floor playing lego and doing a puzzle.  I have BF while on the computer (NOW).  Now if only I could get those Thank You Cards written.
Okay, this is all I have time for...and some pictures:

Very Brief Update

I'm going to follow Shannon's lead here and try to do a quick post in bullets.

• EXHAUSTION

I have become and all you can eat all night buffet!  JM has been feasting from around 8pm to 3am leaving me with 3 hours of sleep before SR and JM both wake up asking for more milk!!!  This morning I was sitting on the couch feeding JM and SR came out of her room (I guess when I didn't come to her while she called me, she gave up and came to see me).  Poor SR had to wait for her milk as JM was latched to me.  She didn't like that very much and eventually I had to unlatch JM, get SR her milk, latch JM back on and help SR onto the couch beside us to snuggle.  And I'm TIRED!!!  I guess I should be napping b/c JM is currently in his bucket seat in the snap and go at the front door sleeping - but I wanted a chance to blog and eat lunch...my eyes are closing as I type this.

• SR IS IN UNDERWEAR

SR wore underwear to school for the first time yesterday.  She was accident free!  Her teachers even forgot to change her to a diaper for nap time!  Yay SR....less diapers to purchase this year!  She is struggling with making poo in the toilet - this used to come so easily to her.  She now holds it until it hurts her to come out and then runs to the toilet repeatedly saying she has to poo and that her tummy hurts, only to jump right off the toilet saying she is fine.  What ends up happening is finally it starts to come out of her and she then makes it to the toilet as it is already emerging (leaving residue behind).  Hopefully the poo part will get easier.

• JM HAS THE WORST DIAPER RASH EVER

For more than 2 weeks now, JM has the worst diaper rash.  I have taken a photo, but I don't feel it's appropriate to post it on my blog.  If you can picture the skin burned away and bleeding, that's how bad it is.  I tried multiple creams, changing diapers, not using wipes, and hanging him over the sink to wash him.  It's a vicious cycle - he eats, he poos, I try to clean him and apply cream, he screams, he poos more, he eats and poos again.  I went to my pediatrician last week and he gave me a cortisone cream.  It didn't help at all.  Then a choice mom friend who is a doctor called in a script that is part cortisone, part anti fungal, and part ihle's paste (barrier cream).  It's not working yet.  She came over yesterday and looked at him and said it will clear up and she's not overly concerned but it is a severe rash.  He's had it for longer than he hasn't had it.  He's only 3 weeks old.  I went back to the Pediatrician yesterday - my regular doctor is away so we saw the colleague.  He said the cream from my friend is perfect and that it is also my diet causing the burn (my friend also suggested this to me).  Apparently all the delicious summer fruit is too acidic for him.  Not to mention I haven't eaten grapefruit since I started T42 b/c my RE put me on thyroid medicine to help conceive (even though I don't have a thyroid issue).  So as soon as I left the hospital I asked my parents to buy me grapefruit and have eaten half a grapefruit every day.  I feel just terrible that I have caused him so much pain.  Today is day one of me changing my eating - I eliminated my powdered reduced sugar iced tea as well - not sure if that is contributing to it, but I have been guzzling that stuff...I'm not a water drinker and I need to stay hydrated.  Not sure what I'll do now but I need to help my baby.

• SR LOVES HER BROTHER

She really does.  Every time he cries she makes the cutest, "ahhhhhh" sound and tells me to give him milk.  Her favourite thing now is about 20 minutes after she goes to bed she calls out "mommy, I need you." When I arrive in her room I am instructed to put JM on her bed.  From there she likes to tickle his feet and pat his head and snuggle into him.  It's very sweet.


Okay, I'm going to stop here...I need to take tylenol....I need a nap....lunch may have to wait but it's already almost 2pm.

Pictures coming soon.

Baby boy is sleeping...time to blog!

****Name revealed near the end****

I just looked over at my baby boy and he's sleeping!  And I was just sitting and trying to write out thank you cards when I realized I HAVE TIME TO BLOG!!!  I don't know how much time I have so I'll try to be quick and include photos!

These photos were taken right before I left for the hospital.  SR was still sleeping, my mom was meeting me in front of the condo, and my dad was parking his car to come inside and wait for SR to wake up and take her to school.  The clothes I'm wearing are my American Eagle regular clothes...I don't really believe in maternity clothes.

Right before I was taken in for my c-section I asked my doula to take a quick picture of me.

For my c-section with SR I was sedated b/c the spinal didn't work on my abdominal area.  This C-section I was able to stay awake.  It was definitely an interesting experience.  Feeling the pushing on my belly, feeling the emptiness as he was taken out of me, and then seeing my baby as I looked over my shoulder.  He was really big and pink.  As a comparison, SR weighed 6 lbs 4 oz at birth and baby boy weighed 7 lbs 12 oz.   

