BFP - but not so fat!

Here's a picture of my HPT from this morning - if you look closely you will see a faint line on the left.

I did have my beta today and my 8DPT numbers are 30.60.  It's low.  Lower than my last transfer, and MUCH lower than when I transferred for SR.  SR must have been twins originally b/c it started at 325 at 9DPT and kept rising very quickly.  All that has to happen now is I need to hit around 62 on Thursday to have a double.  I'd love to see it more than double - that would be very reassuring to me.  

I need sticky thoughts please...feeling hopeful for my little 2AB to hang on tight.

BFP????

Or should I say maybe it's a little tiny bit positive. It's 6:15am and I just took a real HPT. There is a very faint second line. But that pink line is definitely there. I am going for my beta today. Fingers crossed.

To Pee or not to Pee

Guess what?  Dollar stores in Ontario do have POAS sticks!  I bought four today for $1.25 each!  I know it's probably not a good idea to test tomorrow before this meeting...BUT, if I keep in mind it's a dollar store test, and it's still very early, then I think I'm going to do it.

I have so much to say about what I am going through and what I have experienced this weekend with my colleague and my union rep.  But I do not trust the internet.  Fingers crossed that I do not cry in the meeting and I can hold it together until I make my great escape.  For the record, the union rep does not know why my colleague or myself are even attending this meeting.

Halloween news:  I was given two costumes from a friend for SR and I also had a hand-me-down...she wanted nothing to do with any of them.  But I was able to convince her to wear the original hand-me-down through gradual coaxing.  It's a witch hat and a black and orange dress with pumpkins on it.  The flower costume is much cuter but she did not want to wear that, and listening to her cackle is just too cute.

Today SR turned 22 months.  She can "read" two words:  DORA, and Moo.  She touches each letter of the word and then tells me what it says.  She also speaks in up to 7 word sentences.

5DPT

I deleted my previous post.  Thank you for your support.  I'm too nervous about anyone stumbling upon this blog.  That is why I had to start using SR instead of her name (temporarily).  B/c it is so sensitive that I'm T42, my mom stumbled upon my blog accidentally and that's when I realized that anyone could, even though I have privacy settings on.  So, here's hoping I get the support I need for Monday at work.  I hope that this pregnancy is a go - I would hate for it to not work out and me to blame this family and my administration for the stress that was caused during this time.

So, I'm absolutely exhausted and it's 8:45pm.  Pregnant?  My breasts are tender.  Progesterone supplements?

The thing is, I don't get a period...I never ovulated...so none of this could be upcoming period symptoms.  And I was on the progesterone for 4 days prior to the transfer and had no symptoms.

I think I need to POAS...but what a waste of money - especially b/c I will test Tuesday and Thursday (no matter what the results are on Tuesday).  But last pregnancy, my clinic "forgot" to call with my results and I had to chase the nurse down...ridiculous.  And I think if I POAS on Monday and it's positive I'll go into my meeting feeling better than if I don't....but, if I POAS Monday and it's negative, it could be false negative, but it will also having me heading into a meeting on the verge of tears where I need to try to keep it together.  So maybe if I do POAS I'll do it Tuesday morning before my blood test.  But isn't that a waste of 15 dollars?

SR just went to bed.  Her new thing is she goes down, I take my shower, and then she calls out through her monitor, "mommy, mommy".  When I go into her, she says, "watch the music."  That's b/c she had done this on a Sunday or Monday night and there is a great reality show in Canada on Sundays and Mondays - searching for a Dorothy for the Toronto version of the Wizard of Oz.  She obviously enjoyed the show b/c it's become a habit these days to ask to watch with me.

4DPT

I should be in bed...I was on my way there at 10:00 and now it's 10:40.  SR is not feeling well, bad cold and teeth coming in.  I need to sleep before she wakes up for more advil.

