February Update

This is my new favourite way to spend me time.  On Saturdays, SR has a morning program.  J-Bear gets to run around while we wait for her - today was the first day I had him in his leash harness (I have become that parent...he doesn't want to walk or hold my hand).  Then we go with SR's friend and his mom to the library.  By the time we leave at noon, J-Bear falls asleep in the car, and I drop SR at my parents' house for lunch.  I bring my laptop, listen to the radio, and either do work or spend some "me time" surfing the net.  For the past few weeks I worked on report cards.  It's the only time I have nothing else to do but sit and get something done.  Stuck in the car, with J sleeping in the back.

And so here I sit, catching up on facebook, and blogs, and I can actually write a little bit.

Something that's been bothering me for a while...I feel that I worry about "what ifs" way too much now.  What if I fall in the shower, or down the stairs while the kids are sleeping?  All of the horrible things, happening in the world - needless deaths in random places.  How would I cope?  How do these families cope?  I can't think about grief of others for one second.  I'm realizing more and more that life is too short.  All of a sudden, it slaps me in the face that this is it...my one and only life....and that I'm not young anymore....my parents aren't young anymore....how will we all one day not be here?  Are these thoughts even normal?

And then, last Sunday, J-Bear fell in the kitchen.  I called for SR to get the ice pack, as I regularly do, but when I went to scoop J up, he had that look on his face of "I'm trying to cry but I can't get it out" before falling limp in my arms, unconscious.

I think I screamed "I'm calling 9-1-1." Which freaked SR out, because she now knows how to use the telephone and I have taught her to call if I ever fall and hit my head.  J is totally fine, but we spent all day in the hospital to have him monitored.  I stayed calm, but when the ambulance came, I was so frazzled before going with them.  I didn't know where anything was, I couldn't get us out the door.  It was a little embarrassing, but I'm sure they've seen worse.

This boy has had two ambulance rides and 4 hospital visits in 19 months!  He keeps me busy!

These kids are so delicious.  But I'm exhausted.  I can't get anything done other than going to work and coming home.  My parents are such a support to me, getting me groceries and things that I need.  J still sleeps with me and wakes up several times a night to nurse.  S wakes up and calls "Mommy, I need you."  That's hilarious - I quickly lower the monitor down so J doesn't wake up, and pile the bed with pillows so J doesn't fall out on my side, and run to her.  Deal with her, be it the covers are tangled or she wants a clean pull up, or something startled her (my pail jumped up from my floor onto my shelf.  No, S, your pail is still on the floor).  Some nights, she calls me multiple times in a short period.  J will sleep through those, only to wake up just as I fall asleep an hour later.  But I remind myself that this time is fleeting, and it's not worth getting upset about it.  What is sleep?

What is sleep?  I used to cry all day if I didn't get 8 hours a night.  Now I function on much less.  But do I function?  Lately I find I'm forgetful - hopefully getting some sleep will help this problem and that it's not a sign of something I dread.

So, SR is loving Junior Kindergarten.  Her fine motor skills are very weak, but the private school she's in has been all over it from day one.  J just transfered into the toddler room at his daycare - it was a rough transition.  He was really sick the week before (hives all over followed by full body rash), and did not like being with new teachers.  But this week seemed to go much smoother.  He has asthma and his pediatrician still does not recommend a specialist.  (He's waking up - do I drive around or let him wake up and take him in for lunch? - I drove around, he went back to sleep).

J loves Sesame street - he can name all of the characters in his own special way.  He also knows his name, SR's, and my parents and me.  He loves communicating, but will also point and grunt if he doesn't have a sign or a word.  SR at this age was speaking full sentences - girls and boys are so different.

I'm going to stop here.  J will be up for real soon.  I'm just glad that I got to blog :)