Saturday Morning Update

What a week!  I'm so glad to be heading into March, my favourite month.  I'm nearing the end of J's Saturday car nap, so I better try to get a blog in and catch up on my reading.

I still cannot stop thinking about poor Elijah Marsh (today was his funeral) and the bitter cold night he was out in only a diaper and t-shirt.  Every morning, as I walk into school fully dressed in winter wear, and thinking about how cold it is, I start to cry about how much the cold must have hurt his little body.  And when SR says "I'm cold" as she gets out of the bath, or feels it on her fingers, I now find myself telling her, "No, you don't know what cold is."  And yet, I'm always cold...always chilled....but I truly don't know cold.  So sad.  So terribly sad.

My SR had a bit of a bad spell last night.  In her defense, she was likely tired and is fighting a cold.  However, her little verbal attacks at mommy took a not very nice turn.

Lately, whenever SR is frustrated or angry with me she will call out things like:

• You're a mean mommy.
• You're a BABY.
• That's a mean voice.
• I'm going to spit on you.
• I'm going to kick you.

I mean, on one hand, she's trying to express her anger for whatever little thing I've told her.  I'm not sure where she's learning to say things specific things.  I do have to try to maintain my composure most of the time, because she's just so darn cute as she screams at me.  I can only imagine what names she'll call me when she has more selection of mean things to say....I'm surprised "baby" is an insult to her.

At one point last night, she said something to my mom that was just so grown up and my mom and I couldn't contain our delight.  Which only angered her more, as she screamed "stop laughing at me."  We were not laughing at her....just simply how delightful her expressions are.  Poor thing.

Until she threw something in my face (ouch).  Then she didn't listen when I asked her to calm down on the couch at my parents' house and she ran off screaming "I won't sit on the couch."  When I got her into the car, she slapped my cheeks as I was putting on her seatbelt and said "I'm going to call the police and have them put you in jail."  Wow...all of this was unprompted....I hadn't asked her to do something or done anything.  She was just in a mood.

I do try to use gentle parenting whenever I can.  So as we were driving home, I did not turn the music on (poor J-Bear had to suffer too), and I told her there would be no books that night.  We also talked about who goes to jail (because I didn't even know she knew about jail or police), and I asked her who would take care of her if I was in jail, or not here with her.  She didn't like that at all.  In the end, she said she was sorry and she was affectionate.  Sigh, girls and their dramatics!

I don't want to only share unpleasant stories.  My little SR is really sweet and loving.  She often goes up to J-Bear and gives him her own treats, or gives him kisses.  He just loves her.  He follows her around everywhere and does anything she asks of him.  SR is taking an interest in writing now and is using her knowledge of sight words to read.  What a personality.  

As for J-Bear, I think he's going to be an engineer (or some other job that enjoys taking things apart and putting them back together).  He now walks around with his "med med" old puffers.  He takes all of the parts apart and puts them back together.  He's got such a sense of humour and he laughs and laughs.  His daycare says he's nothing like SR was at this age - she was more serious they say.  Well, I guess so, because she wasn't moving around so much - she just enjoyed sitting and taking everything in and having philosophical discussions.  J nurses and nurses and nurses at night.  He needs my left arm to snuggle with.  How do I break this habit, or do I even want to?   

Walmart had a free photo shoot with one pose.  This was our selection.  At lease we are all looking at the camera.  

Okay, it's 2pm...I have a 3pm bank appointment.  I better do a little more work or blog reading before J wakes up.  See you next Saturday :)

Feeling like an exhausted and emotional superwoman!

Here I am, sitting in the car while J-Bear naps.  Laptop leaning against the steering wheel.  Snow steadily falling.  Coffee beside me.  Blogging to begin.

It's been an emotional few days.  Those of you who aren't in the Greater Toronto Area wouldn't necessarily know the terrible story of a three year old boy who left his grandmother's apartment at 4am in the frigid temperatures wearing only a pull up, t-shirt, and boots.  He was found 300m away 6 hours later.  I can't stop thinking about him and his family.  My only way to understand this is that it was late and cold and he just curled up and went to sleep without suffering.  The cold has been so intense that there have been cold weather alerts for days - students haven't played outside during recess, fingers are frozen through gloves within seconds.  And the poor family - waking up to find out they will never see their little man again.  How will they cope?

And then, something terrible happened in my classroom yesterday.  I can't blog about it as it is confidential.  But it makes me think about how we send our children to school and expect them to be safe and treated well.  I'm not sure what I would do or how I would react if I got a phone call about something happening to my child.  I'd be on the phone with the trustee, the superintendent, the principal, demanding action.  Demanding that my child be safe in the classroom.  As I explained to the mother last night (I called home at 9:30pm), I try to take care of these kids as if they are my own children, as I hope my children's teachers take care of them when they are not in my care.

Severe sleep deprivation and emotions running high.  And then SR wakes up this morning saying she can't walk - can't put pressure on her right leg - but she was okay to crawl around on the floor.  I didn't know if she was being over dramatic (she's pretty dramatic) or serious.  But she had to miss her fitness class this morning with her best friend, A, and miss going with him to the library after.  If she's too uncomfortable to do that, then I had to take her seriously.  Our doctor's office was closed, but we got an appointment with the pediatrician on call at another office.