An update - Work sucks.  I'm supposed to be at a meeting Monday morning where I am expected to express "regret" for something I don't regret, and take verbal attacks from a family and let it roll off my back.  Talk about having a stress-free transfer wait!  Sarcasm if you can't deduce from my tone of writing :)

Tonight I did something that I should have done at least a week ago.  I emailed my union and told my whole story - he agrees that we need to discuss a course of action and will speak on the phone this weekend leading up to how to proceed on Monday morning.

Monday was supposed to be my Beta - I won't be having a beta on Monday.  In a way it worked out b/c I felt that Monday was too soon anyway, being only 7DPT, so I'll go Tuesday and then Thursday for my official one.

Other than tightness/cramping when I wake up, and right now some nipple tingling...okay, it seems to be quite a bit of nipple tingling....I waver back and forth on whether or not I feel it worked.

Last transfer I had my temperature DIP on 5DPT so I'm wondering if I will wake up to a temp dip tomorrow - I guess it depends on if SR lets me sleep through the night and I get an accurate reading or not.

Thinking about my friends out here in blog world who have not gotten their BFP this cycle.  This road TTC and T42 is so intense!

1:45am

I woke up feeling refreshed many hours too early. But that's not why I'm blogging on my phone in the middle of the night.

I have my signature pregnancy symptom. The I've just woken up and can't move because the is a sharp cramp in my side. But I'm only just starting my second day of the mind f--- Olympics. But I never wake up with a pain in my side when I'm not pregnant.  Next event is nipple tingling.

So much stress and 1DPT

Work is horrible.  I am the teacher who LOVES my job.  I didn't know how I was going to cope with being on mat leave with SR b/c I am a teacher - that is what I knew.  When I returned to work after SR turned a year, I LOVED my job but missed my baby.

I HATE MY JOB.  I cry every day at work - it is to the point where teachers have to step in to cover me so I can get myself together.  The kids think I'm upset b/c of my dog Buddy, who is still alive and kicking 1 1/2 weeks after the vet said he had 3 days to live.  Every day gets worse.

The class is challenging - but I've had challenging groups before...I have one student who is especially challenging....but that's not even the worst part.  I can't get into the worst part....except to say that actions speak louder than words, and although I am told that I am "supported" in what is to me a harassment situation, I definitely do not feel supported and do not see that support.

So if this little 2AB makes it in this world, then it will be a miracle.  Because one day post transfer to be stressed and crying at work does not seem like a hospitable environment.  And if this little 2AB doesn't make it, I know I will feel resentful towards several people in question.

And I wish I had a thicker skin, but I don't.  And if I didn't have to support myself and SR and a potential year of maternity leave I would be taking a stress leave - a stress leave from a job I love....WTF???

And the best part of my day was going to pick up SR at school - and having her run to me and hold my face and say "mommy pick me up.  Scarlett's mommy is here."  And then I realize that I should have a thicker skin b/c these bullies who are upset about their own problems don't matter in the grand scheme of things....b/c at the end of the day, they are stuck with themselves, and I get to come home to my beautiful girl.  But in the moment, when SR is not with me, I get trapped in this mess that I call a job.

What I do have is cramping on and off in my abdomen today.....is that symptom number one?

PUPO again

This morning was my transfer.  The little embryo will now be referred to 2AB just for clarity!

As I was getting myself and SR ready this morning, my phone rang.  It was the clinic.  I did panic a little bit thinking maybe they were cancelling the appointment.  It was the embryologist calling to discuss my embryos.  I had to clarify that I only wanted to transfer one.  She seemed surprised, but I transferred one the last time and it stuck.  As a Choice Mom with a toddler, I am not prepared to have twins, unless of course the embryo splits on its own.  Also, with my small frame I'm not sure how I would manage - even though I've been desperately trying to put on weight these last few weeks - success, I gained 2 1/2 pounds...lol....no one could tell, but it's hard to put on weight when having three hour fasts 4 times in a day.

