My last week in my home...

It's funny how during the days, when I so badly want to blog but don't have the time, I have the most profound/eloquent thoughts that would read beautifully in my blog.  And yet, by the time I sit down to type, nothing comes out the way I intended, either due to the thought passing or my being too tired.

In any case, this is the last Tuesday I will spend in my condo.  I move next Monday.  Up until this point, I was feeling excited about getting out of my condo.  Lately, there have been more negatives than positives and I just don't feel like this is our home anymore - SR used to hug the door and say "home" after running from the elevator.  But reflecting now on my 4 years here, I see how much my life has changed.

I bought my condo in the construction phase while just deciding to become a Choice Mom.  I sold my one bedroom and moved in with my parents while my current condo was being built.  When I finally moved in, May 2010, I was very very very newly pregnant with SR - so new that I was still going for Beta/HCG testing every two days.  I moved into this condo a single woman, filled with so many questions about what my life as a choice mom would be like.  I leave here with my family!!!  My overly dramatic and talented three year old SR and my cute as a button, already on the move, doesn't eat or sleep J-Bear.  I created two lives since moving here.  This is the only home they know.

SR learned her numbers riding the elevators day after day.  She performed in the lobby many times.  She puts on her "hallway clothes" to walk my mom to the elevators or to walk/run in the lobby - the definition of hallway clothes:  the most ridiculous looking get-ups by mixing a variety of hats, scarves, purses, sunglasses, sweaters and walking around in public hallways....

It is our home - our small home, but it's been a wonderful start for us.  

I'm only moving 10 minutes (more in rush hour) north of here.  I work across the street (basically) and I always said how close I live to work....so why all of a sudden, does it feel like I'm moving so far?  Today I'm feeling anxious about moving far away from my parents - far because they won't be around the corner anymore.  I'm giving up a lot of help - if I stayed in this area, my dad would have taken J-Bear to daycare every morning, while I took SR to school - one drop off versus two.  If I stayed in this area, it's easy to drop my kids off at my parents' house if they are sick as it's right here.  If I stayed in this area, J-Bear could go to the daycare/preschool that SR has been at for 2 1/2 years...instead, he will start there and then I will transition him 2 months later into a centre closer to my new home - a baby in a toddler room.  And SR thrived in this centre, not to say J-Bear won't thrive in his new centre....but he does have to adjust to two different daycare centres in two short months - how fair is that? :(

But the opportunity to buy this house from a fellow choice mom without any agent's commissions was a great opportunity.  The house is not even 6 years old.  It's a really spacious town house, and it's in a nice neighbourhood.  I have one VERY close friend on the street, and two other friends/acquaintances.  Although SR may go to private school for Junior and Senior Kindergarten, the public school in the area is so brand new, they are still building it.  She will definitely be there for grade 1 and maybe for JK in the fall.  There is a brand new park beside the school, right around the corner from this house.  I can picture us making wonderful memories and friendships.  

But I also have to learn to stand alone - my mom can schlep down to me each night at dinner in rush hour wall to wall traffic (a ten minute drive becomes much longer).  It's not a condo, so if something goes wrong, I need to figure out a way to fix it without calling the superintendent.  I need to clean a house double the size of my condo.  

But we will have a place to keep our bikes, rather than going to my parents' place to ride bikes.  We can keep the baby pool in the back yard, rather than me begging my parents to fill it so we can come over to play.  We can step outside to get fresh air, rather than getting all dressed and walking through the whole building just to get outside.

SR loves looking out the window while she eats her meals.  She comments on the traffic, the weather, the airplanes, the birds.  In our house, she'll see our backyard.  But, J-Bear will soon be sitting with her and they will soon engage in their own silliness together and she'll forget all about what she used to do.  

So many thoughts....so much to worry about.  In the meantime, I'm moving into my parents' house next Monday.  I close on my current home on Tuesday, and on my new home on Wednesday.  Then I will do some little things in the home to prepare before I book the movers.  I already have the cleaners coming next Thursday.  

