The clinic had told me to go for another beta test this week before my u/s next Wednesday. I have decided not to go for the Beta test. First of all, it means taking time out from doing something with Scarlett. Then I need to wait all day and worry about what the results will be. When the results come in, either I will be extremely disappointed or overly uplifted. In any case, there is no point. I will wait until my u/s next Wednesday and see what turns up on the screen.
Some of you out there are going to think I am crazy, but I do go through moments each day where I believe there is a possibility that this pregnancy could work out. I think I have to, b/c otherwise how could I justify going about my daily life with something basically dying inside of me? So, while I continue to have pregnancy symptoms, that I know could be just the growing placenta sending signals to my body telling my body that I am pregnant, I need to have some hope alive that there is an actual baby playing hide-and-seek inside my uterus. There are countless stories online about this happening. If there is no baby, then at least I got through my week and a half with some semblance of sanity.
What you're going through is awful. I know. I've been there, truly. I was pregnant/not pregnant for a full trimester. I *lactated* after my D&C with that pregnancy. If you're not in a place you can hear this, delete. I don't want to hurt you but I don't think your RE has given you a clear picture of this situation.
ReplyDeleteAn anembryonic pregnancy is a cruel joke, because hormonally you're pregnant. So you feel pregnant. But if that's what's going on (and obviously I'm not your RE and can't know for sure) this embryo never developed past those first few days; from what I know after 4 clinical pregnancies and many many years of fertility treatment, betas NEVER DROP with a viable pregnancy.
In my own situation, when no yolk/fetal pole was seen at 7 weeks. My RE hoped I might start bleeding; didn't want to risk scarring my uterus with a D&C. Beta continued to rise until a shot of methotrexate at 10 weeks. Still no bleeding. D&C at almost 12 weeks. 3-4 months before I could try again (I was doing IUIs). I've had other miscarriages and by far, this was the most horrible because SO drawn out. And I knew the whole time there was no possibility of a baby; I suspected as much by 5w2d when my gestational sac was slightly too small.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself during this awful time. Hold your girl close.
Hi Gwinne, I really appreciate your story. I did go looking back through your blogs before trying to find it but I couldn't. The only thing that is giving me any hope is the fact that I have a tilted uterus and those are the stories that say there is possibility of finding the baby up to twelve weeks. I am not completely in denial. Regardless if there is no baby I will hurt and grieve and pick up the pieces quickly. I am quite the optimist. But I have a full week to get through until my re returns from his travels and I can have the u/s. I may as well try to stay sane. I am so impressed with how many iuiS you had and how you persevered. Thanks again for keeping me grounded.
DeleteGwinne, can you email me privately? I'm curious how strong your pregnancy symptoms Carried on. Clock.ticking@hotmail.com
DeleteIt is absolutely aweful you're having to go thru this limbo. My heart goes out to you & I mean it when I say email me if there's anything I can do. {hugs}
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Went to the petting zoo today. How can I feel worried as Scarlett feeds the animals. Other than worrying if they'll nip her fingers.
DeleteI hope next week comes very quickly and you get a clear answer and plan, one way or another. I am so glad you have your beautiful Scarlett to brighten your days.
ReplyDeleteThis limbo sucks.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your Scarlett!
Yes, this must be just an awful roller coaster of a summer for you. I know, of course, that the time you spend with Scarlett is wonderful. Share extra hugs and kisses to her anytime you feel overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI so understand your last paragraph. I wish Wed can come fast!
ReplyDelete[hugs]