I am writing this to you on my cell at 8:30pm after a very long day and not having dinner yet, while you are nursing. I'm not checking spelling or punctuation. Frankly I'm too tired.
You had your second bout of croup last night and so it was another sleep deprived night for me as we bundled up and hung out on the balcony while you calmed down. Then I brought you inside to give you the steroid I had on hand so I wouldn't need another ER trip. That was so hard. You clamped your mouth shut but were crying and crying but not able to breathe. Then we sat in the steamy bathroom.
Why aren't I typing on my computer? Well because I only have a 2005 desktop and its in my room and you are my room mate. And you are a terribly light sleeper. And why are we roommates? Because you wake up every two hours at night and it was waking SR. And why are you still waking up so often? Because you are my very big boy but you still won't eat much more than cauliflower. And I'm trying to get you to sleep drowsy but awake but you won't go for it. And I won't let you cry. Except you are now even with shushing and patting and singing and ignoring.
It's now 9:45pm and I just woke up...I fell asleep putting you to sleep :)
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I debated deleting the letter above to J-Bear, but I thought I would keep it and start fresh a couple days later. I think I was at my wits end, and everything seems to have more clarity when I have had a little more sleep. Here we go...my letter to J-Bear.
Dear J-Bear,
I love how while you are playing or holding food (notice I didn't say eating food) you always touch whatever you are holding to the right side of your head. I'm not sure why you do that, but it's cute. What is also cute is how you drum your right hand lightly on your tray, your lap, my lap, whatever is close by.
I continue to offer you foods - all homemade....all slaved over by your mommy....and you continue to reject food after food after food - except cauliflower. Actually, since you turned 7 months you seem to be a little more open to eating. Sometimes you will eat what is offered to you. And you did start eating mum-mum cookies.
You got your second bout of croup in the early hours of your seven month birthday. And now you have a cold and a cough. And you hate having your nose wiped.
I've been trying to get you to nap and sleep without relying on breastfeeding. So now I am doing what I did with your sister. Nurse you, wipe your two cute teeth with a wet wash cloth, read three books - the same three every night so you know it's bedtime, and then sing to you. You insist that I stay with you until you are sleeping - and so I rub your tummy and hold your hand and sing twinkle twinkle...I don't even like that song but I've already been doing it for a while.
Last night I tried not to nurse you when you woke up - come on, it was only 2 hours after your feed and you actually ate dinner....but an hour later you were relentless, even though I stayed with you and held your hand and shushed you and talked to you. At one point you got very quiet and stared off with your eyes open. I thought I "broke my baby"...and I was so sad. but then then the hysterics started again. In the end, an hour later, I fed you and you went to sleep. I'm so sorry - I'm not even doing Cry It Out - although you are crying, I never leave your side....but I can't torture you this way. One step at a time...letting you fall asleep on your own.
Yesterday I gave you water in a sippy cup without the valve - you really liked the water, but couldn't get the hang of sucking for it with the valve in - you will get it...it just takes time.
You are my little/big man. I love you so much! You are so affectionate trying to kiss all over my face and now you started to rest your cheek on my shoulder when I hold you. And you continue to adore SR.
Now if only we could get a little more sleep.
I love you J-Bear!
Love, Mommy
Croup is scary stuff. Get and stay well little/big guy!
ReplyDeleteHappy 7 months, sweet boy! Stay healthy and start trying more foods, you'll like them, really!
ReplyDeleteWell, J-Bear, you are certainly keeping your mama on her toes. She knows you are worth it, though. You are precious. (You know what else is precious? Sleep.) Happy 7 months!
ReplyDeleteHoping you've had some good sleeps since this & that J-Bear is feeling better!
ReplyDelete