And now it's 10:00pm....I still haven't cleaned up from dinner.  I still haven't gone through all the papers I intended to go through/pack tonight....and J-Bear wakes up every two hours.  Everything into the dishwasher and I'll wipe down the table in the morning.  I'm glad I got to blog tonight!  It's nice to have a computer.

Worst Sore Throat EVER!!!

Last night was the worst night - I couldn't swallow at all and my ears were killing me.  I didn't have a fever but I had chills.  I'm not sure how I got sick when my kids are okay (J still has his never ending cough) and I'm not at work.  I got myself seen by a walk-in clinic today as my doctor was off for Passover and had to have the rapid strep test.

I hate throat swabs - stick me with needles for fertility, cut me open for c-sections, but don't stick a little q-tip in my mouth.  I warned the doctor that I wasn't great with it, and I ended up holding her arm the entire swab.  Sure enough I tested positive for strep.

I told her my medicine allergies and she asked if I was allergic to penicillin.  I told her I wasn't....how was I to know that Ceclor is in the Penicillin family?  She gave me a script for Amoxicillin and sent me on my way.  But the pharmacist told me I couldn't take Amoxil because it has a same ingredient as the ceclor....and apparently I haven't filled any penicillin scripts there in all the years I've been going there.  But the walk-in was closed and the Doctor had already left.

So here I am, heading into another night with the worst sore throat, knowing I have Strep and trying not to expose my kids to it, and not started the meds yet.

Tomorrow morning I have to get back to this walk-in clinic and hope I get something I can take.

But as if it's not hard enough to be sick and taking care of kids, my dad starts in on me with the "And this is why you need a husband."  I hate that my parents start their preaching only when something is going wrong.  They are such an amazing support to me....EXCEPT when I actually need their support, like when I'm sick.

As if it's not enough...

I SHOULD BE IN BED....It's almost midnight...last night I stayed up until 1:30am, and still had to get up every two hours to feed J-Bear.

I have added to my plate - I have started to apply to transfer to a different school for September.  So now, instead of packing or cleaning or SLEEPING, I have worked on my resume that I haven't had to touch in 12 years, and using my new laptop to create a PowerPoint Portfolio in case I get invited to interview for positions.

What am I thinking?  I can't interview in the best of times...now I'm going to try when I'm not even immersed in the classroom life this year?

And I got to the Personal Interests part of the resume and read over what I used to be interested in....now they are all old interests b/c I have given up everything I used to be interested in to be a choice mom - HANDS DOWN THE BEST DECISION EVER....I'm not doubting it at all....it just doesn't look very exciting on a resume.  Although, I could list all of the things I have researched and learned about in the past 9 months:

• c-sections
• diaper rash
• circumcision
• cars
• computers
• croup
• asthma (J-Bear now has asthma)
• smoking neighbours
• selling a home
• buying a home
• mortgages
• baby programs
• potty training
• juggling two kids on my own
• sleep deprivation

So you see, I've got interests after all :)

Wish me good luck for getting an interview...I'll ask for more luck after I get the interview.

An overview of the past nine months

At the start of my maternity leave, in July, I pictured a year of leisure....enjoying snuggles with my baby, going to programs, making yummy meals for SR while she was off at preschool.  There has been nothing leisurely about this maternity leave.

