A VERY emotional night

I've wanted to write this blog since 4:29am...and this is the first chance I have had to sit down and type (10:37pm).

As previously written, J-Bear is a TERRIBLE sleeper.  I now have to nurse him several times and talk on the phone for him to finally settled down, in my bed, for a couple of hours.  Then I run upstairs at his first stir, so he doesn't climb out of my bed, and nurse him again.  When I go to sleep, he often wakes up a couple of times to nurse again.  I know that this is just bad sleep teaching....but it's the best I can do right now.

Last night, I miraculously got J-Bear to bed at a reasonable time....8ish.  I decided not to shower last night and tried to put J down earlier instead.  When I went to bed, he didn't wake up....I'm pretty sure he was on his way to sleeping through the night...although he may have woken up once and I just don't remember.

In any case, SR came running into my room at 4:29am.  She NEVER leaves her bed before 7am.  She knows to call me.  And even at 7, she often calls, "Mommy, it's 7!"  I woke quickly to the pitter patter of little feet, but I didn't get the chance to stop her.  She pounced into my bed and startled J-Bear awake.

Now I get it....poor SR sleeps alone, which she has always loved - she never wanted to share a room or bed with me.  Even when she was J-Bear's age and was getting chronic ear infections, she wanted to hang out in my bed until the advil kicked in and then she asked for her bed.  But I guess now that she knows her brother sleeps with mommy, she's feeling left out.  Plus, J-Bear gets to watch Sesame Street some mornings while SR is still sleeping.

SR jumped into my bed, and her and J started playing and laughing.  IT'S 4:30 IN THE MORNING!  I NEED SLEEP!!!!!!!  I was very kind and spoke quietly to her.  I thought that maybe she forgot to look at her clock and didn't realize that it wasn't seven yet.  Nope, she said she knew what time it was.  I told her that J was sleeping and he never sleeps and that I was sleeping.  SR started to cry and yell at me.  She told me, "you are a very mean mommy.  You always hurt me and hurt my feelings!"

Now, as a rational adult, I know that she is a newly turned 4 year old.  She is probably a little jealous of J-Bear's time with mommy, although SR gets so much more quality time with me than he does with me taking her to daycare before kindergarten every day while my dad takes J, and we often go out just the two of us.  And she probably doesn't see how caring and loving I am with her.  And sometimes I speak sternly to her and sometimes she says I hurt her when I'm doing up her seatbelt or brushing her hair.  But I don't ever mean to hurt her feelings or her...ever.

And at 4:29, my feelings were just crushed beyond belief.  I burst into tears.  Call it severe exhaustion from running to her every night while trying not let J hear us so he doesn't try to crawl out of my bed and then nursing him throughout the night.  Working full time.  Making lunches (grrrr).  Cleaning up.  Laundry.  But I am doing so much and still giving her and J-Bear all of the time I can.  And she doesn't see it....and I know she's 4.

I finally put J in the pack and play in my room and took SR back to her room.  I was still sobbing.  I tried to explain to her how much I love her and how I never ever want her to be hurt and how tired I am.  She was basically sleeping already while I bawled.

And then, I had to try to get J to go back to sleep...and that took until 6am...with SR coming back into us at 7 (J was already up anyway).

I tried again to explain myself to her.  Her response was a typical 14  4 year old's.  "I already said sorry, mommy."

This job of being a Choice Mom of two is HARD!!!!  My hat goes off to all of you no matter how many kids you have!!!