The embryos were in a straw of three - this brings me to my point from my last transfer that maybe it didn't make it because it had been frozen and thawed and frozen and rethawed.  The embryologist claims that there are many successful pregnancies from refrozen/rethawed embryos.  In this straw of three, one was a 2AB (hence the name of my embryo) which I am quite pleased with.  All of my embryos were on the small side and SR turned out just fine.  But the other two in this straw, and the two remaining in the other straw are preblastocysts.  They don't have ratings yet.  I think my blastocycsts were all slow to develop as the others were on the small side as well.  This was after a day-5 freezing.  The embryologist said that if the 2AB survived the thaw it would be used and she would leave the other two to culture for a day before refreezing them to see if they develop.  She went over this information again with me in the transfer room.

I have enjoyed seeing Shannon post pictures of her lucky socks.  I don't have lucky socks.  But I did enjoy the before pictures.  So here is a picture of my feet as I lounge in the Laz-y Boy recliner on a full bladder and reading Fifty Shades on my phone.

Here's one of me in my cute hair net after taking the photo of my feet.

My bladder does not handle being full well - does anyone's?  I drink about 2/3 of a water bottle and I'm good to go for hours and hours of peeing.  I guess I peed too much out while waiting my turn for my transfer b/c when I finally got in the u/s tech said that although I was full, it would not meet the doctor's standards.  And there I was left alone in the big cold room for my bladder to get more full than it already was.

Finally, they said I was full enough and the doctor was called in.  He told me to go for my first beta in SEVEN days.  Isn't that too soon?  Couldn't that give me a false negative?  Last transfer (only a few months ago), he had me test after EIGHT days.  He says that TEN days is the official first test but I can go on Monday.  I think I'll wait to see what kind of symptoms I get this week.  Welcome to the Mind F--- .  My favourite is when I try to convince myself it's the progesterone giving me the symptoms, when I've been on the progesterone for 5 days leading up to the transfer with no symptoms at all.  And is it possible my nipples are already tingling just hours after the transfer?  LOL....of course not - that didn't start until 3 days post last transfer.  There should be Mind F--- olympics....take a group of women in their 2ww or 1ww as I am now in and have them sit around discussing all their crazy symptoms.

So, like Shannon has her lucky socks, I have a tradition too.  After each of my transfers, on the long drive home, I have listened to the same song over and over again, belting along with it.  It worked with my SR transfer back in April of 2010 and it worked in June 2012 so why shouldn't it work again.  Lady Antebellum's "When You've Got a Good Thing."  Hopefully this is the last time I will go through that tradition.  Oh, is it possible my nipples are tingling already?

Now to sit around and do some marking or planning and just take it easy.  SR is at "school" and my parents will pick her up today.  I will go and meet them for dinner at their place and I think they will drive SR home to my place tonight - the less I pick her up today the better I'll feel about things.  Tomorrow is back to anything goes.

Transfer tomorrow

Last week was the WORST week.  Possibly the worst work week in my 12 year career of teaching.  I can't get into it online....I never know who may have found me here.  Let's just say that a lot of tears were shed both at school and at home.

Also, Buddy, my loving Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (who lives with my parents) is very ill.  A week ago he was given 3 days to live.  He is still alive.  We were going to put him down twice last week.  My mom cancelled the appointments both days.  It's just too hard to say goodbye to such a loving friend/family member.  He is 12 1/2 and has outlived his father by 2 1/2 years.  Out of the 4 puppies in his litter, two have already died.  Cavaliers are prone to heart disease (mitro valve).  Buddy has this, but it seems to be his kidneys that are failing him now.  He has stopped eating dog food and wants very little people food.  He is still drinking water though, but not much.

Add both of these things to the major estrogen I am taking and there is one emotional girl here.