• I started with my c-section - yes it was elective, but I still came home to a baby and a toddler 2 days after surgery and fending for all of us (with help from my doting parents, of course).  
• J-Bear had his circumcision and I had to deal with changing the gauze - why does no one ever prepare a new mom of a boy for the changing of the gauze.
• At the same time as the healing was going on from the circ, J-Bear got the most horrific diaper rash, that got worse and worse - the skin literally peeling off his bum.  Turns out I had burned him by eating citrus foods/fruits and he was burned with my breast milk.  Each diaper change was agony for both of us and it took WEEKS to heal.
• When J-Bear was five weeks he went by ambulance to the hospital because he choked on air from drinking a bottle of my breast milk, when I didn't realize I had to take the bottle away when it was empty - I can blame baby brain, or I can just say it was total ignorance and stupidity on my part.
• I had a tooth extracted without anything other than freezing - the visualization was worse than anything I could have predicted.  
• The pain in my mouth didn't get better with the tooth being pulled - turns out I needed the other three wisdom teeth pulled and I chose to have the sedation even though I was breastfeeding.  
• In September my mom was searching to buy a new car - but she liked my car that was completely paid off....so I sold her my car and I bought a car that was probably way out of my price range considering I'm off work for a year.  So now I have a new car that I didn't need - but the extra space is nice.  In October I purchased my Ford Escape.
• In early December I put my condo up for sale - I started cleaning frantically every day for showings and not able to pay attention to my kids.
• I sold in February with an end of April closing.
• In December, J-Bear got his first bout of Croup and went back to the hospital.  That sound in the middle of the night was horrific.
• One month later, J-Bear got his second bout of Croup.  I was prepared this time with the steroid on hand.
• SR got Croup in the first week of March and it came out as a respiratory virus, Bronchiolitis, in J-Bear - he was put on puffers.  He continued on puffers for a few weeks and his pediatrician said he has a "happy wheeze" - not in distress.
• One week of no coughing for J-Bear since his croup in December.
• Now he has the worst cough he has ever had.
• Today was his 9 month check up and his Pediatrician said J-Bear has asthma.  I can't help but wonder if it was caused by the smoking next door neighbour that I complained and complained about - who finally has stopped smoking because his landlord got hit with the legal bills from the condo.  It makes me so sad that our happy home could have caused him to have asthma.
• I am in the final stages now of buying our first house - I'll talk about that next.
• It is now 9 months of waking up every two hours to feed J (as I type he has just woken up for his first feed of the night - and it's not even 10pm - if I don't go he will get more and more worked up).  The pediatrician asked me today if he's sleeping - NO HE'S NOT SLEEPING!!!!  He wants me to let him cry....but J-Bear has no self soothing techniques (SR sucked her sleeve) and he's legitimately hungry.  He's a very big boy but he barely eats any solids.  He wants his milk all night long.  With two upcoming moves I'm not going to start anything new...and after nursing him just now he didn't want me to put him down, and so we had snuggles....and he's only my baby for a little bit longer.

• HOUSE NEWS - this has been very hard on me and my parents.  I live in a neighbourhood where the housing market is getting way out of hand.  All houses are now going into bidding wars - if you want in, all conditions need to be waived prior to the offer date - meaning if you want a house inspection you do so on your dime not knowing if the house will be yours.
• I paid for a house inspection on a house I didn't end up bidding on.  
• A few weeks ago I was at a toy sale.  I bumped into an acquaintance - we have a mutual friend and our kids went to the same daycare.  I had heard rumblings that she was a choice mom but I think she's very private.  So we were chatting at the toy sale and I mentioned that I had sold my home but had no where to go - my parents are taking us in.  She said that she is selling her home.  She wanted more than my very top dollar, but said I should call/email her.
• We got in touch and it turns out that if we eliminate the agents' commissions then she makes what she would have made anyway and I get an "affordable" house in a neighbourhood I otherwise couldn't have afforded.
• I'm not going to lie, it's been quite a roller coaster doing a private sale - from day to day I thought she was backing out and I would go with my agent to see other properties.  Only to then have her act as though nothing was wrong - I think we communicate in different ways.  
• She's a great girl and I think it's so nice that I'm buying a house from another choice mom.  I hope everything works out.
• The house is less than 6 years old.  It's about a two minute drive from my work - could be less if there are no red lights - and it's in a great neighbourhood.  I have one VERY close friend on the street and two families who I know quite well also on the street.
• My parents are not as thrilled - they help me so much from day to day - my dad takes SR to preschool every morning, and if I stayed in this neighbourhood he would have been taking J-Bear to daycare next year when I return to work.  He also drops off groceries every morning when he picks SR up.  My mom comes every night to help me with dinner.  I'm giving all of this up, b/c the house is about 10 minutes (much more in rush hour traffic) north of here.  It might not seem like a distance, but it really is - my mom won't come regularly for dinner anymore.
• The owner has a lot of upgrades in her home and it looks really nice - I still have some work to do when I take possession.
• It's all very scary  - living in a condo I have a lot done for me.  I'll have to figure so much more out.  Will I be able to cope on my own back to work with two kids and a house to take care of?
• And as for J-Bear's daycare situation, he's been on the waitlist since I was 3 months pregnant.  There aren't infant rooms around.  But it's a lot to bring him back to this neighbourhood every morning and then drive back to my new neighbourhood for work and then do it again at the end of the day.
• So J-Bear is currently registered for an infant room with 10 kids and 3 teachers - it's where SR started.  The babies can nap and eat and play whenever they need to until they are ready to progress to the toddler room at 18 months and up where the schedule is more structured.
• The daycare I can put J-Bear in near my new house will accept him into a toddler room (18 months and up) when he turns 15 months (beginning of October).  That means that he'll be the youngest and he won't get to nap when he wants, he will sleep on a cot, and he'll have to act like a big kid....and my parents will have to watch him for the month of September for me and transition him into daycare in October.  
• DECISIONS!!!!!

