So sad!!!

I woke up this morning with an incredible feeling of sadness.  I'm sad for the loss of this little embryo that never got the chance to develop into my little boy or girl and join our wonderful family.  I'm sad b/c I let myself get hopeful and excited and I'm crashing really hard.  And I know women go through this all of the time, and it's a very common thing.  And I guess I'm grateful that I'm going through this now, and not after I had seen the baby on an u/s, or after I had felt the first kick.  I know it could be so much worse.  But that doesn't make my pain any less real.  And it's so hard b/c so very few people know that I was T42 and I don't want people to find out this way.

I'm angry b/c I'm living a facade - taking the medications and keeping the m/c from actually starting.  My temperature dropped significantly this morning.  I know it's over.  Why in the world do I have to keep taking the medications?  I have to wait until tomorrow - and I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor at the W. location.

And I wonder (as I will always) what went wrong with this embryo that was giving me such strong feelings as it implanted in my womb.  Am I too skinny?  Does that have a factor???  Believe me, I'm trying to eat more to sustain life.  Is it my newly found out tilted uterus (that didn't have a problem carrying Scarlett)?  Did I strain too much by carrying Scarlett around and lifting her stroller in and out of the car?  Was it the fact that this embryo was already thawed and refrozen once before and had to be thawed again?

I guess my exciting position at school next year will be a full year exciting position.  If I do get pregnant on my next try (which is possible, since technically I did get pregnant on this try) I would be due at the end of the school year - so I have a full year of school to get ready for.

In the meantime, I just want to be given a little bit of dignity here and let me move forward.  I'm sad now, but I know that I'll feel more grief when I am actually allowed to m/c.  And then the waiting game - for the numbers to go down to zero, and bringing on another period, and doing a fake cycle.  Does the m/c count as day one?  I doubt it.  I'm not sure how my case will work if I don't get a period.

I just called the W. clinic - the doctor isn't in tomorrow.  He's away.  I may as well go to R.H. and just wait for instructions from them.  Today is going to be a much harder day than yesterday.  I think getting the false hope from the nurse in the morning kept me going.  But today I'm very very very very sad!

And starting the day with tears is not going to help get me through today at work.

And I don't want this to be taken as though I'm not grateful for my lovely Scarlett...She is my entire world.  I am so in awe of my little baby.  I just wanted her to have a bigger family.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today - but like Scarlett O'Hara, I should think of this tomorrow :)  Live up to the words of my baby's namesake.