This weekend I was pretty out of it from all of the tears and late nights.  On Saturday afternoon I took a nap.  When SR woke up as I heard through the monitor, I was so disoriented.  I didn't know why it was light out in the middle of the night.  Then it took me another hour or more to fully wake up - I brought SR into my bed and put Sesame Street on and fell back asleep for a little longer.

Tomorrow is my transfer.  It was originally supposed to be at 10am but they called today to bump me to 9:30...this time is more convenient b/c I can drop SR at school at the normal time and take my time getting to the M. location.  Fingers crossed that my embryo survives the thaw and is viable.  Tomorrow I will be PUPO once again.

Incompetence and still not thick enough

CD23 - still not ready for transfer.

Clinic again left me irritated.  In fact, I got up while the "nurse in training" was talking to me.  She had no idea.  Especially after making me wait 20 minutes to speak to her after my u/s.

Nurse:  So what medications are you currently taking?  I need to make a list to tell the dr.

Me:  WHAT?  He knows what I'm taking.  It's on the chart in front of you.

Nurse:  So you're taking Climara.  How much Climara are you on?

Me:  3 patches.  And I'm also on 4 estrace 2mg per day and one vaginal estrace .5.  My transfer can't be on Saturday.  Just so you know.

Nurse:  Oh, it may be on Saturday.

Me:  No, it can't be on Saturday.  And anyway, Sunday is five days from today.

Nurse:  Oh, I'll have to ask the dr.  So book another u/s for Thursday.

Me:  What about the progesterone?

Nurse:  Are you taking progesterone?  How much are you taking?

Me:  No, I need it for a transfer.

This is when I stood up and walked out.  I couldn't take it anymore.



It's been a rough day all around.  Waiting for news for when we are putting my dog (who lives with my parents) down.  Thought it was going to be today.

Major school issues...can't elaborate but I ended off my day in tears today.

The bright side is I made fresh spaghetti squash for SR and I for dinner tomorrow night, but it is so yummy that I am eating it now :)

CD 21 and STILL NOT THICK ENOUGH

This cycle is totally reminiscent of when I transferred SR.  I thought at the time that they would cancel my transfer b/c they couldn't get my lining thick enough.  You were all waiting for me to be thick on Friday - well it's now Sunday and I've only moved .2 of a mm in more than a week.  My RE said to me a week ago how great it is that things are happening without all of the meds...WTF, I knew nothing was happening.  I walked into my clinic on Friday and said to the nurse, "give me the vaginal estrace."  She did write me the script - mostly b/c my estrogen levels were dropping even with the meds.  That's what happened in my SR transfer cycle too.

So my lining stands at 8.1mm.  I have another u/s on Tuesday morning and hopefully that will be the final u/s and I will prepare for transfer - I'm thinking a week today, so next Sunday.  That means that if I'm getting ready to transfer as of Tuesday, then Tuesday won't be CD23 but CD14 and I can start thinking in terms of PUPO.  I just hate the waiting and waiting and waiting.

For the past two nights I have lost all of my "me" time b/c SR wasn't sleepy - and I just love watching her play at night, she becomes so involved in her figurines and their storylines.  Tonight she had them tell each other that they love them and give kisses (we're talking Dora and friends and the sesame street figurines).  Then she helped Bert build a tower and was so complimentary to him every step of the way..."good job, Bert."

I guess the kids will have to know that I don't have their journals marked b/c Bert was busy building a tower :)

Not thick enough

And of course I knew I wouldn't be thick enough with no meds increase - I went up .1 of a mm.  So I'm exactly 8.0mm thick.  Tonight I need to add patch number two.  Secretly I want to insert a vaginal estrace b/c I still have some left over, but I don't see how I can go against doctor's orders.  So, hopefully having two patches will do the thickening.  My next u/s is on Friday morning.  If I am thick enough on Friday then they will start the progesterone and I will transfer 4-6 days later.  We are looking at Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday of next week.  One week to go before starting the dreadful 2ww...or 8dw as they like to allow me...even 8 days is torturous.