This is us in recovery.  I love how the hair net is falling off me.  You'd never know I just came out of surgery here.  

And actually, it was like I didn't have surgery at all...the nurses were really great, but that's b/c I didn't ask for any help.  You may get a kick out of this one...and it might be TMI, but a few hours after surgery, the nurse told me to go into the bathroom to "wash up".  There was a sudden gush of grossness that landed on the floor.  I didn't want to step in it...so I bent down to clean it up with paper towels....the same day as my surgery.  I told my nurse and she told some others...and the staff were amazed at what I was capable of.

But I'm a choice mom!  The faster I get back on my feet, the faster I can go home with my babies :)

Right from the start, baby boy has been a wonderful addition to our family!  

I did have my own room this time, which was very pleasant.  In hind sight I should have brought my white noise machine - maybe I would have gotten some sleep. We left the hospital on Thursday, after checking in on Tuesday.  

My parents were reluctant to have me go home with baby boy and SR.  They wanted me to go to their house.  But it's been the best decision coming home.  I'm so glad that I've been in my environment.  My dad comes every morning to pick SR up for school and my mom comes around dinner time to help me when it seems that I'm being asked to breastfeed and serve dinner at the same time.  Because it's summer, I am able to get outside for walks and fresh air - except it's a heat wave now so it's too hot for my baby boy.

SR has had wonderful and challenging moments.  Things are working out right now that when she wakes up, baby boy is still sleeping and her and I get time together to snuggle while she drinks her milk, to sit together at the toilet, for me to get her dressed, put on sunscreen and put in her pig tails for school.  She's had moments of pushing me - I gave her a time out for the first time.  But the next day, she pushed me again and took my hand and said "take me to sit on the floor."  I'm sorry, but you are not telling me to punish you.  She has regressed a little bit in the potty training and will pee in her diaper.  But then she says, "I can't eat dinner in a wet diaper."  We'll get back on track.  But SR also has taken a great interest in her new baby brother.

SR has been sick since I came home from the hospital.  She had croup right before I had the baby.  Then she's had a cold/cough after.  Last weekend she had a fever and I really felt the demands of being a single parent to two kids.  I was breastfeeding and then called to SR's room and then breastfeeding and then with SR throughout the night - but, it's just sleep, right?  A little over rated if you ask me ;)

I don't want to jinx things but it's been pretty smooth sailing.  My baby is a great sleeper - cluster feeding up until around 11pm and then letting me sleep until 2:30 or 3 and then again until 8:30 ish.  He does have the worst diaper rash I have ever seen and we were back at the Pediatrician yesterday to get checked.  I have tried everything and even with the cortisone and barrier cream now there isn't improvement.  My baby only cries when he's hungry or when I touch his bottom - he's very easy going. 

Last Tuesday, July 9th, was baby boy's Bris (circumcision).  We had a party with close family and friends - although the idea of celebrating my baby's penis getting cut is very disturbing to me.  We had it in my party room at my condo.  I also had a cake there and an announcement made because it was my parents' 40th anniversary.

SR looked so beautiful and sat so nicely during the ceremony.  I wish I got a good picture of her smiling at the camera.  She hates pictures these days!

At the bris, is also the naming ceremony.  I actually stopped typing SR's name when I was trying for #2 b/c I didn't want anyone who knew me to stumble on my blog.  So for today only I will use her name and introduce her baby brother to you:

Scarlett Ruth is the proud big sister to her baby brother Jory Merit!

JM is starting to stir, so here are a few more photos:

I did my own little photo shoot.

Superman!!!

Enjoying the Summer Heat!

I think I want some milk...

Hi JoJo Bear!

Really hard to get a good family photo with a toddler!

The New Baby - written by SR

Okay, so for months now there has been talk of this "Baby Brother" coming.  It's practically been shoved down my throat - the books and the talking and the songs....I get it.  I'm going to be a big sister...whatever that means!

Then I'm told I'm going to sleep at Suvta and Zaidy's house (my grandparents) for a little while.  Mommy, Suvta, and Zaidy made a big production about getting my "bed" ready at their house.  I humoured them a little and pretended to sleep on my special bed.  Mommy was great and brought our second Elmo and Cookie Monster pillow case over so I could sleep on the same pillow.  That was fun pretending.

But then, I woke up on Tuesday morning, and mommy wasn't home.  Zaidy was at my house.  It was funny watching him try to get my milk ready and get me dressed - and I had to wear a bathing suit and new water play shoes for school too for the first time.  Zaidy helped me use the potty and gave me smarties after...and he even figured out how to get my shows on the television.  But where was mommy?  Mommy is always there in the morning.

Zaidy took me to school and picked me up at the end of the day and took me to his house.  I spoke to mommy on the phone and told her "I had a fun day at school."  I really did, but I wanted her to know that I didn't miss her when I woke up and she wasn't there...even though I totally missed her.