My plan was to take the double stroller, because S couldn't "walk, and then I could safely get the kids into the doctor.  But as I went to look at the double stroller in the garage, I was going to inspect it for mouse droppings (there are traps in my garage, but it hasn't been opened since the fall), I moved the stroller and saw what looked like a clump of hair/fur on the floor.  In typical girl fashion, I panicked and decided I did not want to see what was inside the stroller (my strong daddy can come over and open the stroller tomorrow to make sure there's nothing there), and I decided to take my chances letting J run and pushing the 4 year old in the single stroller.

Here's where Superwoman comes in.  I had J-Bear on his new leash harness, and SR in the stroller.  He was running and falling, while I tried to steer the stroller.  I got us into the elevator (by asking someone who was getting off if they wouldn't mind holding it open for me - um, hello common sense people just watching me struggle), up to the doctor and through the door.  Shoes have to be taken off there and strollers left in the wait room.  I'm carrying my 4 year old into the dr room, and J starts freaking out thinking he's getting checked out by a stranger.  Trying to keep J from climbing the stairs to the bed while S is being examined.  Then we have to make our way to the xray room to have her knee checked out.  J in stroller, s on the xray bed, and I had to trust the tech with my daughter b/c J couldn't be in the room and he wouldn't let me go in and be left with a stranger.  The walk back to the dr office, I decided to keep J in the stroller and I carried S in a cradle hold while pushing the stroller - hence superwoman.

AND SHE'S FINE!!!!

I get to my parents' place and my dad was still at the synagogue, S went inside for lunch, and J is napping.  So I decide to shovel their driveway, as I know my neighbours are doing my drive.  Something nice.  My dad walks up, their drive is huge, and I'm almost done.  No thank you, just "oh, the service guy will be coming soon.  You don't have to do this."  My dad loves to shovel, but he had surgery this winter and so hired a company this year.

So that's my update.

Loving being a mommy.  Would love a little more sleep.  Glad to be on blogger.  This outlet helps so much.

February Update

This is my new favourite way to spend me time.  On Saturdays, SR has a morning program.  J-Bear gets to run around while we wait for her - today was the first day I had him in his leash harness (I have become that parent...he doesn't want to walk or hold my hand).  Then we go with SR's friend and his mom to the library.  By the time we leave at noon, J-Bear falls asleep in the car, and I drop SR at my parents' house for lunch.  I bring my laptop, listen to the radio, and either do work or spend some "me time" surfing the net.  For the past few weeks I worked on report cards.  It's the only time I have nothing else to do but sit and get something done.  Stuck in the car, with J sleeping in the back.

And so here I sit, catching up on facebook, and blogs, and I can actually write a little bit.

Something that's been bothering me for a while...I feel that I worry about "what ifs" way too much now.  What if I fall in the shower, or down the stairs while the kids are sleeping?  All of the horrible things, happening in the world - needless deaths in random places.  How would I cope?  How do these families cope?  I can't think about grief of others for one second.  I'm realizing more and more that life is too short.  All of a sudden, it slaps me in the face that this is it...my one and only life....and that I'm not young anymore....my parents aren't young anymore....how will we all one day not be here?  Are these thoughts even normal?

And then, last Sunday, J-Bear fell in the kitchen.  I called for SR to get the ice pack, as I regularly do, but when I went to scoop J up, he had that look on his face of "I'm trying to cry but I can't get it out" before falling limp in my arms, unconscious.

I think I screamed "I'm calling 9-1-1." Which freaked SR out, because she now knows how to use the telephone and I have taught her to call if I ever fall and hit my head.  J is totally fine, but we spent all day in the hospital to have him monitored.  I stayed calm, but when the ambulance came, I was so frazzled before going with them.  I didn't know where anything was, I couldn't get us out the door.  It was a little embarrassing, but I'm sure they've seen worse.

This boy has had two ambulance rides and 4 hospital visits in 19 months!  He keeps me busy!

These kids are so delicious.  But I'm exhausted.  I can't get anything done other than going to work and coming home.  My parents are such a support to me, getting me groceries and things that I need.  J still sleeps with me and wakes up several times a night to nurse.  S wakes up and calls "Mommy, I need you."  That's hilarious - I quickly lower the monitor down so J doesn't wake up, and pile the bed with pillows so J doesn't fall out on my side, and run to her.  Deal with her, be it the covers are tangled or she wants a clean pull up, or something startled her (my pail jumped up from my floor onto my shelf.  No, S, your pail is still on the floor).  Some nights, she calls me multiple times in a short period.  J will sleep through those, only to wake up just as I fall asleep an hour later.  But I remind myself that this time is fleeting, and it's not worth getting upset about it.  What is sleep?

What is sleep?  I used to cry all day if I didn't get 8 hours a night.  Now I function on much less.  But do I function?  Lately I find I'm forgetful - hopefully getting some sleep will help this problem and that it's not a sign of something I dread.

So, SR is loving Junior Kindergarten.  Her fine motor skills are very weak, but the private school she's in has been all over it from day one.  J just transfered into the toddler room at his daycare - it was a rough transition.  He was really sick the week before (hives all over followed by full body rash), and did not like being with new teachers.  But this week seemed to go much smoother.  He has asthma and his pediatrician still does not recommend a specialist.  (He's waking up - do I drive around or let him wake up and take him in for lunch? - I drove around, he went back to sleep).

J loves Sesame street - he can name all of the characters in his own special way.  He also knows his name, SR's, and my parents and me.  He loves communicating, but will also point and grunt if he doesn't have a sign or a word.  SR at this age was speaking full sentences - girls and boys are so different.

I'm going to stop here.  J will be up for real soon.  I'm just glad that I got to blog :)