That's all I've got for now...I need to get to bed.  J-Bear will be up again to feed soon.  And I have to remember to register J-Bear for a program at 8:30 tomorrow morning or we won't get in!

I'm so glad I am blogging again!

J-Bear is 9 months!!!

Dear J-Bear,

Yes, I know I didn't write you a message when you turned 8 months...or did I?  It's all a blur.  But I finally have a computer that is not locked in my bedroom where you sleep and I'm able to finally write you a letter.

My dear J-Bear....you continue to bring me so much pleasure!  You are so easy going and willingly let anyone hold you and play with you - so different from your sister who would scream and cry if anyone took her away from me.  So I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but it definitely helps when we are all out together so I can balance my time between you and SR.

You are starting to eat a little more solids, but from day to day I never know what you are going to eat.  One day you will devour avocado and the next you won't touch it.  You are starting to eat some finger foods like cheerios and little pieces of bread with toppings.  I try to sneak cereal into your foods by putting a little cereal onto each spoonful of veggies that you like.  But for your size, 3 teaspoons of cereal isn't cutting it.  I think you should be eating about a 1/4 cup by now not maybe one tablespoon....and so you continue to wake me up to nurse every 2 hours at night.  That wouldn't be terrible if you didn't decide around 4am most nights that you want to play for 2 hours.  I am one exhausted mommy.  I have to admit that when you decide to play at 4am, I sometimes will bring you into my bed so we can have some special time laughing and cuddling.

You are now able to clap your hands, and you will often do it when you hear the word clap or see someone clapping.  You are starting to wave hello and goodbye.  When you are excited you wave both of your arms around very quickly.

You are babbling "ma ma ma ma" and I just love hearing your little voice.  And you are an expert at the downward dog.  You are getting closer and closer to crawling.  You get on your hands and knees and rock back and forth, but you prefer this downward dog position.

You continue to love your sister.  You both play rough with each other, and I need to remind SR that you are just a baby still.  You lock eyes and giggle together all the time.  You roll around on the floor together.  

You've had such a rough winter - 2 bouts of croup, a cough since December, bronchiolitis resulting in the need for puffers at the beginning of March, and now another fresh cold and bad cough.  I hope that all of this sickness helps you when you start daycare and that you don't get sick as often.  

You now have 4 teeth - two on top and two on the bottom.  And you love having your teeth brushed.  I've been doing sign language with you, but not as diligently as I did with SR.  I'm hoping you start to catch on soon.  

In just over a month you will have your own room and we will no longer be roommates.  I'm sure I will miss you terribly, but I'm hoping we can start to learn together how to get you to sleep longer stretches at night.  Last night you were up from 2-6am, but I think you were also feeling crummy with this new cold.    And as I type this, at 9:37 pm, you are already crying for me to come in to nurse you!!!  It's okay, you are sick (and I'm hoping that the sound I just heard you utter wasn't a sound of more croup coming on). 

J-Bear, I love your adorable smile, your contagious giggle, your bright eyes, your easy going nature, your curiosity to know about everything around you, how close you and your sister are.

Love,

Mommy