But after dinner, mommy didn't come and get me....and Suvta and Zaidy got me ready for bed...and I was supposed to really go to sleep in the bed that I pretended to sleep in earlier in the week.  I got teary eyed and asked them to call mommy.  I laid the guilt on pretty thick..."Mommy, I miss you!" I cried into the phone.  It was nice to hear her voice and have her say she missed me too.  She even sang our bedtime songs, so I settled in and got comfy on my special bed and fell asleep.  It was a rough night, though.  I cried a bit, but Zaidy came and rubbed my back every time I cried.  I like that trick a lot.  It's nice getting back rubs.

The next day, Suvta and Zaidy got me ready for school and Zaidy took me.  I like school, but I put on a good show for him that I was sad when we arrived.  Again that night, I went home with Zaidy.  I really like going there, though, so it wasn't such a big deal.  I called mommy and we talked for a little while but I really wanted to go and play.

Finally, Thursday after school, Zaidy brought me home....and mommy was there!  I was sooooo happy.  I couldn't stop giving her huggies.  She told me I had to be very careful because her belly had an ouchie...she told me that it would.  There was this little stranger in the house.  Apparently it's my baby brother.  Oh, but then I saw my "friends"....my Sesame and Dora figurines that I want to play with.  So I played with my toys....I could hear and see lots of action going on around me with this new baby brother.  It was just like the book said...the baby couldn't play or eat food....at least I can play with my "friends" at the table here.

When I ate dinner, mommy said she was giving the baby milk, but that wasn't a bottle like they taught us in school.  I got quite a lesson about something called breastmilk and breasts...apparently I used to drink it too...so weird.

I think I'm good at this big sister stuff.  Mommy asked me to get her a diaper for baby brother, and then he had peed or pooed through his pyjamas, so mommy told me to get him an undershirt and a new pyjamas and she made such a big deal of it when I got them for her.  I don't get it, but I won't tell her to stop.  It's always nice to hear that I'm a good helper.

I tried to help Suvta yesterday and I got her a diaper.  She told me that baby brother was dry and didn't need a diaper change.  That hurt my feelings.  I told her that I wasn't a good big sister and that I wasn't a good helper.  It made for a great guilt trip :)

All in all, sometimes I'm interested in baby brother and other times I'm not.  I am trying extra hard for attention, but mommy is really handling it well and giving me her attention any time I need it....even when I'm acting out of character and moody.  I also have a cold and so I'm not feeling completely myself.

Mommy will write her side of the story too.  In the meantime, here's a quick picture of us from yesterday.  I'm not super thrilled but we're snuggling.

And here's one of my adorable baby brother...who I already love, but I won't let on that I do yet:

Dear Baby Boy...

Dear Baby Boy (Baby Brother as your big sister says),

Tomorrow you will join our family of two to make us a family of three.  We are so excited to meet you.

Don't feel you have to be anything like your older sister...I will love you exactly as you are.  However, if you choose to give her a run for her money (of which she already has a considerable education fund), I would not hold you back.  Be who you are meant to be.

My students named you "Angelo" - one boy likes Angels and Jello, and hence your name.  I am really hoping that when you are born, that Angelo is not the name that suits you.  I picked out your name many years ago. In fact, I didn't even bother looking or thinking about an alternate - maybe I should have, as your big sister didn't suit the names I had narrowed down for her.  But I think you are the name I always wanted.  Your middle name took a while and I'm still not set on the spelling.  Both names are unique.  Your first name is one I have heard several times through the years, but I have never taught!  This is a good thing b/c all the names I have taught already have faces in my mind.  The middle name I have chosen is very original but I feel will suit you.  I won't be revealing the names until after your Bris next Tuesday.  This will also give me time to settle with them.  It's okay, SR didn't have her name for 10 days, so what is a few short 8 days?

Your Hebrew name was tricky.  We (Suvta, Zaidy, and I) wanted to name you after my Zaidy - the problem is he had the same first name and Hebrew name as your Zaidy (my father) has.  In Jewish tradition we only name for a relative who has passed away, so we can't honour my Zaidy's name.  But we did find a name that goes with the English translation and so we will use that name for your first Hebrew name and my father (your Zaidy)'s grandfather's Hebrew name for your middle name.

I just wish you a wonderful life. .I hope you and your sister are the best of friends in life, but I know that's not realistic.  But I still hope so.  I want you to grow up to be polite and respectful and make the best decisions in life that you can.

I can't wait to see you...to snuggle with you...to have your big sister meet you in a few days...

I love you already...

Mommy...aka mama...ma...whatever nickname your big sister has at the time.

What a way to end my pregnancy!

I'm hoping to blog twice today - we'll see if that actually happens...we'll see if I can even get this one finished before SR wakes from her nap.  I should take a nap.  I'm exhausted.

