I knew when I woke up this morning that the news wouldn't be good...my gut was feeling terrible, and it always does that when I'm nervous. I drove out to M. for a 7:30 appointment. I put on my Taylor Swift CD and sang the entire way there. It helps to have a favourite CD while driving to medical appointments. When I was going through my other stuff almost two years ago, I would put on Avril and belt out those lyrics..."I hate you now so go away from me!!!"
I was the first appointment of the morning. I felt happy during my U/S b/c the tech told me that I had LOTS of follicles....what she didn't mention is that they aren't growing. The doctor told me that the Clomid didn't seem to work and that nothing was happening. My follicles are not growing and I will not be ovulating. He wants to see me again Wed. morning for another U/S to continue to monitor me.
I am discouraged...my fairy tale of this going so smoothly is shattering before my eyes. I can't even ovulate....even with the help of meds that are supposed to do it for me. I'm eating more and working out less...trying to fatten up a bit to make this go more smoothly...but it's not working. And now that I've decided I'm ready to have a baby, I don't want to wait...
Now I need to find ways to keep myself busy b/c the waiting is going to ruin me. I think dating will be easier on me now too because I know there's no pressure on me to have kids or get married to anyone...maybe I should try spending time with some new people...hmmmmm.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Waiting Game
This post was originally written on Saturday, November 28, 2009.
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Today it’s been one year since the dizzies took over my life. Luckily, I’m feeling a lot better! But I’m feeling sad today. I’m finally going through the motions to start TTC, and now everything is a waiting game. I’m going to “wait” until my appointment tomorrow to see if the Clomid worked and I’ve started to produce follicles and then ovulate. I’ve got to “wait” until my period starts, hopefully another two weeks from now. Then I have to “wait” to see if I can start TTC.
I know it’s not realistic, but I’m secretly hoping that the doctor tomorrow tells me that I should start trying this cycle. Not that I’m in any position to do so. I haven’t spoken to a nurse yet or done the counseling thing. I haven’t begun looking into donors, other than just browsing the sites. And if tomorrow is Day 10, and I’m supposed to be ovulating between Day 14 and Day 19, there isn’t enough time. It would have been fabulous to get pregnant this cycle though because then I would be on mat leave from August to August and I wouldn’t have to leave partway through the school year.
My next dream, that could be realistic if the office is open, is to TTC over the xmas break. There would be no need to be late for work. I could go in for monitoring every day over the holidays, no problem. That would be VERY convenient. And imagine if it worked right away.
I think I’m mostly down because this week I spoke to A. on the phone about her journey. She seems to have it made. She went off the pill in September. Had her first IUI in October with Clomid. Switched to injectibles and had her second IUI in November…and she got a BFP! I feel so glad that this process works...but...could I be that lucky? Could I maybe get pregnant around the same time as M. and we could go through it together? Or even at the same time as S.? I feel this pressure for things to happen immediately. I can see how people get caught up in this moment…and there’s so much waiting. I don’t even have AF yet…I don’t know if AF is even going to come…she didn’t after the Prevara…
UGH! I hate waiting!!!
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Today it’s been one year since the dizzies took over my life. Luckily, I’m feeling a lot better! But I’m feeling sad today. I’m finally going through the motions to start TTC, and now everything is a waiting game. I’m going to “wait” until my appointment tomorrow to see if the Clomid worked and I’ve started to produce follicles and then ovulate. I’ve got to “wait” until my period starts, hopefully another two weeks from now. Then I have to “wait” to see if I can start TTC.
I know it’s not realistic, but I’m secretly hoping that the doctor tomorrow tells me that I should start trying this cycle. Not that I’m in any position to do so. I haven’t spoken to a nurse yet or done the counseling thing. I haven’t begun looking into donors, other than just browsing the sites. And if tomorrow is Day 10, and I’m supposed to be ovulating between Day 14 and Day 19, there isn’t enough time. It would have been fabulous to get pregnant this cycle though because then I would be on mat leave from August to August and I wouldn’t have to leave partway through the school year.
My next dream, that could be realistic if the office is open, is to TTC over the xmas break. There would be no need to be late for work. I could go in for monitoring every day over the holidays, no problem. That would be VERY convenient. And imagine if it worked right away.
I think I’m mostly down because this week I spoke to A. on the phone about her journey. She seems to have it made. She went off the pill in September. Had her first IUI in October with Clomid. Switched to injectibles and had her second IUI in November…and she got a BFP! I feel so glad that this process works...but...could I be that lucky? Could I maybe get pregnant around the same time as M. and we could go through it together? Or even at the same time as S.? I feel this pressure for things to happen immediately. I can see how people get caught up in this moment…and there’s so much waiting. I don’t even have AF yet…I don’t know if AF is even going to come…she didn’t after the Prevara…
UGH! I hate waiting!!!
sono-hysto-OUCH!
This post was originally written on Wednesday, November 25, 2009.
