New Year's Eve

It's 9:47pm on New Year's Eve. I'm thinking about what this coming year, 2010, could hold for me...hopefully more happiness than tears...and I'm getting nervous about my appointment on Sunday...everything kind of lies in the whether or not the Clomid works or not! And I'm starting to doubt that this is possible...I read everyone's stories about how they had many many IUIs and none of them worked. What if this doesn't work for me and I spend thousands of my hard earned money trying for this. Hopefully some of this is covered by insurance, but the sperm is definitely not covered...that's a lot of tutoring. Who knows, maybe I'd be one of the lucky ones where it works in the first try...but when has that ever been me...the person to get lucky? I need to stay positive. I haven't even begun this journey yet to get down. Here's to 2010...perhaps by this time next year, I will be home with my baby...in my new home...starting my new life....here's hoping :)

Grow, grow, little eggs!!!

Today has been a very long day! I was at the clinic this morning for 9:10am - had my day 3 B/W and U/S. Today I had to pay for my upcoming IUI...fingers crossed. I also got my Clomid 100s prescription...hopefully this will work. Wouldn't it be something if I got pregnant on my first try? Wow, it certainly would take some of my stress away. Especially money wise. Then I could focus on saving for upcoming maternity clothes, baby needs, a new car, some furniture for my new place....but one hurdle at a time...and if I need to have several IUIs, then I will. I'm hopeful that my donor's swimmers will do their thing for me :) After all, that's one of the reasons I chose him.

After my U/S I spent the next 2 hours peeing and peeing and peeing, while I waited for my counselling session. The time went quickly, and soon I was meeting my very expensive counsellor. She was really nice and supportive. She talked to me about things like making sure my child gets DNA tests with his or her future partner, screening for all illnesses at the appropriate times b/c we don't know the father's full family history, and things to think about to explain my situation to parents of students so people aren't gossiping about me.

So, now I'm on the 100s of Clomid and thinking positive thoughts about my follicles growing and growing and growing...and hopefully, a week today (CD10), they'll notice some changes and I'll be ready to IUI around CD14. Wow...That's soooooo soon! I could be seeing my BFP around my birthday. And if not, try again! I must stay positive!

I got a great Christmas gift!!!

Okay, so I don't celebrate Christmas...but I woke up this morning with a visitor! AF finally arrived...I finally have a CD1...a real and true CD1! I called the clinic and left a message, b/c they aren't open on Christmas, saying that I need to book a CD3 appointment on Sunday. The problem is that I'm meeting with the Social Worker on Sunday too, and I don't want to have to keep leaving my appointment with her to go to the bathroom...those full bladder u/s are killer. So I asked if I could have an appointment as early as possible. I won't know until tomorrow...but I can't believe that this is really starting to happen.

Now I just need to think about if I want to order more sperm or take a chance that he'll still be waiting for me if I need more.

Oh no!!!

As I sit here waiting for AF to arrive...and she will arrive...she has to arrive....I wanted to share about an email I got today. Why can't things ever be easy?

Here's the email I received from the sperm bank today:


Good morning,

I just had some new information on donor ---- released to me. Donor ---- has left the program and he is no longer donating. All that he has left for units are 9 washed units.
If you are interested in using donor ---- in the future I would recommend purchasing some more units and placing them in reserve.
This will be totally up you of course, but I just thought I would let you know as I just received this information and remembered that you had just purchased some units.


So now I have to decide what to do...I can purchase more units and leave them in reserve in case I need them...knowing that if I don't want them anymore, I can get 50% back of my purchase price within two years...or I can let them go and take the chance that he won't be available if I need him.

I don't know what to do...I don't even have a cycle yet. I know that it takes the majority of women several tries to get PG...and I knew not to get attached to a donor...but he's so perfect! I have until after the holidays to decide b/c the sperm bank is closed. Maybe the answer will come to me.

Got My Donor!!!

Great news....not only was my donor available...he has already had NINE successful pregnancies...he has got some great swimmers! So two of his best vials of sperm will be travelling to M. tomorrow in the hopes that I ovulate over the holidays.

Onto even more exciting news...I think I'm coming down with a cold. How is that exciting? Well, before every AF, I always felt like I was coming down with a cold...so if the prevara worked this time, and I have cold-like symptoms...then AF must be on her way...which means CD3 here I come...closely followed by Clomid 100s...closely followed by my IUI!!! Hey, I know it's wishful thinking, but I don't think there is anything wrong with being positive about this situation. Positive thinking might just pull me through...might just get these little eggs to grow and release and conceive!

Woo hoo!

