Last night...

Last night I sat on my couch with my heart racing and tightness in my chest.  I was definitely having some sort of anxiety/panic attack.  I tell you now that I have woken up, it is still there.  It stemmed from the fact that I had my work email linked to my phone....that has now been disabled.  I was "waiting" for my principal to send me feedback to my report cards.  Why would this make me nervous?  I think in my twelve years of teaching I have had only a handful of small corrections to make.  This year is different in that it is a "political protest" to do minimal comments.  Also I'm dealing with an ongoing issue that has not/will not be resolved and I think I'm worried about how those particular comments will be taken.

But how safe is it to feel this much anxiety in the first trimester?  How have I changed from a job I loved - one where I didn't know how I would go on maternity leave b/c "I am a teacher and what will I do?"  How is it that I think the only reprieve I will have is to leave my position temporarily?

And who has time to go to the family doctor to get a stress note?  My family doctor has only met me a half-dozen times.  The first time I met him was when I asked for a referral so I could have SR.  I met him again when I was pregnant with her.  Then when I went back to him for a referral to try for two.  There may have been a couple of more times.  I'm supposed to say, "Hi, remember me?  I'm pregnant and want to go on stress leave at work until the first trimester is over after Christmas break."  My mom suggested I ask my RE for a letter on Wednesday when I pop in to see him...or at least ask if that is something he would do if it came down to that.  He's not my family doctor, but he may as well be at this point, I see him so often and he knows I'm pregnant and that I m/c this past summer.

Getting through every day is like torture.  The kids are okay....they are kids...it's a different dynamic, but they are kids.  But it's some sort of anxiety I have built up about my administration not supporting me that is causing this.  I need to find some way to cope.  But will running away solve these problems?  I'll just go back to stress having to write report cards for subjects I wasn't present for.  But I'll be farther along in this pregnancy.  I don't see how my womb is hospitable right now...and I want it to be a warm and welcoming environment.  I'm not much for decorations and being pretty, but I'd sure like to think my womb is warm and cozy and safe.