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This morning I headed out to W. for my 7:30 “sono”. I didn’t know what I was in for, just that I hoped that I was taken in on time so I could get to work on time. I had to pay $50 for this procedure, and it wasn’t until I looked at the receipt that I began to get nervous…I didn’t know that I had signed myself up for the sonohystogram….and I guess it’s a good thing b/c I would have made myself really nervous about it.
I arrived at the office at 7:20…and I sat, and sat, and sat…I watched the clock…and I listened as the receptionist called the M. office to let them know that they didn’t have….MY FILE???? …and that they couldn’t register me without it….tick tick tick….the time was getting closer to 8am.
Finally a fax came in and the nurse took me into the ultrasound room. I had to do the usual strip from the waist down and sit on the bed. The nurse came back and did the internal, which hurt, before the doctor came in to do the “sono” on me.
The shg consists of inserting a catheter around my cervix and then shooting a saline solution into my uterus and watching it with the trans-vag wand….in other words….OUCH! The doctor had to try three times before he could even get the catheter into the correct place…then I had very intense cramping as they shot the saline into my uterus. Luckily, everything checks out as normal. So it’s just my PCOS that I need to worry about.
Tomorrow is my last day of Clomid…I go back to M. Sunday morning for another U/S and to talk to the doctor. Now it’s time to get serious about where to go from here. I don’t want to start paying to look at donor profiles until I’m ready to order…and, one of the banks is closed for the two week x-mas break…so I better get what I need before then if it’s a time that I might be TTC.
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This morning I headed out to W. for my 7:30 “sono”. I didn’t know what I was in for, just that I hoped that I was taken in on time so I could get to work on time. I had to pay $50 for this procedure, and it wasn’t until I looked at the receipt that I began to get nervous…I didn’t know that I had signed myself up for the sonohystogram….and I guess it’s a good thing b/c I would have made myself really nervous about it.
I arrived at the office at 7:20…and I sat, and sat, and sat…I watched the clock…and I listened as the receptionist called the M. office to let them know that they didn’t have….MY FILE???? …and that they couldn’t register me without it….tick tick tick….the time was getting closer to 8am.
Finally a fax came in and the nurse took me into the ultrasound room. I had to do the usual strip from the waist down and sit on the bed. The nurse came back and did the internal, which hurt, before the doctor came in to do the “sono” on me.
The shg consists of inserting a catheter around my cervix and then shooting a saline solution into my uterus and watching it with the trans-vag wand….in other words….OUCH! The doctor had to try three times before he could even get the catheter into the correct place…then I had very intense cramping as they shot the saline into my uterus. Luckily, everything checks out as normal. So it’s just my PCOS that I need to worry about.
Tomorrow is my last day of Clomid…I go back to M. Sunday morning for another U/S and to talk to the doctor. Now it’s time to get serious about where to go from here. I don’t want to start paying to look at donor profiles until I’m ready to order…and, one of the banks is closed for the two week x-mas break…so I better get what I need before then if it’s a time that I might be TTC.
No sign of AF - Meds not working
This post was originally written on Sunday, November 22, 2009.
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This weekend, Saturday and Sunday, I went to the RE office in M. It turns out that the magical medicine that was supposed to bring on AF didn’t work. So I had to go in and see the doctor once more.
My appointment was scheduled for 10:45am, but I wasn’t seen until almost noon. So much for the Saturday morning gym class…I made up an excuse that was partly true about my allergic reaction to the H1N1 vaccine and that the benedryl knocked me out so I couldn’t function in the morning. I thought the doctor was going to put me back on the AF meds for longer, and that this whole process would be even more delayed. But that wasn’t the case. The doctor told me to come back in today, Sunday, for a FULL BLADDER ultrasound.
I thought I was going to have to wait until Monday for the appointment, because the receptionist told me there were no appointments available for Sunday. That would have been really frustrating because I would have had to go into school today to set up for a supply teacher for Monday. Luckily, the clinic called me to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant, according to my blood work….DUH!!! I took that opportunity to speak to the nurse about any possible cancellations for Sunday. They managed to squeeze me in.
So at 8am this morning, I left my place with two full bottles of water with Crystal Light flavouring, and filled my bladder while I drove back to M. Two bottles of water is more than I drink in a week!!! I had a regular ultrasound and a trans-vag…they discovered that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)…so I have lots of little follicles but they aren’t growing or being released.
I have now been started on 5 days of Clomid….getting me to ovulate and starting the process…it’s all happening so fast…I’m already slotted in for a sonogram and an ultrasound for this Wednesday and next Sunday morning (before the gym so I don’t need to make any more excuses).
Here’s hoping the Clomid works….next step…choosing a donor!
----
This weekend, Saturday and Sunday, I went to the RE office in M. It turns out that the magical medicine that was supposed to bring on AF didn’t work. So I had to go in and see the doctor once more.