Choosing a Donor

This morning I had my appointment with the Nurse to discuss sperm donation. The entire conversation was only about 15 minutes long. But it got me on the track to go home and start searching. I immediately paid the $175 for the three month all access fee to one of the donor sites. I figured it would be worth my money considering each profile is around 30 dollars each. I definitely got my money's worth, b/c the donor that ended up my favourite I wasn't even going to consider. It's funny how once I got searching, the choice became more clear to me. I do want a donor that resembles my family b/c I want my baby to feel like he or she belongs to my family. Intelligence and health are important too. Plus attractiveness is also important...if I'm paying for the sperm then I can be selective. It was also a major plus if there were reported pregnancies or if the donor has his own children.

But now I'm caught in the crossroads of, if I really do ovulate this cycle then I need the sperm to be delivered NOW....b/c the banks close from December 24th to January 4th...If I ovulate on the 7th, and my day 3 is on Dec. 27th I won't get the sperm in time to inseminate.

I emailed the nurse tonight to ask her opinion. This is all happening so fast...Gifted testing was supposed to happen for my students on the 7th...is it possible that I will have to reschedule for another day?

I'm so excited...this could really be it! But I know I can't get too excited...it might not work...I might not ovulate...but it might not work...there is a very good possibility that it might not work...

There's hope after all!!!

This morning I had my review with Dr. D. and it went remarkably well. He went over all of my test results and they were positive. I have plenty of eggs, I am not in early menopause and my horomones are good. I do have an infection that can cause miscarriage, so he's going to treat that when my cycle finally starts.

I have been put back on the prevera to try to rejumpstart AF. Dr. D is hopeful that it will work this time. He even told me that it is time to make the appointment with the nurse to start talking about Sperm Donors and with the counsellor. If AF arrives, then I will go on a higher dose of clomid (100mg) and if I ovulate, then we can get started...it's all so exciting.

The problem now is that it's the Christmas break. I don't want my day 3 (or 4) to fall on a day when the office is closed. So, I don't want to start the medroxy until I know the hours at the Mississauga location. I even had them on the phone today, and I forgot to ask them.

Anyway, here's to a positive 2010...the year I will hopefully get pregnant and have my first child(ren???).

Still Not Growing

I guess positive thoughts aren't enough to make follicles grow. Yesterday, I went for another U/S. One follicle is just under 1cm...I think it was at 9.4mm. Unfortunately, the doctor wasn't in and I can't meet with him until next Wednesday...I guess it's a good thing he's not available tomorrow, b/c there's going to be a snow storm.

I know that once I am ovulating and getting monthly AF things will progress much faster...well, there will be the 2wws, but if they don't work, I'll immediately be back on track to have another IUI beginning.

So, here's to getting AF to come...next Wednesday, my hope is that Dr. D. will give me stronger drugs to get me to ovulate...and then, there's no holding me back :)

To occupy my time and keep my mind on other things, I am buying a new place...so I'll be busy getting packed up and dealing with everything involved in buying a new place...plus, it's one less thing to think about once I'm PG. I'll have the place and all I'll need to do is set up the room.

In the meantime, life goes on...I'm not going to stress about this. It's going to happen for me...it's my turn!

Thinking happy ovulation thoughts...

I know that it's probably wishful thinking...but, I am thinking happy thoughts of ovulation! Tomorrow morning I go in for my Day 18 U/S. If nothing has happened to my follicles, then we throw out this cycle and try something new...but, I'm really hoping that something has happened and that we can continue monitoring this cycle. So, I'm thinking happy thoughts of ovulation!

It's way past my bedtime as it is now 10:37, and I have to get up a little bit early to leave my place by 6:50. In the meantime, I am getting ready for my future life. Tomorrow I am going to hopefully be putting in an offer on a bigger condo...I'm a little nervous about if I can make the payments, but I know I can do it. It will make life much easier once I have the baby to have my parents so close by...especially if I plan on having a life outside of my child, they can come over and babysit very easily. Plus, it will be nice to have them nearby while I'm pregnant, b/c, let's face it, I'm doing this alone, and it's not going to be easy.

So, here's to happy thoughts of ovulation...grow, little follicles, grow!

Lots of Eggs...Nothing Growing

So, today was my pretend CD13...U/S and bloodwork. I was thinking positive thoughts all last night and this morning...thinking big, growing follicle thoughts...with no luck. The U/S tech told me that I have LOTS of follicles...but there are so many of them that there is no room for them to grow.

The doctor told me that he would like to see me Friday, but since that's only two days away, he's pretty certain that there will be no change, so no point in me coming in. So, I get to wait until Monday morning...lucky me.

He told me that if there's still no change we're going to cancel this cycle...if only life was that easy. "Oh, this _____________ isn't working...let's just cancel it." I don't know how he's planning on cancelling a cycle that isn't really happening anyway. I am assuming he will put me on a new drug (injectibles?) and start CD3 again. Ugh, that means another full bladder U/S.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try not to think about this. It just puts too much pressure on me, when there is nothing I can do at this point but wait patiently for AF to arrive.