CD16

My parents have now been away for 15 of their 17 day trip.  Other than a freak out on Friday about the dog sitter telling me I had to take the dog, it's been pretty smooth sailing.  I did not take the dog - He is very old and taking diuretics.  Therefore he pees...a lot.  I'm in a condo.  I can't leave SR here sleeping or alone to take Buddy outside every hour.  But to move into my parents' house for a week was totally overwhelming.  They have no food in their house, and I would have had to move all of our clothes, toiletries, and food to their house while watching SR.  Not to mention their house is not baby proofed to stay there.  No gates on the stairs, and I'd have to watch her EVERY SECOND.  In the end, the dog sitter kept Buddy and all is well.

The other hurdle I had was braving a weekend u/s with SR.  It's not a problem during the week.  Either she is in daycare, or she can be in the stroller.  But, the M. location that is open on the weekends has two small flights of stairs.  If I don't strap SR into the stroller immediately, there is no going into the stroller, so I couldn't even have her out, carry the stroller and her (somehow) up the stairs and put her into it.

She ended up on the u/s bed with me...she was quite upset at first and kicked off the sheet that was covering me.  I ended up with banana smushed into my neck and myself exposed for the u/s technician seeing all.  But DORA saved the day and the u/s was soon complete.

What's interesting is I'm not on half the meds I usually am on.  At first I was upset b/c my lining stayed at 6.8mm from CD10 to CD12.  They added one patch to my meds and in two days time I was up to 7.9mm.  Tomorrow is my next appointment.  They did not increase my patches or meds.  If my lining thickened past 8mm then I will start the progesterone to prepare for transfer.  If my lining did not thicken, then this clinic is really not watching my levels closely which is how I've been feeling.

THINKING THICK.  If it's thick enough and I start the progesterone, then the transfer will be Sunday or Monday.

SR has another cold.  It never ends.

As for her hating the stroller, I am able to rationalize with her.  She says "stroller now, then walk."

I have so many more SR stories, but I have too much to do now to get ready for my very early wake up tomorrow morning.

A Day in our Lives - following the trend

Am loving this trend so much - I'm jumping on.

I'll give you a typical workday - I won't consider the days when I need to get SR up at the crack of dawn so that she can be at "school" for 7 so I can get to a monitoring session at the fertility clinic.

WORKDAY:

6:00 a.m. - I wake up and start getting ready for the day - I need to take my iron an hour before I eat breakfast - and when I'm back on the progesterone pills I need to take that an hour before also so I have to get up early.

I take my time between 6 and 7.  I usually pack my lunch and my snacks, watch the weather and breakfast television shows, or catch up on my recorded tv shows.  I may do marking or go on the computer for a few minutes.  I try to eat breakfast around 7 so I'm finished before SR wakes up.

approx 7:10 a.m. - SR usually wakes up at this time on her own.  She calls out "mommy, mommy" and then throws her baby Kaiya and her blankie on the floor of her crib.  This is usually followed by "Oh no, Kaiya on the floor!"  I QUICKLY poor her milk into her cup and put it in the microwave - I can hear SR saying "Milkie, in the microwave, lid on".  I go into her room and we have our morning routine.  I get huggies, then kisses, then nosie kiss, then cheek to cheek followed by a demand for her "milkie".

I carry her out to the living room (one floor condo) where she drinks her milk while sitting on my lap (I never get dressed before this stage or her milk drips on me) and we watch breakfast television and I watch the school day forecast.  I need this for my recess duty and for deciding how many layers SR needs.

I leave SR alone to make her morning poo - although she says "I'm making a fart" - and then I run around getting dressed and brushing my teeth and deciding what SR will wear to school for the day.  SR will brush her teeth or allow me to help her.

I get SR dressed and allow her to "throw the dirty diaper in the garbage."  SR has found the garbage and will take kleenex, pretend to wipe her nose, and run to the garbage, only to start all over again.

