LIMBO!

Everyday I am so thankful for what I have in SR.  She is truly the love of my life.  The way she understands language, bursts into complete random songs, understands instructions and shares how she is feeling is remarkable.

But I am also clouded in sadness.  I have now had two HCG tests in less than 48 hours.  My first was after the u/s on Friday and I got the results yesterday - 9224.  It didn't double.  The nurse who didn't poke me properly didn't have enough blood and I ended up having to go back today for another HCG and to speak to my RE.

He told me it didn't look good but we would wait it out for my u/s in a week and a half.

I just got my latest test back and my levels have dropped to 8879...I asked the nurse if I could just come in tomorrow for an u/s b/c the doctor is going away Tuesday.  She said that I couldn't and that he wanted me to repeat the HCG on Thursday and come in for my u/s next week.

What sucks is that I am sad for my loss and longing for the m/c and grieving to begin so that I can start to build the excitement about my next cycle - which according to my RE won't be for a little while.

I will stop the meds first and try to m/c naturally.  If that doesn't work, I will take the meds to bring on the m/c.  Then they will check to make sure I m/c.  After that I need to have a period - if one doesn't come on its own (which it probably won't) the RE will bring one on for me.  Then I will have a test cycle and then the transfer cycle.  So, basically it will be several months from now - when I'm back at work and stressed out and worried about waking my baby early and dropping her off at daycare early and making the mad dash to work and arriving late.

But in the meantime, it's so unbelievable that I have to keep dragging this out.  My Little Embryo That Could tried and tried....it didn't make it.  So let me move on already.

BTW, I am a terrific actress b/c very few people in my outside world know about this.  I go on playdates and to programs and no one would know anything different b/c I keep up my sunny disposition...but underneath it is always lurking.

I just don't know now how I'm going to keep taking all of this medication and going through the motions of maintaining a pregnancy when I know it is going nowhere...FAST!

I just want to move on and have some semblance of normalcy again for a while with my baby.  I think this is so much harder b/c of the ups and downs and that it just continues on in limbo!