In a mood....

First of all, thank you for your support regarding my stressful year at work.  Today I'm really feeling it, and yet nothing happened out of the ordinary today.  I'm just so upset about this whole situation.  To give you some background about me, I'm the teacher who has always LOVED her job.  I hated to be away and was always looking for innovative and fun things to do with my class.  Even last year, returning to work after mat leave and leaving SR at daycare for 8 hours a day, I was okay with it b/c I loved my job.  I never thought I'd be one of "those" teachers....and yet here I am. Getting through every day by saying, "It's Monday.  It's Monday lunch.  It's 2:30 on Monday, one hour to go.  Monday is over.  Four more days."

The students are students.  I've had different dynamics throughout the years.  And yes, the dynamics in my class aren't the best.  I also have 21 students who trigger each other like I've never seen, no matter how much I try to do team building with them.  The other classes in my grade have 16 and 17 students.  And at the beginning of the year, the previous teachers (who made up the classes) said to me, "You're right, your class isn't fair.  Oh well."  They are the "PETS" of the Principal, so they weren't too concerned about screwing me over with students who would trigger each other socially.  But they are students.  And I do like all of them on their own.  They all have nice traits.  Together they are challenging, but I have really made so much progress with them that other teachers have noticed and praised my efforts, looking at where they were last year behaviour wise.

But that's not my issue.  I'm a "People Pleaser" by nature.  I always strive for doing the best I can, and even outdoing myself from year to year or whatever it is that I do.  My evaluations have always been stellar.  And if you remember this principal chose me to run a special program in my classroom this year - which is how much I impressed her last year.  Well, this year I am a nobody.  I am in the "group" of "negative teachers" who sit at "that table" in the staff room.  I've been given this title (spoken about me behind my back to other teachers - how professional) b/c I have had to stand up for myself and get help from my union due to lack of support in a certain matter.  And I have developed a backbone.  And she knows it.  And so I am one of the "group" of "negative" teachers.  And I'm just so angry at the fact that she can manipulate a situation and talk about me behind my back, and classify me in a way that does not define me or my teaching at all.

And so every day is miserable.  Awful.  And I just hope that this pregnancy stays smooth so I can get out of this toxic environment...a school I once considered a home away from home...where all the wonderful teachers are now trying to escape from....where we huddle in corners to whisper so the "spies" and "tattletales" don't hear us....it's like Survivor and we're scheming in private....or like Lord of the Flies in a primary school.  You'd have to see it to believe it.  The little new teachers, who should be asking questions and learning from the more experienced teachers have been given all the power, while the wonderful experienced staff are fed to the wolves.

And I guess I've said too much.....but I can't take it anymore.  Hopefully, when I return to work after my year of mat leave, a full school year off, this principal will have moved on to another school.  The saying is "Never Wish For A New King."  Guess what?  I'm wishing and wishing and wishing!

In quick other news - I was sitting on my couch waiting for SR to come and read a book.  And I noticed some green on my wall.  I went to sit on the floor beside it and when SR came out of her room, I called her over.  I said, "what's this on the wall?"  She said, "Number 4."  I looked at it again, and yes, she was right, it did look like a number 4.  Not that she is capable of producing anything legible on purpose at this time.  I'm very lucky how much she communicates at only 24 months.  We talked about how "David" from the David books drew on the walls.  Where is David supposed to draw, SR?  Paper, mommy.  We talked and had a hug.  And in the end, it's my mistake.  We always pack up the crayons when she's not using them.  We didn't pack them up last night.  And so, she took advantage of the empty white slate and coloured.  It could have been worse.  I'm not going to get upset by it.  Number 4.  Ha!