My entire school year was AWFUL!  Being pregnant and going to a job I hated all year was not fun.  Luckily we were in a political protest year and I could arrive 30 minutes before the school day and leave as soon as the day ended.  I must say, I learned very quickly that I DON'T need to be at work extra hours like I used to and that SR could be my priority.  That being said, I would race out the door at the end of the day to get her from her school and we had extra time together.

My school year ended the same way it began - with the most uncohesive group of grade 3 students arguing.  We couldn't even go around and talk about what we enjoyed this year or what we were looking forward to this summer.  Twelve years of teaching grade 3 (with 2/3 splits and 3/4 splits also) and I have never had a group like this...bickering until the end.  And I must say, I'm proud that I never once lost my cool or raised my voice.  I just let them waste their time, and I didn't do any of the fun things I normally do.

A group of grade 8s came to see me recently and were reminiscing all the fun things we did...funny, not one of those things did I get to do with this year's group.  Oh well!

And as the school year wound to a close, my foot got bigger and bigger until it finally looked like this:

One of these things is not like the other.  Wouldn't you think that these feet belong to two different people?  I used to call the left one my RUBBER FOOT, but it doesn't even look like rubber anymore.  It just looks like someone else's foot.

Not sure if you can see what I'm trying to show - but the skin on the outside of my foot is literally ripping right off from stretching so quickly.

Needless to say, all of the fun things I wanted to do with SR up to the end of my pregnancy weren't really able to happen b/c I have a lot of trouble walking - even my flip flops won't stay put.  Elevating doesn't help either.

My trip to the hospital last Tuesday resulted in this lovely bruise on my arm - I have to say, after going through fertility treatments and morning blood work every day, I don't usually bruise...I have really good veins too, so I'm not sure why the nurse chose one on the inside of my arm:

This is the left side, just like my foot - and when the blood was drawn the entire inside of my elbow filled with fluid.  I must admit, when the doctor entered I said, "There's something wrong with my arm" as it looked scarier than my foot did!

 And then this weekend, SR got croup!  Luckily it's been very mild.  The steroid pill seemed to help a lot, as did the humidifier that a friend dropped off.  She is breathing fine today and only coughing a little bit, but still very hoarse.  I'm so glad because this could have been so much worse.

My parents are in a panic - I'm an emotional wreck b/c I am going to miss SR sooooo much over the next few days.  I can't believe it won't be just her and I anymore and I don't know if I'm up for it.  My mom is picking me up at 6am to be at the hospital for 6:30, and my dad is coming to wait for SR to wake up, get her dressed and ready for school - and it's her first splish splash day and they are calling for rain - I think it's going to be a disaster with him getting her ready on his own...and SR is already crying and so clingy to me.

I have prepared her as much as I can.  She helped make her bed at my parents' house.  She watched me pack her suit case.  She took a bath this afternoon with my parents watching to see how I do it - my dad taking notes.  And just thinking about leaving her is killing me.  Absolutely killing me!

I have to tell you, since starting her at daycare it has not gotten any easier.  I miss her so much and I do call during the day often to check in.  I still feel like I'm missing out on things she is doing and learning.  She is so funny and quick witted.

And have I mentioned (yes I have) that she is potty training herself?  I'm keeping her in diapers for this week for sure.  I don't want her feeling pressured and having set backs.  Already yesterday she had accidents, when she hasn't all week.  But she's been amazing, asking to pee almost every time she feels it coming.  Even with diapers on, she knows to ask.  She learned everything else in her own time too - no need to worry.

Now my worries:
a)  How do I hold a baby?  How do I pick up a baby?  How do I breastfeed a baby?  How do I breastfeed?
b)  Is this the right decision for SR?  We are a great family of 2.  But I remember I did this for the long term - so she'll have someone in this world if anything happened to me and/or my parents.  Will she adjust okay to the new stranger in our home?  Will I be able to shower her with all the attention she needs?
c)  Will I be able to cope at home with her and the baby while recovering from my c-section?  My parents desperately want me to move in with them.  I feel being at home is better - but it's the summer and I'll be out walking, and I'll be going to their home (when my dad picks me up to drive me), and my dad will come over in the mornings to get SR dressed and to daycare - I hope it all works out as planned.

One final thing - my doula has let me know she might not be there for me tomorrow.  Another client who is due later in July was having early signs of labour.  I guess it's first come, first serve, and whoever is left out gets the doula on call.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I just need someone beside me through the c-section.   Plus, I think my doula should have a reduced rate for scheduled c-sections.  I mean, she's only there for a couple of hours and doesn't have to do much to get me through - and last c-section I was sedated, so she was in a different room anyway.

Okay, off to write my letter to baby boy, b/c I think my parents are borrowing my monitor for the week - theirs conked out and I don't think I'll need it from the hospital :)