My appointment was scheduled for 10:45am, but I wasn’t seen until almost noon. So much for the Saturday morning gym class…I made up an excuse that was partly true about my allergic reaction to the H1N1 vaccine and that the benedryl knocked me out so I couldn’t function in the morning. I thought the doctor was going to put me back on the AF meds for longer, and that this whole process would be even more delayed. But that wasn’t the case. The doctor told me to come back in today, Sunday, for a FULL BLADDER ultrasound.
I thought I was going to have to wait until Monday for the appointment, because the receptionist told me there were no appointments available for Sunday. That would have been really frustrating because I would have had to go into school today to set up for a supply teacher for Monday. Luckily, the clinic called me to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant, according to my blood work….DUH!!! I took that opportunity to speak to the nurse about any possible cancellations for Sunday. They managed to squeeze me in.
So at 8am this morning, I left my place with two full bottles of water with Crystal Light flavouring, and filled my bladder while I drove back to M. Two bottles of water is more than I drink in a week!!! I had a regular ultrasound and a trans-vag…they discovered that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)…so I have lots of little follicles but they aren’t growing or being released.
I have now been started on 5 days of Clomid….getting me to ovulate and starting the process…it’s all happening so fast…I’m already slotted in for a sonogram and an ultrasound for this Wednesday and next Sunday morning (before the gym so I don’t need to make any more excuses).
Here’s hoping the Clomid works….next step…choosing a donor!
First Impressions - Nov 4, 2009
This post was originally written on Wednesday, November 4th after my first visit to my RE.
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At 9:00am I got into my car and started to drive to the place that will soon become like a second home to me. I had Taylor Swift playing in the CD player and I sang along so I wouldn’t be nervous. But, it’s funny, I wasn’t feeling nervous at all, just excited for my new life to begin. After the last two years of going to medical appointments to make me well, this time I was going to a medical appointment that I wanted to be going to for me!
I found the building easily and was soon seated in the neutral coloured waiting room. The staff seemed pleasant and friendly and the doctor walked by and waived at a patient waiting. She happened to be wearing the same hoodie as me, too :). I had brought a book to read, but I wasn’t able to read more than two pages. It was probably because I haven’t been enjoying the book as it is, but I was also feeling too distracted to even browse the magazines.
Even though I was one of the first to arrive to the waiting room, I was one of the last taken. I think that was because most people were there for monitoring and I was a new patient. One neat thing that happened was a couple with a baby came in to thank the staff and to bring a picture for the wall of celebrations. They were so grateful to the staff and the doctor. It was really nice to see.
When it was finally my turn, the doctor introduced himself, shook my hand (in these days of H1N1?!?), and apologized for being delayed.
He went through my medical history and told me quickly about sperm banks. I will definitely need someone to talk to me more slowly about that. He also told me that I will need to meet with a social worker as do all of the patients in the clinic. After that, I had a physical and then had about 10 vials of blood drawn.
Before I knew it, I was on my way home. I am currently on meds to bring on AF so that I can be monitored. So now my biggest worries are is this monitoring going to affect my Remembrance Day presentation and the trip to Pioneer Village? Plus, I have parent-teacher interviews coming up soon.
All in all, I have now moved out of the “Thinking” phase into the “Trying” phase. I have three new books on this topic to keep me occupied, and hopefully start lulling me into an earlier bedtime.
-----
At 9:00am I got into my car and started to drive to the place that will soon become like a second home to me. I had Taylor Swift playing in the CD player and I sang along so I wouldn’t be nervous. But, it’s funny, I wasn’t feeling nervous at all, just excited for my new life to begin. After the last two years of going to medical appointments to make me well, this time I was going to a medical appointment that I wanted to be going to for me!
I found the building easily and was soon seated in the neutral coloured waiting room. The staff seemed pleasant and friendly and the doctor walked by and waived at a patient waiting. She happened to be wearing the same hoodie as me, too :). I had brought a book to read, but I wasn’t able to read more than two pages. It was probably because I haven’t been enjoying the book as it is, but I was also feeling too distracted to even browse the magazines.
Even though I was one of the first to arrive to the waiting room, I was one of the last taken. I think that was because most people were there for monitoring and I was a new patient. One neat thing that happened was a couple with a baby came in to thank the staff and to bring a picture for the wall of celebrations. They were so grateful to the staff and the doctor. It was really nice to see.
When it was finally my turn, the doctor introduced himself, shook my hand (in these days of H1N1?!?), and apologized for being delayed.
He went through my medical history and told me quickly about sperm banks. I will definitely need someone to talk to me more slowly about that. He also told me that I will need to meet with a social worker as do all of the patients in the clinic. After that, I had a physical and then had about 10 vials of blood drawn.
Before I knew it, I was on my way home. I am currently on meds to bring on AF so that I can be monitored. So now my biggest worries are is this monitoring going to affect my Remembrance Day presentation and the trip to Pioneer Village? Plus, I have parent-teacher interviews coming up soon.
All in all, I have now moved out of the “Thinking” phase into the “Trying” phase. I have three new books on this topic to keep me occupied, and hopefully start lulling me into an earlier bedtime.
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