I'm so thankful that I not only have this blog as an outlet, but that I have so many supporters who can help me through this awful time.
To say that yesterday was awful would be an understatement. Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, more tears would come. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I think I got 2 hours total. To top it off, I had to get up this morning, take my sick baby to my parents' house, and then go to have a beta before going to work all day and try to disguise my puffy red eyes.
The nurse at the clinic today didn't want to get my hopes up but....
She starts telling me about a patient from about a month ago. Her numbers were not climbing for several days...they plateaued very low. Now she's happily in her 9th week of pregnancy. Now, 9 weeks isn't far along, but it did help get me through my day.
Also, I think I had my grieving day yesterday. Other than being exhausted, I feel much more equipped to handle this loss and move forward with my T42 journey.
The problem is, they won't let me stop the meds.
My betas dropped today to 72. They want me to stay on all of the estrogen and progesterone and keep waiting to see what will happen. Why are they dragging out the inevitable? If a baby were to develop now it would definitely be a miracle and I would probably change my entire belief system (to being someone who actually believes).
The nurse told me that once I stop the meds, I would miscarry within a week - that would be my last week of work. The week I would need to be cleaning my classroom and getting prepared for next year. I don't know if I could be at work and miscarry. Plus, remember how bad my vertigo was on this past period? I can't even begin to imagine the dizziness I may feel from the m/c.
Once my numbers drop I need to go through two cycles...but does the m/c count as a cycle? The waiting is on and on and on.
But I came home to the best gift ever. I walked into my parents house and Scarlett saw me and called out "MOMMY!!!" with a huge grin on her face. That's all that matters right now....hopefully my second baby will come, but for now, I'm sorry I missed a day with Scarlett yesterday being so distraught. At the same time, I know I needed to cry it out all day to be able to pick up and carry on.
I'm sorry this had been so hard on you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThat just sucks that they're dragging it out. :(
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who just went through a very similar experience - she said her m/c was about the same as a regular period, so I hope the case is the same for you.
I'm so sorry for this sad news. Yes--it is a loss to grieve. I remember when the nurse told me the yolk sack was empty. She cheerily said, you can try for another. I thought I don't want another, I want this one.
ReplyDeleteTears and hugs for you now. Hold on to Scarlett and things will get better.
I can't say enough how sorry I am that you're having to go thru all of this. My heart aches for you. it is good you have Scarlett to bring you so much joy during this time of so much pain & sadness.
ReplyDelete