Bitter Sweet

It has been a very rough week.  It started last Tuesday when Scarlett went to her first daycare for one hour.  Then, I had second thoughts about leaving her and extended my leave.  I got everyone really upset with me from my principal to the superintendent and took back my leave extension at the same time that I got into my dream daycare.  I had several nights of no sleep.  Following that, Scarlett got sick.  A high fever for 4 days and 3 doctor visits before finally getting a diagnosis of pink eye for both of us and an ear infection and possible sinus infection for Scarlett.  Torturing my baby trying to pour medicine into her and don't even get me started on the eye drops!

Many more sleepless nights.  Scarlett having a fever turned my 7-7 sleeper into a terrible sleeper.  And don't I have to go back to work right as all of this chaos is happening.  So I got a sore throat which has now turned into a sore throat and laryngitis.  And my job is to talk.

On Monday morning I cried when I left her with my mom.  It is very hard to be away from my baby all day.  But I'm actually okay knowing she's with my parents all day.  I know that she is in wonderful hands.  It's when she starts daycare that I'm going to fret.  With my parents I call every few hours to check in and hear her babbling in the background.

Today my parents took Scarlett to her new daycare for one hour.  They stayed with her the whole time.  She was fine until one of the teachers picked her up...and Scarlett hates to be picked up.  My mom had issues with a few things she saw.  What can I do?  It's not us looking after her.  We have to trust these people to care for my baby.  But it's hard to have trust when we see things we don't like.

I like to think that a parent could enter my classroom at any time and be happy with what they see.  Their children are cared for, spoken to nicely, there is a respectful environment, and there is learning.  That is what I want for my baby.

I have really enjoyed my first two days back at work.  I already have my routines in place.  These are a wonderful group of students...is it too premature to say that I think this will be my best group yet?  But at the same time, I don't want to leave my baby all day.  I don't want her with these strangers and a group of other children.  I want her with me.  I want to teach her and play with her.  I rushed right home today and spent time with her.  But Scarlett is still sick and had had a long day.  She didn't really want to play so much.  But we had from 4 to 7:30 together tonight.  Is that enough time together?

And I almost forgot....BREASTFEEDING HAS STOPPED.  The other night she wouldn't take milk from me...turns out there is no milk to be had.  And just like that there are no more feeds.  My breasts haven't hurt or gotten engorged....there is just suddenly no milk.  Is that weird?  I have breastfed my baby for over 12 months and suddenly there is just nothing left?

On that note, I am really exhausted.  I have laundry to fold, clothes to label for daycare, and I want to be in bed sleeping in 15 minutes....ambitious maybe?  I think I'll save the laundry folding for tomorrow morning.  The clothes for daycare might need to wait until tomorrow night.  At least I have her blanket and cups ready to go.  She's only going for two hours tomorrow.