It's been a long week...

I put SR down for bed at 7pm.  She called to me at 7:15 so we had to have a tea party with her baby Kaiya and her Dora, Boots, and Tico figurines.  It is now 8:22.  I have put SR back to bed but...first she was just singing "B-I-N-G-O" and now she's calling "Mommy, mommy!"  I love hearing her little voice and I feel badly not going to her.  She also had a longer nap today than usual.  I should have woken her up.  This blog may take me all night to write.

I have completely avoided turning on my computer all week.  I have relied on my cell phone wi-fi to do my basic email and many google searches.  This has been a very difficult week and a half since my last u/s.  My next one is tomorrow at 12:30.  Tomorrow I will be one day shy of 10 weeks.  If I indeed have a blighted ovum, then it is the cruelest thing the body could put a person through.  I have pregnancy symptoms:  round ligament pains, vivid dreams, nausea, road map veins on my chest and stomach.  But the worst is the cute little belly I have developed on my small frame.  If I am not pregnant, how cruel for my belly to grow and for me to feel my uterus growing and hardening.  So it is no wonder that I am convinced that there is still a possibility.  Would my uterus really grow if there wasn't actually a baby?  My uterus is tilted.  According to many many stories online, women with tilted uteruses sometimes don't see their babies until 12 weeks.

Tomorrow will either be very exciting or very disappointing.  I know that the odds are it will be a disappointing day.  But if there is any change at all from the last u/s I will really have to consider my options.  Before there was only a gestational sac.  If there is a yolk sac or a fetal pole, even with no heart beat, then I will seriously consider waiting another little while before giving up.

Again, many of your are thinking I am setting my heart up for disaster.  But I am strong willed.  If there is no progress, I will cry and pick up the pieces and get ready to try again.  But for now, I am still pregnant.

I have asked my mom to come with me tomorrow.  My dad will babysit Scarlett during her nap time.  She can't come into the u/s room (unless it's good news then she can come in at the end) but she can come in with me to hear what my RE has to say.  Especially if I'm upset, she can hear my next steps in the m/c process.  And she can be there for support for me.

I do have to say my emotions have been running on high all week....very high....it is very hard to wait like this...we all know it from our own two week waits and reading into symptoms that may or may not be real....that's what I'm going through only much more intensified than my real 2ww.

Some exciting SR news - she recognizes 8 letters and can point them out or give them to me when asked for them:  A for apple, B for Boots (from Dora), D for Dora and Diego, E for Elmo, M for mommy, O for cheerios, S for Scarlett and Savta (what she calls my mom), and Z for Zaidy (what she calls my dad).  She can also count to 11.

Tomorrow morning we will go to our Wednesday morning program - I planned the u/s for after so at least my morning would be full and I wouldn't lose out on my time at programs with SR while I am off for the summer.

I will blog again, hopefully tomorrow.  I am so glad for your support.  Even if you think I am crazy for believing this could still be real - but I know that it probably isn't....I'm not crazy...just an optimist with a tiny belly :)