CD3 and a lot of anxiety

I'm going to start this post by saying that I am feeling a lot better right now than I have throughout most of the day.  These intense feelings of anxiety I've been having lately, coupled with the extreme vertigo that came back with the onset of my period has been really scaring me.  Although I can get anxious with new situations, it has never manifested itself the way it has the past little while with the shaking arms and hands and vertigo.  I know my vertigo gets worse with stress but I think it was the period that pushed it over the edge.  Actually just writing this blog I am feeling the dizziness settle in again.  It's so weird how I was feeling okay just before sitting down to write.  I actually debated not writing, but I didn't want to let today go undocumented...it is definitely a part of my journey of being a choice mom and T42.

I had my CD3 appointment in W... a little further from home but I got to be at my clinic where it all began and speak with my nurse who has supported me all along.  I was given the prescriptions for the estrace (hurray!!!  maybe I can start to feel normal again.  No more washing my hair every day.  I can then colour my hair for the first time in more than 2 years before I transfer.  Good bye pimples and oily skin and hair.  Hello good moods returning!  Estrogen is my friend!) and prometrium, but told not to fill the prometrium yet.  That's okay...I'm in no hurry to fast for three hours and take on the extra dizziness that could go with it.

Today I started one estrogen a day for three days, then I move onto 2 a day for three days, and then 3 a day....it won't be long until I'm on the three patches, the three estrace, and the vaginal pill.

I got to school just as the bell rang....what a morning.  I felt rushed all morning....it didn't help that the vertigo took me back three years to when I first had it...I felt awful.  Knowing the best cure for vertigo is exercise, I decided to spend my lunch hour getting outside for a brisk walk.  Just before I left to go out, I saw that the M. location of the clinic had called me.  That was weird since I went to W. this morning.  I checked my voicemail and they said that my doctor wanted me to schedule a "review" with him.  Well, of course that sent my anxiety spinning even more.  Why would he want to review with me?  I just saw him on Monday and he told me to come back when my period came and start on CD3, which I did today.  My nurse saw me today and got me started on everything and scheduled me to see him on CD9.  Why would he want to see me now?  What's wrong with my test results?

I called my nurse in W. as I headed out for my walk - I figured I'd walk and talk.  She was as confused as I was and told me she would look into it and call me back.  I'm so glad I went to W. this morning and was dealing with her.  She has been so great with me and I think she goes above and beyond her duties.  She could have told me to look into it.  I also told her that it is very hard for me to get out to M. on the weekends and since I am seeing the doctor on Wednesday anyway, why can't I have my review at that time?

She called me back and said that she spoke to the receptionist who left me the message.  She told me that there was "nothing to worry about," when I asked if it was because of my test results.  And she said that it is fine if I have my review with him next Wednesday.

I continued my walk for 25 minutes and went back into school to eat lunch.  I was dizzy the rest of the day.  Today I paid $1650 for my FET and what if I was making a mistake?  I know that I'm not.  I know this is what I want to do and it's not a mistake.  I'm not sure exactly why I'm feeling so anxious.  I wasn't feeling anxious at all with Scarlett.  Maybe it's just all so overwhelming now - it's still a secret from most of the outside world - I have confided in 3 people.  There is a very low morale at my work place.  It's a stressful time.  I'm still thinking about my position next year.  But I know I have to let these thoughts go.  I have been trying to listen to relaxation guides and sometimes it's helpful.

In any case, CD3 is coming to an end and I'm a few days closer to my FET!