I put her into the stroller - she can walk down to the car but I can't carry everything I need and hold her hand, so I always use the stroller before and after school.  We put on our shoes and jackets and I grab the garbage to throw down the chute.

approx 7:45 a.m. - take the elevator to the parking garage.  SR is usually singing the "school, school, we're going to school" song that I made up.  She chats me up the whole way to the car.  I load us into the car - I need to wait for SR to lean out of her car seat (she still sits rear facing) to find whatever toy (dora doll), book (dora book), or blanket she wants to hold before I strap her in.  She then asks for her music to be played and usually tells me a specific song she wants to hear.  The car ride is only 2 minutes to her school.

7:50 a.m. - arrive at SR's school.  Go inside and "put stuff away" (SR's words) as she looks for Dora in the other cubbies for the other kids - some kids have Dora shoes/backpacks/helmets, etc.  We walk over to her classroom and I give and get kisses and huggies and run out the door back to my car.  Now it's my turn to have the radio - I listen to SIRIUS radio - Broadminded....love it but not enough time listening to them.

8:05 a.m. - arrive at my school - I work VERY close to home, but next city over - a 7 to ten minute drive.

3:45 - 4:00 p.m. - out the door to go see SR. Listen to SIRIUS radio - Dr. Laura - she totally is against Choice Moms, but I enjoy her so much otherwise.

4:15 p.m. - pick up SR at school and hear about her day.  Get her stuff from her cubby and walk out to the car - we have to stop to read the daycare parking signs - SR picks out all of the letters she recognizes.

Depends on the day if we go to my parents' for dinner or run an errand or just go home.  Right now my parents are in Israel.  Today we just came home.

4:30 p.m. - takes me a while to get home even though I live 30 seconds away.  I linger in the daycare a bit and ask about her day.  SR likes to play with her figurines - All of the Sesame Street characters and Dora - she role plays with them.  I make dinner and chat with SR.

5:15 p.m. - Dinner for both of us.  I will also use this time to check email and facebook on my cell phone.  We don't sit at the table, I use my breakfast bar and SR sits in her high chair right beside it.  When she finishes with a plate or bowl, she puts it on the counter.

5:45 p.m. - SR watches a little TV while I clean up from dinner.

6:00 p.m. - Walk in the condo lobby - SR loves to play with the shapes on the carpet, get the mail and throw the junk mail in the garbage, talk to the people and the concierge,  go up and down the 4 little stairs by the entrance.

6:30 p.m. - back upstairs for SR's bath time.  A quick bath (every other night) with playtime with her bath Dora figurines, or her "shower" (little cup with holes in the bottom that seem like a shower), or her letters to practise her letters, always followed by bubbles as we drain the water - SR is a big fan of her ear plugs now too, as she helps to put them in and put them away.

6:50 p.m. - Milkie - She walks with me to the kitchen and tells me what to do.  "Open the fridge.  Milkie.  Microwave.  Beep.  Lid On.  Pick you up."  We walk to the living room and SR drinks her milkie.  We brush her teeth and then settle in for her books.  Usually 3 or 4.  She chooses what she wants to read.  Will often read along with me.

7:15 p.m. - bedtime.  put socks on feet.  Cream on belly - when she was sick (which was a lot) I would put vicks baby rub on her chest.  But now it's part of the routine that there is "cream on belly" so I put a little hand lotion on her chest every night and she giggles.  Then music on, noise on (white noise machine) and I love you.  I shut the door completely to her room.  In a couple of hours I go in to put a warmer blanket on her, but she doesn't like starting with the warm blanket.

7:20 p.m.  - as soon as she goes down, I jump into the shower.  Sometimes I hear SR singing or chatting if she wasn't quite ready to sleep yet.  I bring the monitor into the bathroom to hear her.

The rest of the evening is mine to prepare food or clean up, do marking, or just sit and relax.